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Last night I was able to have much needed Spiritual Direction with Fr. Gregory. Praise the Lord. The Holy Spirit was totally present. We got to talk about a lot of my fears and the reasons for my anxiety. It was very good just to talk out the lies, and every time I do that, there is always more freedom. I have the tendency to always think that there is something "wrong" with me, or that what I am going through is abnormal. Fr. Gregory really helped me to realize that sometimes, we are just hardwired certain ways, and situations tend to trigger these anxious responses. That doesn't mean I shouldn't go through with it, that just means that it is hitting a weak spot and I am needing to grow. It is an act of the will to keep going and keep my eyes fixed on Christ, and not to get distracted. I was very glad though that my anxiety didn't necessarily mean I wouldn't get accepted. I also was thinking that since I was so anxious, there still must be a huge issue there, and that means I can't be a nun. Wrong again! My problem is just that I over-think and become so self absorbed that I start becoming anxious about how I am anxious. It is a dangerous spiral if I can't get out of that. I'm glad I was able to recognize that early on and start climbing out of the whirlpool. I was working too hard on treating the symptoms instead of going straight to the source for healing.

So basically, I just talked about everything that I have been blogging here. So nothing really new that I realized, but it was definitely so helpful and healing to speak it out loud and receive affirmation that I am doing the right thing. It was also soooo good to know that this is pretty normal!

But here is my homework. I need to memorize and learn this prayer so I can pray it daily and whenever I feel anxious. It will help me to give up all control and to allow the Lord to be the man and lead me in our romance. Through this process, He is creating me more into the woman I am made to be, and helping my heart to become more and more feminine. I need to surrender to Him and allow Him to be the man in this relationship, and not take matters into my own hands.

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-St. Ignatius of  Loyola