23. Melting down

So yesterday I had a little meltdown... ok it was a big meltdown.

For anyone who doesn't know, I used to have an eating disorder. Thankfully, the Lord has brought tremendous amounts of healing to this area of my life, but it is something I think that will creep up every once in a while. It is definitely a cross that comes in different ways depending on the situation.

For instance: fasting.

Obviously, while in the midst of my struggles, I was not allowed to fast from food. Sure, maybe I wanted to, but it was more of a fast for me to not fast from food. This was always really hard for me. Not because I had to eat, but because of how much I wish I could fast. I always admired people who could do bread and water fasts because it just seems so legit. All the great saints seem to do it, and I always wished I was able to. But I wasn't. And this created ever more stress on top of what I was already going through. Thankfully, I had a wonderful priest, Fr. Rick, who guided me during this time and helped me to decipher through all the lies, but fasting is still something I struggle with to this day.

Even though I am in a completely different place in life and not struggling with eating now, it has come to my attention that fasting from food is still probably not the best idea. It all started when I was reading a booklet yesterday about "Safe Fasting for Teens" because I was curious to see if it addressed eating disorders. I went looking for it, so I don't know why it was such a surprise to read, but this is the gist of what I found: if you have even the slightest tendency toward anorexia, you should not fast from food. ever.

Now I know this is not going to be the same for every situation, but something inside me just snapped. I think seeing it written on paper really just cut me deep. And then the lies started creeping in. The TOR sisters fast every Wednesday and Friday, so would I be able to fast with them? If I can't fast then maybe I'm not fit for community. I can't talk to them about this because then they might not accept me. What if I get 'rejected' because of my inability to fast? Maybe this isn't really what I am supposed to do.... etc. etc. etc.

I know what you're thinking: that escalated quickly.

And it did. I started doubting everything. All of my discernment, everything I have experienced, I thought I just made it all up. The struggle there was real.

Thankfully, through the prayers of my friends and through a little angsty conversation with God on my drive home, I kind of calmed down.  I know I should probably talk to one of the Sisters about it, but I still just have that fear that I will get rejected because of this. I mean they already know about my history with eating, but have they made the connection that I probably shouldn't fast? I don't know. I just wish I was able to do this. It is definitely a cross on top of a cross that I must bear with grace. It just makes me feel so defective and like a failure that I can't do this great fast that I so long to do. It is a good lesson in humility, and I have to learn to rejoice in that.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. -2 Corinthians 12:9