Realizations

Well Advent is quickly coming to a close, and so is my "hiatus" from discerning. Naturally, everything has still been in the back of my mind, but I have been trying to detach from it. I guess more so detaching from my will and from my desire for control. It has been interesting to see where the Lord has been bringing me throughout this past month. I have been trying to pray about different things, and it ended up that I have been learning about myself: things I am passionate about, my strengths, my weaknesses, things I love, things I struggle with... it has been very enlightening. I also started going to counseling and have gone twice already.

Some things I have realized: I want to be seen as beautiful (as does every girl). This was something I have always been afraid of because I know how much my beauty has been used to much in the past. The TOR Sisters are objectively beautiful. They are probably the most beautiful women I know, and of course I want to be like them. I want to be beautiful like them. If I were a TOR Sister, I would feel beautiful. Other people would think I am beautiful. But that still would be putting a band-aid on the wound inside. I have learned that I don't need to be a sister to be beautiful. I am beautiful now. God made me beautiful, and He loves me. He will continue loving me and calling me His beautiful one, no matter if I am entirely His or if He entrusts me to another man's care.

I also realized that I have been so afraid of disappointing people throughout this whole process. There are SO many people that I would love to be a nun for them, but it really isn't about them. Not to sound rude... but I am going to be the one living the vocation, so I should probably be ok with it haha. I have come to a place now where I know I need to make the decision purely based on me and God. No one else.

And one more thing. I want to create. I have such a desire within me to create something amazing, something inspiring, something wonderful and beautiful. I still don't know what form that will be, but it is so deep within me. Whether it be with my writing, my photography, or something not as tangible.... I don't really know. I haven't been able to formulate it and there are still so many thoughts in my head. I wish I could tell you more, but I really can't. And I LOVE people. I am continually fascinated by people that I meet, and I wish I could learn more about them and let them know how loved they are, how much life is worth living.

As you can see, I still have much to process. And none of this is directly related to my vocation, but somewhere along the line, it will lead me to discover my calling in life. All I know now is that there is more I need to do with my life. I just haven't figured out what that is... please pray that I can discover these things!

Unbound

I know I haven't really written much on here lately, but like I said, I am trying not to think too much about my future right now and just be in the present. (Easier said than done!) However, that doesn't change the fact that sometimes discernment comes into conversation or things just come up that I need to deal with.

This was one of those times.

This past weekend, I went to Steubenville to attend the Festival of Praise, and then I had a household adviser meeting on Sunday night. After the FOP, I decided it would probably be a good idea to get prayed over since I haven't been in a while. I asked the prayer team to pray for my vocation, that I may know His will, and for my heart. I received much consolation and love from Him throughout the prayer. Not consolation for anything specific, but they kept emphasizing love and how everything is about love. They tried to explain how much love they felt from the Lord for me, but couldn't even put it into words. This was a beautiful gift and gives me strength for the journey. Afterwards, I was still in the chapel praying and decided to go ask the Sister who helps with prayer teams to keep me in her prayers. Of course, being awesome, she asked if I would like to pray with her right then and I eagerly complied. I just started telling her of all the lies I was being faced with, all the past hurts from "men" in my life, what they did to me, and how it was still effecting me. She asked if I had heard of "unbound" prayer (based on Neal Lozano's  book) and I am actually in the midst of reading that right now as per Sr. Della Marie's suggestion. I had even been looking for someone who knows how to pray that to pray it with me. (Providential!) We went to work for an hour through a process of repentance, forgiveness, renouncing lies, taking authority in Jesus' name, and praying the Father's blessing over my life. It took so long because as soon as we would get through one series of lies, another layer would come to the surface that needed to be addressed. It was exhausting. But good. I learned many tools that I can use in my day-to-day life when these lies arise. This wasn't an automatic healing process, but it was a step of shedding light on the darkness in my life, and ridding the enemy of his influence. I definitely still need to be watchful as I am in this vulnerable time, but I know how to better fight these things. I also know now of what specific lies and 'spirits' tend to sneak into my subconscious so I can attack them at their roots.

I feel like I could go into greater detail about these things, but I don't know if the blog is the best place for that....also I am starting to fall asleep as I write this. I haven't made it to mass this week because it has been SO freezing and snowy in the mornings and my sleep schedule has been a little off. Praying for a better disciplined next week!

Advent and discernment

(took this post from my other blog since it was applicable!)

Since it is the beginning of Advent, I have been reflecting on how I want to bring in this liturgical New Year. I stumbled upon this quote by Pope Francis, and it has been my springboard:

"This journey is never finished. Just as in the life of each one of us there is always a need to start again, to get back up, to rediscover the meaning of our existence, so for the great human family it is necessary always to redirect ourselves toward the common horizon that is the goal of our journey. It is the horizon of hope! This is the horizon of a good journey. The season of Advent that today we begin once again, restores the horizon of hope for us, a hope that does not disappoint because it is founded on the Word of God. It is a hope that does not disappoint simply because the Lord never disappoints! He is faithful! He does not disappoint! Let us think about and feel this beauty." -Pope Francis

I have for a while been in a time of great discernment, great purification, and unfortunately great confusion as a result of that. I realized, though that I have become so consumed with "figuring out my life" that I have lost my ability to live out my first vocation, which is to become holy. What more appropriate time to start over then now? I am looking forward to re-opening my heart and preparing it for the Lord of the Universe to lay His head. For the duration of Advent, I am going to try and not plan my future. I am going to try and not "pray about my vocation". This may seem counterproductive, but for now, I need to focus on praying just to pray, just to give God honor. I need to wait on His timing, as I am waiting for Him to be born again in our hearts.

4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. 6 He will bring forth your vindication as the light, and your right as the noonday. 7 Be still before the LORD, and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over him who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! 8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. 9 For the wicked shall be cut off; but those who wait for the LORD shall possess the land. - Psalm 37