Realizations

Well Advent is quickly coming to a close, and so is my "hiatus" from discerning. Naturally, everything has still been in the back of my mind, but I have been trying to detach from it. I guess more so detaching from my will and from my desire for control. It has been interesting to see where the Lord has been bringing me throughout this past month. I have been trying to pray about different things, and it ended up that I have been learning about myself: things I am passionate about, my strengths, my weaknesses, things I love, things I struggle with... it has been very enlightening. I also started going to counseling and have gone twice already.

Some things I have realized: I want to be seen as beautiful (as does every girl). This was something I have always been afraid of because I know how much my beauty has been used to much in the past. The TOR Sisters are objectively beautiful. They are probably the most beautiful women I know, and of course I want to be like them. I want to be beautiful like them. If I were a TOR Sister, I would feel beautiful. Other people would think I am beautiful. But that still would be putting a band-aid on the wound inside. I have learned that I don't need to be a sister to be beautiful. I am beautiful now. God made me beautiful, and He loves me. He will continue loving me and calling me His beautiful one, no matter if I am entirely His or if He entrusts me to another man's care.

I also realized that I have been so afraid of disappointing people throughout this whole process. There are SO many people that I would love to be a nun for them, but it really isn't about them. Not to sound rude... but I am going to be the one living the vocation, so I should probably be ok with it haha. I have come to a place now where I know I need to make the decision purely based on me and God. No one else.

And one more thing. I want to create. I have such a desire within me to create something amazing, something inspiring, something wonderful and beautiful. I still don't know what form that will be, but it is so deep within me. Whether it be with my writing, my photography, or something not as tangible.... I don't really know. I haven't been able to formulate it and there are still so many thoughts in my head. I wish I could tell you more, but I really can't. And I LOVE people. I am continually fascinated by people that I meet, and I wish I could learn more about them and let them know how loved they are, how much life is worth living.

As you can see, I still have much to process. And none of this is directly related to my vocation, but somewhere along the line, it will lead me to discover my calling in life. All I know now is that there is more I need to do with my life. I just haven't figured out what that is... please pray that I can discover these things!