16: Stress

[warning: this is a rant :p] 

Lately I have been feeling so incredibly overwhelmed. I don't even really know what to do about it. I think I am spreading myself too thin, and not allowing myself enough time to recharge and fill myself before giving of myself to others. But the problem is, I don't have the time to do that. I just feel like I have so many things to do and not enough time to do them. By the time I get home from work, I just am shot. But then there is CCD and Youth Ministry, and running, and all these things I have committed to (that I do really want to do!) so I need to keep doing them, but at what cost? Something has to change here. I hate feeling exhausted and drained. I hate that I can barely stay awake on my hour commute to work. I hate that I sometimes don't go to mass because I can hardly move in the morning. I hate that I have to pop ibuprofen every day because of my constant stress headache. I hate the cloud that follows me everywhere, reminding me of all the things I need to get done by the end of the week. And next thing you know, it is the next week, and I have more things to be doing. Is this what life is like for a lot of people? I don't know how they do it. I guess that is why a lot of people are so miserable... 

At any rate though, I need to figure something out, whether it be getting help at CCD, or kicking myself to bed earlier, or maybe structuring my day more and sticking to that. Free time is free time. 

I think part of another reason why I am so overwhelmed is that I am seriously lacking in the trust department when it comes to paying off my loans. This is even MORE stressful because these need to be dealt with before I can enter religious life. The thought of living this busy life with work and volunteering and being stretched thin for more than another year is terrible. I don't know if I can handle that. I don't even know how I would last til August. When I think about it rationally, is is absolutely impossible for me to pay off all my loans in a year. Not possible at all. Even if I am working and spending as little as possible, I still won't make enough money. Thinking about this is where I get overwhelmed. And yes I have heard all the stories about people who just find money in their mailboxes, or someone offers to help pay their loans, but that kind of stuff doesn't happen to me. I'm not saying it never would, but I have never experienced it. So I guess you could say I am a doubting Thomas here, and you would be right. And I guess I have a hard time believing in His providence and that He will take care of me. This is all a huge test of my trust, and I am failing miserably. Jesus, help me to trust You more.

Then I found this old box of notes from high school when I was cleaning my room. At first I was excited for a little blast to the past, but then I started reading them.... Was I really like that? I mean I only had the perspective of what my friends wrote back to me, but I imagine my notes were no different. And all these horrible memories and things I had forgotten about came back to me. I think if I weren't already stressed it wouldn't have bothered me, but something about it did. But I am trying to shake the dust from my feet and remember who I am now and who I am striving to be. 

And trying to always think about this image:

I guess one of the best ways to counteract all my complaining is to force myself to be thankful. So here are some things that I have thought of, and I am sure I will feel much better by the end of this post.

1. I'm thankful for the Pirates winning and making the Playoffs! (I know, it is trivial, but hey... let me love baseball)
2. I'm thankful for the cool weather today. What started out being rainy and dreary has turned into a lovely crisp fall day. 
3. I'm thankful for the wind hitting my cheeks and blowing through my hair. It makes me feel like I am being embraced by the One who commands the weather.
4. I'm thankful that I have a job, however tiring it may be, so that I can be paying off my loans.
5. I'm thankful for mercy and that I am a changed woman.
6. I'm thankful for Love.

Ok, maybe I don't feel a ton better, but it is a start!

The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. Deuteronomy 1:30-33