Realizations

Well Advent is quickly coming to a close, and so is my "hiatus" from discerning. Naturally, everything has still been in the back of my mind, but I have been trying to detach from it. I guess more so detaching from my will and from my desire for control. It has been interesting to see where the Lord has been bringing me throughout this past month. I have been trying to pray about different things, and it ended up that I have been learning about myself: things I am passionate about, my strengths, my weaknesses, things I love, things I struggle with... it has been very enlightening. I also started going to counseling and have gone twice already.

Some things I have realized: I want to be seen as beautiful (as does every girl). This was something I have always been afraid of because I know how much my beauty has been used to much in the past. The TOR Sisters are objectively beautiful. They are probably the most beautiful women I know, and of course I want to be like them. I want to be beautiful like them. If I were a TOR Sister, I would feel beautiful. Other people would think I am beautiful. But that still would be putting a band-aid on the wound inside. I have learned that I don't need to be a sister to be beautiful. I am beautiful now. God made me beautiful, and He loves me. He will continue loving me and calling me His beautiful one, no matter if I am entirely His or if He entrusts me to another man's care.

I also realized that I have been so afraid of disappointing people throughout this whole process. There are SO many people that I would love to be a nun for them, but it really isn't about them. Not to sound rude... but I am going to be the one living the vocation, so I should probably be ok with it haha. I have come to a place now where I know I need to make the decision purely based on me and God. No one else.

And one more thing. I want to create. I have such a desire within me to create something amazing, something inspiring, something wonderful and beautiful. I still don't know what form that will be, but it is so deep within me. Whether it be with my writing, my photography, or something not as tangible.... I don't really know. I haven't been able to formulate it and there are still so many thoughts in my head. I wish I could tell you more, but I really can't. And I LOVE people. I am continually fascinated by people that I meet, and I wish I could learn more about them and let them know how loved they are, how much life is worth living.

As you can see, I still have much to process. And none of this is directly related to my vocation, but somewhere along the line, it will lead me to discover my calling in life. All I know now is that there is more I need to do with my life. I just haven't figured out what that is... please pray that I can discover these things!

Unbound

I know I haven't really written much on here lately, but like I said, I am trying not to think too much about my future right now and just be in the present. (Easier said than done!) However, that doesn't change the fact that sometimes discernment comes into conversation or things just come up that I need to deal with.

This was one of those times.

This past weekend, I went to Steubenville to attend the Festival of Praise, and then I had a household adviser meeting on Sunday night. After the FOP, I decided it would probably be a good idea to get prayed over since I haven't been in a while. I asked the prayer team to pray for my vocation, that I may know His will, and for my heart. I received much consolation and love from Him throughout the prayer. Not consolation for anything specific, but they kept emphasizing love and how everything is about love. They tried to explain how much love they felt from the Lord for me, but couldn't even put it into words. This was a beautiful gift and gives me strength for the journey. Afterwards, I was still in the chapel praying and decided to go ask the Sister who helps with prayer teams to keep me in her prayers. Of course, being awesome, she asked if I would like to pray with her right then and I eagerly complied. I just started telling her of all the lies I was being faced with, all the past hurts from "men" in my life, what they did to me, and how it was still effecting me. She asked if I had heard of "unbound" prayer (based on Neal Lozano's  book) and I am actually in the midst of reading that right now as per Sr. Della Marie's suggestion. I had even been looking for someone who knows how to pray that to pray it with me. (Providential!) We went to work for an hour through a process of repentance, forgiveness, renouncing lies, taking authority in Jesus' name, and praying the Father's blessing over my life. It took so long because as soon as we would get through one series of lies, another layer would come to the surface that needed to be addressed. It was exhausting. But good. I learned many tools that I can use in my day-to-day life when these lies arise. This wasn't an automatic healing process, but it was a step of shedding light on the darkness in my life, and ridding the enemy of his influence. I definitely still need to be watchful as I am in this vulnerable time, but I know how to better fight these things. I also know now of what specific lies and 'spirits' tend to sneak into my subconscious so I can attack them at their roots.

I feel like I could go into greater detail about these things, but I don't know if the blog is the best place for that....also I am starting to fall asleep as I write this. I haven't made it to mass this week because it has been SO freezing and snowy in the mornings and my sleep schedule has been a little off. Praying for a better disciplined next week!

Advent and discernment

(took this post from my other blog since it was applicable!)

Since it is the beginning of Advent, I have been reflecting on how I want to bring in this liturgical New Year. I stumbled upon this quote by Pope Francis, and it has been my springboard:

"This journey is never finished. Just as in the life of each one of us there is always a need to start again, to get back up, to rediscover the meaning of our existence, so for the great human family it is necessary always to redirect ourselves toward the common horizon that is the goal of our journey. It is the horizon of hope! This is the horizon of a good journey. The season of Advent that today we begin once again, restores the horizon of hope for us, a hope that does not disappoint because it is founded on the Word of God. It is a hope that does not disappoint simply because the Lord never disappoints! He is faithful! He does not disappoint! Let us think about and feel this beauty." -Pope Francis

I have for a while been in a time of great discernment, great purification, and unfortunately great confusion as a result of that. I realized, though that I have become so consumed with "figuring out my life" that I have lost my ability to live out my first vocation, which is to become holy. What more appropriate time to start over then now? I am looking forward to re-opening my heart and preparing it for the Lord of the Universe to lay His head. For the duration of Advent, I am going to try and not plan my future. I am going to try and not "pray about my vocation". This may seem counterproductive, but for now, I need to focus on praying just to pray, just to give God honor. I need to wait on His timing, as I am waiting for Him to be born again in our hearts.

4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. 6 He will bring forth your vindication as the light, and your right as the noonday. 7 Be still before the LORD, and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over him who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! 8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. 9 For the wicked shall be cut off; but those who wait for the LORD shall possess the land. - Psalm 37

The intensity of identity

Well I finally got to talk to Sr. Della Marie yesterday after playing a few rounds of phone tag. As always, it is so good to talk to her. She is just so incredibly wise and comforting! Basically, I learned that what I am feeling is relatively normal. Having feelings for men is just part of our natural instinct as women, and it doesn't every necessarily go away. There are always going to be guys that we are attracted to. That is just how it works. We just have to know ourselves, and know how to have boundaries etc. It is a matter of putting those emotions aside and looking at the reality of each vocation.

While it made me feel better to know that what I am feeling is pretty normal, it still doesn't really help me to know where my heart is without having an actual person to discern with. It is hard for me to really think about how I would like being married without there being a man that I would be committed to for the rest of my life, if that makes sense. I can fantasize all I want about how awesome married life seems, about how adorable babies are, but I can't really know if I can live with someone's weird quirks, annoying habits, or find satisfaction in that vocation unless I know him. I think that is the biggest problem I am having with discerning this. I just feel like I can't really know what is on the "other side". And sometimes the grass isn't greener!

Either way though, saying 'yes' to a vocation is saying 'no' to something. If I say 'yes' to religious life, that means no to having an earthly spouse and physical children. If I say yes to marriage, I am still saying 'no' to every other man out there.

I've learned though that I am a very emotional person. Not in the sense that I am weepy all the time (although I do cry at probably any movie/song that has a hint of emotion...hallmark kills me...), but in the sense that I feel things very deeply, and they tend to cloud my thoughts. I am very passionate, and I think I find my identity in being a deep person. It is what drives me to be a writer, a dancer, an artist, a musician, a photographer. But I think sometimes, it is too much emotion that feeds those outlets. I get better results when I am emotionally charged, and who doesn't like the release of creating something that speaks from your heart?

I have heard two things recently that have really made me think, and helped me to realize how much I find my identity in being 'deep'.
1)  One of my sisters said recently that she wanted to be a writer, but writers never make any money. My other sister responded with "Well you have to be depressed to be a writer!" I initially got really offended by this statement and asked her what the heck she meant by that. That's simply not true!
And while that is definitely not true in many cases (people write beautiful things when happy/ in love/ full of joy), depression and drama and that kind of intensity have been my springboard too much in the past, so that is what I still lean toward as "fuel for my fire".
2) Sally Sparrow: "I love old things. They make me feel sad."
 Kathy Nightingale:" What's good about sad? "
Sally Sparrow: "It's happy for deep people"

My brother quoted that the other day from "Doctor Who", and I noticed that it really hit a chord with me. I could identify with that. The more I thought about it, the more the lies from my past began to be pulled to the surface, and I realized that they were still there, just in a more subtle way. They weren't manifesting themselves as extreme as they have before, so I stopped paying attention to them. I thought they were through. Now they are manifesting themselves in confusion, in lack of trust, in my inability to find the desires of my heart. Lies that "drama and intensity make me feel alive", that I am not allowed to feel joy, that I have to be miserable, that I can't allow myself to listen to my heart because it could be broken... all those old lies still burying my heart and creating noise so I can't hear what it's beats say to me... so I can't hear what God says to me. Lies can be so loud that we can't hear the truth.

One thing is clear though: the Lord is bringing me through this process of deeper healing and deeper purification to prepare me for my vocation, whatever that may be. For that I am thankful. I know that (even though I feel bipolar sometimes!!) He is walking with me and has my best interests at heart, and is allowing me to go back and forth between these so that I can really dig down into the depths of my soul and find what makes it sing. All of this comes back to identity, which is something I could never seem to grasp.

Lord, help me to look beyond my emotion, beyond my false securities, beyond my sense of 'identity', and find my true desires and my true self in Your merciful heart.  

NCYC

I was privileged this past weekend to attend NCYC (National Catholic Youth Conference) in Indianapolis. There were about 23,000 teens there, and it was so beautiful and inspiring to watch them transform throughout the conference. I felt more alive and more purposeful than I have felt in a while. That is exactly what I love doing. Not only do I just love that kind of atmosphere (awesome speakers, fun music, craziness...), but I love working with teens. I'm so glad I was able to attend because I feel as though it invigorated me as much as it did them. And of course, the whole time I was thinking and praying about my vocation. There was a 'chapel' room, and there was a prayer labyrinth that you walked through, and you are supposed to think of a question or thought to 'ponder' and talk to God about, and then once you get to the center, you reflect for a bit. I decided it would be a good idea for me to do this, so I started slowly walking along the twisting path before me. As I was reflecting, I was thinking about my vocation in relation to the labyrinth. The path was very winding, and I couldn't tell where it ended up connecting to the center. So too in my vocational journey, the path seems to be very crooked, and I can't always see how it connects, or how I get to the end. It takes trust to continue walking, not knowing how many times I'll have to walk in circles, or how long it will take me to get to the center, of if I'll ever even make it there without going insane! And even though by the time I got to the center, I still didn't know what conclusion I had been lead to, but I know that I got there. It really just made me remember to trust that there is an 'ending' to this path, even though I may not see it. I won't be walking in the labyrinth forever. I just need to remember that, either way, Jesus is at the center of it all, and I just need to keep walking the path toward Him. He will reveal my heart to me as I continue walking.

I did talk to Fr. Gregory though about all of these questions I have been having, and he told me to just keep on asking Jesus to help me answer them, and to write things down. So I might be doing a lot of 'thinking through things' on this blog. In the meantime though, he wants me to continue on in the process, and told me that I should never make big decisions during periods of confusion. He also said I need to step back from my emotions, so I need to do my best to do so. (Being an INFP, that will be a stretch haha). He wants me to briefly talk to Sr. Della Marie about it so that she is aware, and maybe could give me some insight. Otherwise, I am to wait til I meet him text before really deciding anything. So currently, I am staying on this path and just praying for clarity and healing. There is a ton of healing that needs to happen, more than I realized. And so the purification continues....

Questions

I know I have not written (proper grammar??) in a bit, but honestly, I have been so overwhelmed and confused. I didn't even know what to write about. Or maybe I do, and I am afraid to write it. Either way, I have been feeling less and less of a pull toward religious life. A lot of questions have been coming to the surface that I feel I need to answer, and many of them tell me the truth about where I am with this. I have been thinking long and hard about the answers.

1. Why am I doing this?
Well, I'd say originally that I am doing this because I love Jesus. But then I dug further.

2. Am I doing this for other people?
Well....in all honesty, I think there is a part of me that is. It is nice to have people excited for me. I am receiving positive feedback from so many people that would love me to be a nun, so naturally, I feed off that and in turn, put on an excited face for them. I want to please people. I don't want to disappoint anyone. It reminds me of when I was a freshman and looking at households: I LOVED Regina Angelorum from the start, but I had to wait to intent. So I started looking at other households, and suddenly, I was very interested in SOL. It was new, it was exciting, and they wanted me. Not that Regina didn't, they all did so badly, but I wasn't allowed to intent yet and I got tired of waiting. So I started going to SOL commitments, wearing red hoodies, loving the "You look good in red" comments, until one day I just knew where my heart was, and that was with my angels. (And I actually did get some "you look good in gray" comments from sisters.... it was adorable... but see the parallels here?)

3. If I decide to not go through with the application process, do I trust that God will have a man for me?
No. No I don't. This would be the biggest leap of trust that I would ever have to make. I think part of me was trying to secure my own future, insure that I would be safe, that I wouldn't be alone. I have a deep down fear that I will never marry and grow old with my cats... don't get me wrong, I love cats, but that just doesn't cut it. And maybe I am called to be a nun. But I think I need to know that I can be loved by a man first.

4. Do I feel forced?
Yes. I feel like I am forcing myself. I want so badly to be called to religious life that I forced myself to be excited. I forced myself into the application process because I thought I had to. And maybe I did. Maybe the Lord wanted me to go through this to teach me how to be fully satisfied with Him, to really woo my heart and love me, to show me that He is taking care of me, to heal my brokenness and strengthen my heart. He has definitely done all of those things and more, and I am so thankful for it. I remember people asking me if I was excited, and one time I actually responded with this: "Yes, I am excited, even though I don't seem like I am".... should have been a red flag, but I just shoved it off and told me to get over myself. I had to do this. I really tried to make the motherhouse seem like "home' to me, like everyone said it should, but deep in my heart, I think I knew otherwise.

5. If a hot, holy man (pretend I know him already) asked me to marry him, would I be able to say no?
I honestly don't think I could. I never really thought about it as a possibility for me because I have always subconsciously deemed myself unlovable by men, but now that the Lord has slowly healed me, I don't know if I would say no to that. It is hard for me to even envision this because it is so lofty, but if I think about an actual person loving me and actually wanting to be with me, I don't really think I could refuse that. Nor would I want to. In the past couple weeks, my eyes have been so completely opened to how beautiful and holy marriage can be, and I all of a sudden don't know if I want to give that up.

6. So, does that mean I made everything up?
No, it doesn't necessarily mean that. I think there were genuine feelings of joy and longing for religious life, but at the end of the day, I don't know if that is where I will grow or thrive the most. And who knows where I will end up. Only God does.

7. So.... what now?
Truth: I have no idea. I am always a confused soul! I just got a voicemail while at work from Sr. Della Marie about setting up my psych interview. I don't know if I need to talk to my spiritual director before making any decisions, or if I should go through with the psych anyways and see what he has to say about all of this. I'm going to shoot my director a text and see if he and I can talk on the phone about all of this. That is not the best, but it will have to do in a pinch. Anyways, please keep me in your prayers as I am figuring out what God wants of me! Maybe I am going to be a nun still, but these are definitely things I need to work through.

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as questions go, but I'll be sure to keep you all posted (literally heh).

Schedules and men

I have much to talk about!

First of all, I want to talk about my schedule and update you all on how my restructuring is going. I have been experimenting the last couple days with some different options. I have been doing some "research" of the mass times between my house and where I work, and I came up with two good solutions. There is a church about halfway through my commute that I usually pass that has a mass at 7:30. I did this on Monday: left the house at 7:00, got to mass on time, and then I was at work a few minutes early. Today, I was planning on going to that mass again, but for some reason there was no one in the Church when I got there... (need to look into that)... but then I remembered that there is a Church about 5 minutes from where I work that has an 8:00 mass. So I went there and was still at work on time. Either way though, I still would leave my house at 7 and get up at 6, which for some reason sounds so much better than getting up at 5:30.

Also, I realized that I need to take better advantage of my lunch breaks. I get an hour every day for lunch, and I could be spending at least half of that, probably even 45 minutes, in prayer in the Church. I have been trying to do this the past couple days and have already felt better. Today of course is Adoration in the chapel so I will be going to that as usual! I'm hoping that I can sort out a pattern that will work well for me.

And here is the things I really need to talk about. Men. (I have been avoiding talking about this.. that is why I haven't written in a few days haha)

I don't know how I 'should be feeling' about them, how I should be relating to them, thinking of them.... if I am truly called to religious life, should I no longer think of men as spouses? Should I no longer think about marriage? I have been very confused lately, mostly because after spiritual direction the other night, I ran into the guy that I had feelings for almost throughout the entire last couple years in Steubenville. We talked for a bit, and I did end up telling him that I was in application with the TOR Sisters. I knew this was a big step for me because it was like I finally had to pull out the root of emotion and attachment that I felt toward him. It was also extremely difficult. He had always been the guy that, if I were to get married, I would want someone exactly like him. I knew that if I didn't marry him, that only meant that the Lord had someone better in mind for me (which I didn't think could be possible... that's how great I thought this guy was). We were pretty good friends, and I could never really tell where he stood with our friendship. It was never brought up though and so I just took that to mean that he just wanted to be friends. I definitely gave him ample opportunity. My feeling is that if a guy wants to do something, he will. I had to always accept this fact, but of course I always wondered what would have happened if I had brought it up.

While I have put this issue to rest many times, and 'moved on' from it, I was surprised by the wave of emotions that came flooding back and how much I all of a sudden wanted to get married. Maybe all the sense of "loss" is just prematurely hitting me now, but I am just confused! I have been so sure that this is what I want (I still had my doubts though) and all of a sudden, I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe this is normal, maybe this is just a bump in the road, or spiritual attack, or just plain old human emotions! But either way, I have been trying to sort through this and find the deepest desires of my heart. It definitely feels tender right now, like I am getting to the bottom of something or something is being healed. It is good that I have already figured out my need for prayer and set aside time for it so that I can work through this.