Questions

I know I have not written (proper grammar??) in a bit, but honestly, I have been so overwhelmed and confused. I didn't even know what to write about. Or maybe I do, and I am afraid to write it. Either way, I have been feeling less and less of a pull toward religious life. A lot of questions have been coming to the surface that I feel I need to answer, and many of them tell me the truth about where I am with this. I have been thinking long and hard about the answers.

1. Why am I doing this?
Well, I'd say originally that I am doing this because I love Jesus. But then I dug further.

2. Am I doing this for other people?
Well....in all honesty, I think there is a part of me that is. It is nice to have people excited for me. I am receiving positive feedback from so many people that would love me to be a nun, so naturally, I feed off that and in turn, put on an excited face for them. I want to please people. I don't want to disappoint anyone. It reminds me of when I was a freshman and looking at households: I LOVED Regina Angelorum from the start, but I had to wait to intent. So I started looking at other households, and suddenly, I was very interested in SOL. It was new, it was exciting, and they wanted me. Not that Regina didn't, they all did so badly, but I wasn't allowed to intent yet and I got tired of waiting. So I started going to SOL commitments, wearing red hoodies, loving the "You look good in red" comments, until one day I just knew where my heart was, and that was with my angels. (And I actually did get some "you look good in gray" comments from sisters.... it was adorable... but see the parallels here?)

3. If I decide to not go through with the application process, do I trust that God will have a man for me?
No. No I don't. This would be the biggest leap of trust that I would ever have to make. I think part of me was trying to secure my own future, insure that I would be safe, that I wouldn't be alone. I have a deep down fear that I will never marry and grow old with my cats... don't get me wrong, I love cats, but that just doesn't cut it. And maybe I am called to be a nun. But I think I need to know that I can be loved by a man first.

4. Do I feel forced?
Yes. I feel like I am forcing myself. I want so badly to be called to religious life that I forced myself to be excited. I forced myself into the application process because I thought I had to. And maybe I did. Maybe the Lord wanted me to go through this to teach me how to be fully satisfied with Him, to really woo my heart and love me, to show me that He is taking care of me, to heal my brokenness and strengthen my heart. He has definitely done all of those things and more, and I am so thankful for it. I remember people asking me if I was excited, and one time I actually responded with this: "Yes, I am excited, even though I don't seem like I am".... should have been a red flag, but I just shoved it off and told me to get over myself. I had to do this. I really tried to make the motherhouse seem like "home' to me, like everyone said it should, but deep in my heart, I think I knew otherwise.

5. If a hot, holy man (pretend I know him already) asked me to marry him, would I be able to say no?
I honestly don't think I could. I never really thought about it as a possibility for me because I have always subconsciously deemed myself unlovable by men, but now that the Lord has slowly healed me, I don't know if I would say no to that. It is hard for me to even envision this because it is so lofty, but if I think about an actual person loving me and actually wanting to be with me, I don't really think I could refuse that. Nor would I want to. In the past couple weeks, my eyes have been so completely opened to how beautiful and holy marriage can be, and I all of a sudden don't know if I want to give that up.

6. So, does that mean I made everything up?
No, it doesn't necessarily mean that. I think there were genuine feelings of joy and longing for religious life, but at the end of the day, I don't know if that is where I will grow or thrive the most. And who knows where I will end up. Only God does.

7. So.... what now?
Truth: I have no idea. I am always a confused soul! I just got a voicemail while at work from Sr. Della Marie about setting up my psych interview. I don't know if I need to talk to my spiritual director before making any decisions, or if I should go through with the psych anyways and see what he has to say about all of this. I'm going to shoot my director a text and see if he and I can talk on the phone about all of this. That is not the best, but it will have to do in a pinch. Anyways, please keep me in your prayers as I am figuring out what God wants of me! Maybe I am going to be a nun still, but these are definitely things I need to work through.

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as questions go, but I'll be sure to keep you all posted (literally heh).