Schedules and men

I have much to talk about!

First of all, I want to talk about my schedule and update you all on how my restructuring is going. I have been experimenting the last couple days with some different options. I have been doing some "research" of the mass times between my house and where I work, and I came up with two good solutions. There is a church about halfway through my commute that I usually pass that has a mass at 7:30. I did this on Monday: left the house at 7:00, got to mass on time, and then I was at work a few minutes early. Today, I was planning on going to that mass again, but for some reason there was no one in the Church when I got there... (need to look into that)... but then I remembered that there is a Church about 5 minutes from where I work that has an 8:00 mass. So I went there and was still at work on time. Either way though, I still would leave my house at 7 and get up at 6, which for some reason sounds so much better than getting up at 5:30.

Also, I realized that I need to take better advantage of my lunch breaks. I get an hour every day for lunch, and I could be spending at least half of that, probably even 45 minutes, in prayer in the Church. I have been trying to do this the past couple days and have already felt better. Today of course is Adoration in the chapel so I will be going to that as usual! I'm hoping that I can sort out a pattern that will work well for me.

And here is the things I really need to talk about. Men. (I have been avoiding talking about this.. that is why I haven't written in a few days haha)

I don't know how I 'should be feeling' about them, how I should be relating to them, thinking of them.... if I am truly called to religious life, should I no longer think of men as spouses? Should I no longer think about marriage? I have been very confused lately, mostly because after spiritual direction the other night, I ran into the guy that I had feelings for almost throughout the entire last couple years in Steubenville. We talked for a bit, and I did end up telling him that I was in application with the TOR Sisters. I knew this was a big step for me because it was like I finally had to pull out the root of emotion and attachment that I felt toward him. It was also extremely difficult. He had always been the guy that, if I were to get married, I would want someone exactly like him. I knew that if I didn't marry him, that only meant that the Lord had someone better in mind for me (which I didn't think could be possible... that's how great I thought this guy was). We were pretty good friends, and I could never really tell where he stood with our friendship. It was never brought up though and so I just took that to mean that he just wanted to be friends. I definitely gave him ample opportunity. My feeling is that if a guy wants to do something, he will. I had to always accept this fact, but of course I always wondered what would have happened if I had brought it up.

While I have put this issue to rest many times, and 'moved on' from it, I was surprised by the wave of emotions that came flooding back and how much I all of a sudden wanted to get married. Maybe all the sense of "loss" is just prematurely hitting me now, but I am just confused! I have been so sure that this is what I want (I still had my doubts though) and all of a sudden, I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe this is normal, maybe this is just a bump in the road, or spiritual attack, or just plain old human emotions! But either way, I have been trying to sort through this and find the deepest desires of my heart. It definitely feels tender right now, like I am getting to the bottom of something or something is being healed. It is good that I have already figured out my need for prayer and set aside time for it so that I can work through this.