Restructuring

So, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had spiritual direction last Thursday night, and it was quite eventful. I told Father a lot about my anxiety, and how I am not sure what to do about it. He also asked me how my prayer has been, and I had to tell him that it has unfortunately been not so good since I rarely have time to sit down and be quiet. I pray in the car and in spare moments, but it is rarely  sitting in front of a tabernacle in silence. I do have one holy hour a week, but that is not enough. Father was of course not pleased about this and basically told me that he can't really help me if I'm not praying. Not that he wouldn't help me, but if I don't let Jesus help me first, it would be useless. Which I totally understand... it just kicked me in the butt.

Then he asked me about my day, so I gave him a run-through. He immediately came up with red flags in my schedule that needed to be fixed. First of all, I need to find a better way to go to daily mass. I have been trying to go at 6:30am, and it has been such a struggle. The first couple weeks I was fine, but the exhaustion soon caught up to me, and I have since either not made it to mass every day, or I am rushing out the door and getting there right as it starts (which stresses me out). Then immediately after mass, I rush home and eat breakfast, and rush out again. Too much rushing. And then traffic seems to stress me out as well. And somewhere in the midst of all this, I needed to find time to have at least 3 holy hours a week. We came up with a few different options to make my days less stressful: I could get up earlier, go to 6:30 mass and not come home between so I can take my time getting to work, and then I would probably get to work early so I can pray in the church before my day starts. Another option staying after work and praying for an hour and then going to the 6:00 pm daily mass, and going home after that, which would also enable me to avoid traffic. There are so many things I like about this plan: I don't have to get up as early, I get to have a whole HOUR of quiet at the end of the day, I get to go to mass, and I don't have to drive home during rush hour. There are some cons though: I get less time with my family in the evenings, I already have CCD and Youth Group two nights out of the week, and I think they close the Church during certain hours (but I am sure I can ask to have it opened). Seriously though, it sounds like absolute Heaven to have that in the evenings. Even if I just do that 3 evenings, I think it would majorly bring my stress level down.

Father also said that I need to quit teaching CCD and only stay til December if they absolutely need me to... I need to be prioritizing discerning my vocation and not neglect my prayer life. I need to be "going on these dates with Jesus". And he very frankly said: "How do you think a guy would feel if you were about to be engaged and you all of a sudden got too busy for him?"... well when you put it that way.....

So I am not sure how these things will pan out. I like option number two, but I also don't like that I wouldn't be home some evenings. I know my family is not going to really like it that much either, but this is one of those things I feel like I need to do. As much as I have been trying to be present and "be where my feet are", I need to remember that I am discerning a vocation and that takes time and attention. I guess this is why we have spiritual directors to remind us of these things :)

And he said "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things".... if only he knew how much that story has been stalking me lately. And how much I need to be more like Mary. I guess he does know, and that is why he said it...

So now I need to implement this plan. I am a little nervous about logistics and talking to my parents about it, but I am hoping they will be supportive of my decisions. I will also need to talk to the religious ed coordinator about the future as well. So much still to do, but I need to make sure I am not leaving Jesus out of it!

I'll leave with this quote that Father told me to put on my mirror:

"Do not let work extinguish the spirit of prayer" - St. Francis of Assisi