22: Joy

This weekend, I had the absolute JOY of spending time with some of my household sisters from out of town, who happen to also be some of my closest friends. I was only able to see one of them for about an hour or so, and it was in an extremely loud environment, but it still was such a treasured time and we were able to catch up on many things. I spent all of Friday evening and Saturday with the other girls though, and it was such a blessing. It is always a comfort to be in the presence of people who know me so well and know about my discernment. I am able to share freely the joys and the struggles of this journey I am on. We spent most of the time at the University, so it was wonderful to see other friends as well!

Not only was this weekend a ton of fun, it was very affirming of the call I feel to religious life. I spent time with two married friends, one engaged friend, and one "seriously dating" friend (aka, they probably will get engaged soon!! yay). So naturally, there was a lot of catching up about husbands, wedding planning, married life, potential babies (not yet, but it always comes up in conversation :p ), and all things romantic. Normally, this would have bothered me. Even just last semester, spending time with people who always talked about love and marriage etc. would always leave me feeling empty and down on myself. It would spark a longing within me that was not filled, and the ache was always noticeable. However, this weekend was different. I was amazed that I didn't even feel a slight ache for that. I would leave conversations, noticing this time the "lack of hurt" and the fullness that I still felt. It allowed me to much more purely find joy in my sisters' lives and listen with not even a hint of jealously.

I also noticed a difference within me after my interactions with men. I was able to spend time with some of my closest guy friends from Franciscan this weekend, who are always eager to love and serve me as their sister in Christ, and felt no emotional instability afterwards. What do I mean by this? Well, I have always had a hard time being emotionally chaste with the men in my life. Even if I felt no romantic inclinations toward them, I always found myself being very emotionally needy and vulnerable around them, like I needed their affirmation and their attention. And they, being the amazing gentlemen that they are, were always willing to give that to me. However, this would become toxic because of how unstable I used to be. I would try to fill myself with their attention, but afterward, would be left feeling so empty and so broken, and so desperately wanting a man to fill that gap. This time however, I was able to receive their love in such a pure way. I was able to enjoy the hugs and the affirmations (because, let's be honest, what girl doesn't like that attention?) and treasure it as I would from any friend. I was able to walk away simply feeling loved. I can't tell you how freeing that feeling was. All of it, from the marriage talk to hanging out with my guy friends, it was also so beautiful and so pure... it was impossible not to notice the change within myself: how rooted I have become, and how much the Lord truly has captured my heart.