25: Phone calls with Jesus

Ok, so Jesus didn't call me on the phone. But it was pretty darn close! Last night, I talked to Fr. Rick. He is just one of those priests that always makes me feel like I'm really talking to Jesus (so I guess he is doing a good job at his vocation!)

I had wanted to talk to him about fasting and all that I was struggling with in that area (see previous post if you don't know what I'm talking about). I kind of already knew the answers to my questions, but it was nice just to have someone else affirm that.. someone else who is not in my jumbled brain 24/7 like I am!

We talked about how I compare myself too much to other saints, and how I desire holiness and sainthood, but I need to do that in my own way... even if that means I can't fast from food. Basically, this is just something I need to accept and offer to the Lord. It was very helpful to 'analyze' this out loud, and really see how unfruitful my attempts at food fasting were, and how very fruitful my other fasts are. For instance, I don't listen to music on my commutes on Wednesdays and Fridays as a fast for those days. So that is 4 hours total of silence that I have committed to. It really has allowed me to spend some beautiful time with the Lord and just talk to Him and receive from Him (or yell and complain, which I have been prone to do....). It has also given me much more time to pray for the intentions in my life that I am fasting for. It never really feels like much of a fast because it is not torturous, but I just have to remember that fasting doesn't have to be this difficult, agonizing thing, but rather something tangible that I can give up for His greater Glory. But either way, the Lord accepts this sacrifice because He knows it comes from the heart and from such a desire to give up something for Him.

Father really helped me to realize how much better I will feel, and how much more peace I will have if I just end my battle with food fasting. Even though I am at a good place right now with eating, he really advised me to just let it go because I am in a good place. In other words, don't wake a sleeping giant. I had never thought of it from that perspective, but I think that is very wise. In my attempts to food fast, I am just opening doors for the devil to creep back in. It is time that I shut that door.

I already feel better today and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It is amazing how much that stress was tearing me down and attacking me. I am glad to have it gone! We are not all called to fast in the same ways, and that is ok! So for now, I am going to continue finding new ways to fast, and be completely at peace with it.

23. Melting down

So yesterday I had a little meltdown... ok it was a big meltdown.

For anyone who doesn't know, I used to have an eating disorder. Thankfully, the Lord has brought tremendous amounts of healing to this area of my life, but it is something I think that will creep up every once in a while. It is definitely a cross that comes in different ways depending on the situation.

For instance: fasting.

Obviously, while in the midst of my struggles, I was not allowed to fast from food. Sure, maybe I wanted to, but it was more of a fast for me to not fast from food. This was always really hard for me. Not because I had to eat, but because of how much I wish I could fast. I always admired people who could do bread and water fasts because it just seems so legit. All the great saints seem to do it, and I always wished I was able to. But I wasn't. And this created ever more stress on top of what I was already going through. Thankfully, I had a wonderful priest, Fr. Rick, who guided me during this time and helped me to decipher through all the lies, but fasting is still something I struggle with to this day.

Even though I am in a completely different place in life and not struggling with eating now, it has come to my attention that fasting from food is still probably not the best idea. It all started when I was reading a booklet yesterday about "Safe Fasting for Teens" because I was curious to see if it addressed eating disorders. I went looking for it, so I don't know why it was such a surprise to read, but this is the gist of what I found: if you have even the slightest tendency toward anorexia, you should not fast from food. ever.

Now I know this is not going to be the same for every situation, but something inside me just snapped. I think seeing it written on paper really just cut me deep. And then the lies started creeping in. The TOR sisters fast every Wednesday and Friday, so would I be able to fast with them? If I can't fast then maybe I'm not fit for community. I can't talk to them about this because then they might not accept me. What if I get 'rejected' because of my inability to fast? Maybe this isn't really what I am supposed to do.... etc. etc. etc.

I know what you're thinking: that escalated quickly.

And it did. I started doubting everything. All of my discernment, everything I have experienced, I thought I just made it all up. The struggle there was real.

Thankfully, through the prayers of my friends and through a little angsty conversation with God on my drive home, I kind of calmed down.  I know I should probably talk to one of the Sisters about it, but I still just have that fear that I will get rejected because of this. I mean they already know about my history with eating, but have they made the connection that I probably shouldn't fast? I don't know. I just wish I was able to do this. It is definitely a cross on top of a cross that I must bear with grace. It just makes me feel so defective and like a failure that I can't do this great fast that I so long to do. It is a good lesson in humility, and I have to learn to rejoice in that.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. -2 Corinthians 12:9