14

Last night I was able to have much needed Spiritual Direction with Fr. Gregory. Praise the Lord. The Holy Spirit was totally present. We got to talk about a lot of my fears and the reasons for my anxiety. It was very good just to talk out the lies, and every time I do that, there is always more freedom. I have the tendency to always think that there is something "wrong" with me, or that what I am going through is abnormal. Fr. Gregory really helped me to realize that sometimes, we are just hardwired certain ways, and situations tend to trigger these anxious responses. That doesn't mean I shouldn't go through with it, that just means that it is hitting a weak spot and I am needing to grow. It is an act of the will to keep going and keep my eyes fixed on Christ, and not to get distracted. I was very glad though that my anxiety didn't necessarily mean I wouldn't get accepted. I also was thinking that since I was so anxious, there still must be a huge issue there, and that means I can't be a nun. Wrong again! My problem is just that I over-think and become so self absorbed that I start becoming anxious about how I am anxious. It is a dangerous spiral if I can't get out of that. I'm glad I was able to recognize that early on and start climbing out of the whirlpool. I was working too hard on treating the symptoms instead of going straight to the source for healing.

So basically, I just talked about everything that I have been blogging here. So nothing really new that I realized, but it was definitely so helpful and healing to speak it out loud and receive affirmation that I am doing the right thing. It was also soooo good to know that this is pretty normal!

But here is my homework. I need to memorize and learn this prayer so I can pray it daily and whenever I feel anxious. It will help me to give up all control and to allow the Lord to be the man and lead me in our romance. Through this process, He is creating me more into the woman I am made to be, and helping my heart to become more and more feminine. I need to surrender to Him and allow Him to be the man in this relationship, and not take matters into my own hands.

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-St. Ignatius of  Loyola

Day 6: The Lies

Note: this is from the retreat I went on last September, 2012

Going on the Discernment Retreat was a huge step for me, but at the same time, just scratching the surface. The devil was obviously not pleased with my desire to do anything the Lord asked of me, so he started retaliating the best he could: through lies, doubts, and fears all hitting me at my weakest points.

One lie that started cultivating during the retreat was that I could never be a nun because of my past. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, and struggled with some serious sin, and I know that I have been forgiven through the graces of Confession, but forgiving myself was always a huge issue for me. When I would think about things I used to do, I would feel so ashamed, so guilty, so disgusting, so unworthy of God's love. So of course, the devil took this and ran with it. On the retreat, some of the sisters gave their vocation stories, but they were always very mild (yet incredibly beautiful!) stories, and I thought wow, I am nothing like this... And of course, by the grace of God, I was paired with a certain sister for my one-on-one meeting who was able to help me with this lie through the witness of her own life and also through the witness of a certain saint: St. Margaret of Cortona. This remarkable woman is also known as the second, or Franciscan, Mary Magdalene. Sister told me a little about St. Margaret's life and let me borrow a book about her. Not only did this Saint and I share a name, but I could relate so much to her sentiments and feelings toward the Lord and toward her past. The Lord transformed her in such a radical way though, and now she is an incorruptible saint. Her life is truly extraordinary. She bore a son out of wedlock and when her lover died suddenly, she realized the gravity of the state of their souls, and spent the rest of her life doing penance and giving all she had as a Franciscan sister. If she can become a nun, then there is no reason I can't! Here is a beautiful quote from a book about her:

""I have put thee as a burning light," Our Lord said to her later, "to enlighten those who sit in the darkness.--I have set thee as an example to sinners, that in thee they may behold how my mercy awaits the sinner who is willing to repent; for as I have been merciful to thee, so will I be merciful to them.""

I also struggled with lot of doubt during this time: doubting my discernment, doubting the Lord's providence, doubting my feelings. The devil was always on my back, telling me that I was making everything up, that I didn't want this, that God would not ever want this for me.

The confusion was also difficult to work through. I soon learned that I really did not know what I wanted. What were the true desires of my heart? Did I truly want to be a parent? Was I wanting to join religious life because I was afraid of being in a relationship? Did I even know what a good, Catholic relationship looked like? Is it bad to want to run away from the world? Can I really go through my whole life and never give myself completely to another man? Would being a mother fulfill me? Where would I best grow? Do I really want anything besides Jesus?

These are only a few of the many questions that plagued my thoughts. The problem is that I over-think things constantly. My brain is hardly ever at rest, not even when I am trying to sleep. And I am a dweller. I will stick with the same issue for a while and let it fester until I am about ready to explode. This is when I decided it was time to invest in a spiritual director. 

What I learned/am still learning:

1. I don't have to have been perfect to be a nun. The Lord can take people wherever they are at. He radically changes hearts every day. And some of the greatest sinners have become the greatest saints! There are so many great examples to look to. There is no reason the Lord can't do the same for me. 
2. It is OK to need help. Spiritual direction is pretty much necessary when discerning this kind of thing. And it is also just a really good tool that is helpful at any point in the spiritual life. There was also no way I could sort out all of those questions on my own.
3. Take time to learn your heart. I quickly learned that I didn't know what I wanted. For so long I had put everyone's needs before my own, thinking that what I wanted didn't matter, that I soon forgot to ask my heart what it's desires are. This requires prayer and healing to figure these things out, and I am still on that journey of self-discovery. 

"With all her fear of herself, which was never far away, she grew in confidence because she knew that now she was loved by one who would not fail her. " -From a book on St. Margaret of Cortona