15

So, exciting story!

Last night, I was driving home from my church, where I was helping out with a youth ministry intro night, and I just decided to turn on K-Love even though I knew they were doing pledging. I guess I was hoping there would be a song on. To my joy, there was! But it wasn't just any song... It was "Oceans" by Hillsong. Now, this is already kind of weird because I have never heard them play this song before, and I always would wonder why they never played it (it's like the best song). This song basically is my life right now. If you have never heard it, you need to listen to it! Here is a little snippet of they lyrics:
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Pretty darn great I would say. And very much what I am going through right now and corresponds with the Gospel of Peter walking on the water toward Christ. If you read over previous posts, you will see me referencing this story a lot, and how much I believed that Christ was calling me to walk on the water toward Him. So already, I am feeling this song. I couldn't really believe that it was actually playing and that it started just as soon as I got in the car, so that also just made me kind of emotional (doesn't really take much sometimes haha). I pulled into the driveway as the song was still playing, so I just sat there and prayed with it and when it ended, just shut the car off and sat in silence. My heart began to get very overwhelmed with love, so I started telling Jesus out-loud how much I love Him. Tears started running down my face, and all of a sudden, my heart like welled up inside me and I felt deep within my soul "Will you be mine?" It came from so deep inside me that I couldn't have made it up. Of course I said "Yes, yes a thousand times yes" and I cried some more and it was glorious :)

Then after I got into the house and finally sat down to read my devotional, it read this:

Never take for granted My intimate nearness. Marvel at the wonder of My continual Presence with you. Even the most ardent human lover cannot be with you always. Nor can another person know the intimacies of your heart, mind, and spirit. I know everything about you—even to the number of hairs on your head. You don’t need to work at revealing yourself to Me. Many people spend a lifetime or a small fortune searching for someone who understands them. Yet I am freely available to all who call upon My Name, who open their hearts to receive Me as Savior. This simple act of faith is the beginning of a lifelong love story. I, the Lover of your soul, understand you perfectly and love you eternally. -"Jesus Calling"

Wow. No words. 

So there you have it! The proposal!

At first when I thought about it, I was like "well that was a strange place for it to happen", but the more I thought about it, the more perfect it was. Let me break it down for you:
1) The song: I already talked about this above, but that song is perfect. And I had never heard it on the radio... and Klove is the only thing I listen to and I'm in the car A LOT for work. So I think that was no coincidence.
2) The timing: If you read my post from yesterday, you will see that I talked about giving up control and letting the Lord be the man. It was also earlier in that day that I prayed the "Suscipe" prayer 3 times as an act of surrender. It is amazing what He gives back once we give Him everything.
3) The location: Now you may think, how could a car be a very romantic spot for this to happen? Well this is actually very significant for me because cars have for so long brought memories of sin and painful experiences. It was in a car that I was 'used' for the first time. So of course, He would want to bring redemption and healing and bring LIGHT into such a place of past darkness.

Glory. I was kind of hoping that a sunflower ring would appear from nowhere.... but beggars can't be choosers. And there's still time ;)

14

Last night I was able to have much needed Spiritual Direction with Fr. Gregory. Praise the Lord. The Holy Spirit was totally present. We got to talk about a lot of my fears and the reasons for my anxiety. It was very good just to talk out the lies, and every time I do that, there is always more freedom. I have the tendency to always think that there is something "wrong" with me, or that what I am going through is abnormal. Fr. Gregory really helped me to realize that sometimes, we are just hardwired certain ways, and situations tend to trigger these anxious responses. That doesn't mean I shouldn't go through with it, that just means that it is hitting a weak spot and I am needing to grow. It is an act of the will to keep going and keep my eyes fixed on Christ, and not to get distracted. I was very glad though that my anxiety didn't necessarily mean I wouldn't get accepted. I also was thinking that since I was so anxious, there still must be a huge issue there, and that means I can't be a nun. Wrong again! My problem is just that I over-think and become so self absorbed that I start becoming anxious about how I am anxious. It is a dangerous spiral if I can't get out of that. I'm glad I was able to recognize that early on and start climbing out of the whirlpool. I was working too hard on treating the symptoms instead of going straight to the source for healing.

So basically, I just talked about everything that I have been blogging here. So nothing really new that I realized, but it was definitely so helpful and healing to speak it out loud and receive affirmation that I am doing the right thing. It was also soooo good to know that this is pretty normal!

But here is my homework. I need to memorize and learn this prayer so I can pray it daily and whenever I feel anxious. It will help me to give up all control and to allow the Lord to be the man and lead me in our romance. Through this process, He is creating me more into the woman I am made to be, and helping my heart to become more and more feminine. I need to surrender to Him and allow Him to be the man in this relationship, and not take matters into my own hands.

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-St. Ignatius of  Loyola