15

So, exciting story!

Last night, I was driving home from my church, where I was helping out with a youth ministry intro night, and I just decided to turn on K-Love even though I knew they were doing pledging. I guess I was hoping there would be a song on. To my joy, there was! But it wasn't just any song... It was "Oceans" by Hillsong. Now, this is already kind of weird because I have never heard them play this song before, and I always would wonder why they never played it (it's like the best song). This song basically is my life right now. If you have never heard it, you need to listen to it! Here is a little snippet of they lyrics:
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Pretty darn great I would say. And very much what I am going through right now and corresponds with the Gospel of Peter walking on the water toward Christ. If you read over previous posts, you will see me referencing this story a lot, and how much I believed that Christ was calling me to walk on the water toward Him. So already, I am feeling this song. I couldn't really believe that it was actually playing and that it started just as soon as I got in the car, so that also just made me kind of emotional (doesn't really take much sometimes haha). I pulled into the driveway as the song was still playing, so I just sat there and prayed with it and when it ended, just shut the car off and sat in silence. My heart began to get very overwhelmed with love, so I started telling Jesus out-loud how much I love Him. Tears started running down my face, and all of a sudden, my heart like welled up inside me and I felt deep within my soul "Will you be mine?" It came from so deep inside me that I couldn't have made it up. Of course I said "Yes, yes a thousand times yes" and I cried some more and it was glorious :)

Then after I got into the house and finally sat down to read my devotional, it read this:

Never take for granted My intimate nearness. Marvel at the wonder of My continual Presence with you. Even the most ardent human lover cannot be with you always. Nor can another person know the intimacies of your heart, mind, and spirit. I know everything about you—even to the number of hairs on your head. You don’t need to work at revealing yourself to Me. Many people spend a lifetime or a small fortune searching for someone who understands them. Yet I am freely available to all who call upon My Name, who open their hearts to receive Me as Savior. This simple act of faith is the beginning of a lifelong love story. I, the Lover of your soul, understand you perfectly and love you eternally. -"Jesus Calling"

Wow. No words. 

So there you have it! The proposal!

At first when I thought about it, I was like "well that was a strange place for it to happen", but the more I thought about it, the more perfect it was. Let me break it down for you:
1) The song: I already talked about this above, but that song is perfect. And I had never heard it on the radio... and Klove is the only thing I listen to and I'm in the car A LOT for work. So I think that was no coincidence.
2) The timing: If you read my post from yesterday, you will see that I talked about giving up control and letting the Lord be the man. It was also earlier in that day that I prayed the "Suscipe" prayer 3 times as an act of surrender. It is amazing what He gives back once we give Him everything.
3) The location: Now you may think, how could a car be a very romantic spot for this to happen? Well this is actually very significant for me because cars have for so long brought memories of sin and painful experiences. It was in a car that I was 'used' for the first time. So of course, He would want to bring redemption and healing and bring LIGHT into such a place of past darkness.

Glory. I was kind of hoping that a sunflower ring would appear from nowhere.... but beggars can't be choosers. And there's still time ;)

13:

I've been really having a hard time with fear lately. More specifically, the fear that I won't get accepted into the TOR sisters. I don't know why, but I just have this looming fear over me that they're going to discern that I am not fit for the community for whatever reason. When I think about this, it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to just burst into tears. Memories of a horrible break-up and me thinking over and over, "I thought you loved me", come rushing back into my consciousness. I've realized how far I've fallen... how far I've fallen in love. And that scares me. I've had my heart torn into pieces before, and it has left me fearful.

It is interesting though that the very thing I was trying to avoid by turning to the Lord for fulfillment is the very thing that is happening to me right now. I was afraid of falling in love because I didn't want to be hurt again. I once told the Lord that I didn't want to be in any serious relationship again until it was the man I was supposed to marry. I have been on dates since then, and they have been very good, redeeming experiences with men, but He has remained true to that promise. And during that time, when I would be upset that I made that bargain with Him and desperately longing to be in a relationship with someone, it was then that I would ask Him to fill me and pursue me because I hated feeling that ache. I hated feeling that broken heart creeping back up again. And it was then that He started wooing me, very slowly and quietly so I barely even noticed.

And now I find myself in this position where I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. I have never loved anything or anyone the way I love Jesus. I feel a little bit irrational sometimes, but I just can't even convey how badly I desire Him. I know I don't need to be in religious life to have Him, but having Him while living a life in the world with commitments that would take away my time with Him would just be unbearable and would leave me feeling dissatisfied and incomplete. I hate that I am even writing this right now because once I put it out there, it makes it more real and it becomes even more possible for it to be broken. At least if I kept it to myself, I could pretend I didn't care as much as I do. But I can't not talk about it. I need to bring this fear out of the darkness.

I don't even know why this fear is taking such a toll on me. But it's most likely because I don't trust enough. I don't trust God with my heart. The truth of the matter is that everything is going to be according to His will, so I need to be ok if things don't go exactly how I want them to. And the other truth is that He is going to be with me no matter what route He brings me down, and nothing will change how much He loves me. If there is anyone in the world I should feel free to trust with my heart, it is Him. He is not out to break my heart, and He truly desires my good, so why am I so fearful? This is weighing me down and making me feel trapped and like I can't move forward. I'm afraid to tell people about my discernment because of how little control I have over this situation.  In fact, I really have no control. It is in the hands of God and the TOR sisters. Sure, I am the one answering the questions and filling out the papers, but ultimately it is not my decision at the end. And giving up all control has never been an easy thing for me to do.

So these are my struggles at present. I'm being stretched thin but my heart is so full of love. It is quite a strange experience. But I'm learning to trust, and I am being healed of those deepest wounds by the One who knows me and loves me better than anyone ever could. Really, He is the only one who can bring about healing from such brokenness. And I wouldn't have it any other way <3

My jukebox for the day: "Holding Nothing Back" by Ryan Stevenson: 

"Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between You and me. Jesus, it don't matter what I have to go through, I'm holding nothing back, nothing back from you"