13:

I've been really having a hard time with fear lately. More specifically, the fear that I won't get accepted into the TOR sisters. I don't know why, but I just have this looming fear over me that they're going to discern that I am not fit for the community for whatever reason. When I think about this, it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to just burst into tears. Memories of a horrible break-up and me thinking over and over, "I thought you loved me", come rushing back into my consciousness. I've realized how far I've fallen... how far I've fallen in love. And that scares me. I've had my heart torn into pieces before, and it has left me fearful.

It is interesting though that the very thing I was trying to avoid by turning to the Lord for fulfillment is the very thing that is happening to me right now. I was afraid of falling in love because I didn't want to be hurt again. I once told the Lord that I didn't want to be in any serious relationship again until it was the man I was supposed to marry. I have been on dates since then, and they have been very good, redeeming experiences with men, but He has remained true to that promise. And during that time, when I would be upset that I made that bargain with Him and desperately longing to be in a relationship with someone, it was then that I would ask Him to fill me and pursue me because I hated feeling that ache. I hated feeling that broken heart creeping back up again. And it was then that He started wooing me, very slowly and quietly so I barely even noticed.

And now I find myself in this position where I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. I have never loved anything or anyone the way I love Jesus. I feel a little bit irrational sometimes, but I just can't even convey how badly I desire Him. I know I don't need to be in religious life to have Him, but having Him while living a life in the world with commitments that would take away my time with Him would just be unbearable and would leave me feeling dissatisfied and incomplete. I hate that I am even writing this right now because once I put it out there, it makes it more real and it becomes even more possible for it to be broken. At least if I kept it to myself, I could pretend I didn't care as much as I do. But I can't not talk about it. I need to bring this fear out of the darkness.

I don't even know why this fear is taking such a toll on me. But it's most likely because I don't trust enough. I don't trust God with my heart. The truth of the matter is that everything is going to be according to His will, so I need to be ok if things don't go exactly how I want them to. And the other truth is that He is going to be with me no matter what route He brings me down, and nothing will change how much He loves me. If there is anyone in the world I should feel free to trust with my heart, it is Him. He is not out to break my heart, and He truly desires my good, so why am I so fearful? This is weighing me down and making me feel trapped and like I can't move forward. I'm afraid to tell people about my discernment because of how little control I have over this situation.  In fact, I really have no control. It is in the hands of God and the TOR sisters. Sure, I am the one answering the questions and filling out the papers, but ultimately it is not my decision at the end. And giving up all control has never been an easy thing for me to do.

So these are my struggles at present. I'm being stretched thin but my heart is so full of love. It is quite a strange experience. But I'm learning to trust, and I am being healed of those deepest wounds by the One who knows me and loves me better than anyone ever could. Really, He is the only one who can bring about healing from such brokenness. And I wouldn't have it any other way <3

My jukebox for the day: "Holding Nothing Back" by Ryan Stevenson: 

"Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between You and me. Jesus, it don't matter what I have to go through, I'm holding nothing back, nothing back from you" 

11: Discernment Retreat #2

September 2013

As all of this change of heart/discovery was happening, I decided to yet again pray the same novena I prayed last July to St. Anne for my future husband (basically that I would find him. Immediately.) It is interesting to note that each time after I prayed the novena: 1) I did not find my future spouse, and 2) I for some reason felt a really big tug toward discerning religious life. I think this was no coincidence. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Naturally, I started thinking about the TOR sisters again. I hadn't really thought about it too much since April, when I went and stayed for a week, and so I figured I would email Sr. Della Marie just to see how everyone there was doing. And of course, being the vocation director, she wrote back asking me about my discernment and if I wanted to meet with her sometime to talk. I loved the idea, and we picked a Saturday during a discernment retreat that I could come down just for the evening. I then received another email from Sister telling me that there were some cancellations if I wanted to come for the whole retreat. So next thing you know, I am going on another discernment retreat: the same one that I went on in September a year ago. This time though, I was at a completely different place in my discernment, so my experience was much different as well. I was wondering if it was going to be the exact same retreat, but I was told later that they, at the last minute, decided to change the talks. They all ended up being perfectly what I need to hear. Slowly over the course of the weekend, my conviction built, and the idea of applying became more and more a reality. I always feel so at home there, and my heart was filled with such joy.

The priest who was saying mass on Saturday was also awesome. He started crying during the consecration, which was just so powerful and a true testament to what is actually going on in the mass. It was beautiful. He was staying the afternoon as well to be present to us and hear Confessions if we needed to go. I was thinking about going, but didn't really think I needed to, but just as I am thinking this, Father goes: "A lot of times, women will experience a lot of fears when discerning religious life. If you have a lot of fears, these need to be confessed." ..... well crap. I definitely had to go now! And of course, there was no one in line to go, so I was able to hop right in. It was absolutely a Holy Spirit moment. I was able to speak out a lot of fears and lies, and Father was very helpful in working through these. I started having an anxiety attack because of how much I was bringing to the surface. It was very healing, but I think there is still much to be worked through. (I am still feeling a lot of this anxiety a few weeks later).

Saturday afternoon, I started developing a headache and became dizzy. As the evening progressed, it became more severe and I also became very nauseous and experienced numbness in my hands. I regretfully had to lay down in my room, while the sisters (yet again) cared for me and made sure I was properly medicated. I was joking with the sisters and assuring them that I am not always sick (even though I was sick the first time I came there as well haha). Again though, the Lord used this in a beautiful way: one of the sisters came up to see how I was doing, and we ended up talking for a while which turned out to be an extremely blessed and helpful conversation! I was, however, still feeling discouraged and trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I kid you not, this was my devotional for the next morning:

 Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence. (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young) (Emphasis is mine) 

Ok seriously, what the heck. This was wayyy to perfect for what was going on with me. I literally laughed to myself when I read it. This brought me so much comfort, because it reminded me that Jesus was with me and had control over the situation. It also gave me greater courage to keep fighting through and not giving up. I was earlier tempted to think that maybe it was not the Lord's will for me to be on that retreat (maybe not even to be discerning), but this passage really showed me that I couldn't give up and think that just because I was feeling 'off balance'. It also gave me comfort to know that even if I did choose to give up, that He would not reject me. I was free to make a choice. And I chose Him <3. 

I went to the Reverend Mother and told her that I wanted to apply (she was hoping I was going to say that!), and I talked to Sr. Della Marie about the application process and set up times for my interviews. I needed to be like Peter and step out of the boat, even in the midst of the uncertainty. He was calling to me.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14)

Day 6: The Lies

Note: this is from the retreat I went on last September, 2012

Going on the Discernment Retreat was a huge step for me, but at the same time, just scratching the surface. The devil was obviously not pleased with my desire to do anything the Lord asked of me, so he started retaliating the best he could: through lies, doubts, and fears all hitting me at my weakest points.

One lie that started cultivating during the retreat was that I could never be a nun because of my past. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, and struggled with some serious sin, and I know that I have been forgiven through the graces of Confession, but forgiving myself was always a huge issue for me. When I would think about things I used to do, I would feel so ashamed, so guilty, so disgusting, so unworthy of God's love. So of course, the devil took this and ran with it. On the retreat, some of the sisters gave their vocation stories, but they were always very mild (yet incredibly beautiful!) stories, and I thought wow, I am nothing like this... And of course, by the grace of God, I was paired with a certain sister for my one-on-one meeting who was able to help me with this lie through the witness of her own life and also through the witness of a certain saint: St. Margaret of Cortona. This remarkable woman is also known as the second, or Franciscan, Mary Magdalene. Sister told me a little about St. Margaret's life and let me borrow a book about her. Not only did this Saint and I share a name, but I could relate so much to her sentiments and feelings toward the Lord and toward her past. The Lord transformed her in such a radical way though, and now she is an incorruptible saint. Her life is truly extraordinary. She bore a son out of wedlock and when her lover died suddenly, she realized the gravity of the state of their souls, and spent the rest of her life doing penance and giving all she had as a Franciscan sister. If she can become a nun, then there is no reason I can't! Here is a beautiful quote from a book about her:

""I have put thee as a burning light," Our Lord said to her later, "to enlighten those who sit in the darkness.--I have set thee as an example to sinners, that in thee they may behold how my mercy awaits the sinner who is willing to repent; for as I have been merciful to thee, so will I be merciful to them.""

I also struggled with lot of doubt during this time: doubting my discernment, doubting the Lord's providence, doubting my feelings. The devil was always on my back, telling me that I was making everything up, that I didn't want this, that God would not ever want this for me.

The confusion was also difficult to work through. I soon learned that I really did not know what I wanted. What were the true desires of my heart? Did I truly want to be a parent? Was I wanting to join religious life because I was afraid of being in a relationship? Did I even know what a good, Catholic relationship looked like? Is it bad to want to run away from the world? Can I really go through my whole life and never give myself completely to another man? Would being a mother fulfill me? Where would I best grow? Do I really want anything besides Jesus?

These are only a few of the many questions that plagued my thoughts. The problem is that I over-think things constantly. My brain is hardly ever at rest, not even when I am trying to sleep. And I am a dweller. I will stick with the same issue for a while and let it fester until I am about ready to explode. This is when I decided it was time to invest in a spiritual director. 

What I learned/am still learning:

1. I don't have to have been perfect to be a nun. The Lord can take people wherever they are at. He radically changes hearts every day. And some of the greatest sinners have become the greatest saints! There are so many great examples to look to. There is no reason the Lord can't do the same for me. 
2. It is OK to need help. Spiritual direction is pretty much necessary when discerning this kind of thing. And it is also just a really good tool that is helpful at any point in the spiritual life. There was also no way I could sort out all of those questions on my own.
3. Take time to learn your heart. I quickly learned that I didn't know what I wanted. For so long I had put everyone's needs before my own, thinking that what I wanted didn't matter, that I soon forgot to ask my heart what it's desires are. This requires prayer and healing to figure these things out, and I am still on that journey of self-discovery. 

"With all her fear of herself, which was never far away, she grew in confidence because she knew that now she was loved by one who would not fail her. " -From a book on St. Margaret of Cortona

Day 4: Retreat Jitters

As I predicted, I got an email from Sister a few days later, letting me know that there had been some cancellations and that I would be able to come on the retreat. So of course, I said 'yes' because I knew it was just something I needed to do. The retreat would be the weekend of September 14-16. As it got closer and closer, I was actually getting kind of excited about it! This came as a surprise, but nonetheless, I accepted it willingly.

Then came the week before...

Then the day before...

Then the day of...

Wow, I did not want to go on this retreat. There was not an ounce of me that wanted to go. Maybe deep down there was on ounce buried somewhere, but I was actually repulsed by the idea. In reality, I was terrified, but it manifested itself in repulsion. I contemplated running away, locking myself in my room, becoming 'too sick' to go (I actually did have a bad cold coming on), but I knew that this was the spiritual attack that is almost guaranteed in these situations and that fear is not of the Lord. Also, the Lord being who He is, knew that I would need a little extra reason to go, and I was asked to give another girl from Franciscan a ride to the retreat. So I had to go now, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I was going whether I liked it or not.

We arrived at the Motherhouse, and it was GORGEOUS. Not what I was anticipating at all, but I was still feeling like I was about to throw up because of my anxiety. And there were nuns. Real nuns. Full habit nuns. Everywhere. I was freaking out inside a little. During the tour I pretty much just stayed to the back of the line and didn't say much to anyone. Thankfully, I was beginning to ease up though and was now able to breathe at a normal pace. We had Holy Hour which couldn't have came at a more perfect time. I was able to mostly calm myself down and talk myself out of my nerves. Everyone here seems so nice and sweet. The sisters don't seem scary at all....but still if I do something wrong I'll probably get in trouble or get yelled at.... (PTSD apparently...). Still wasn't convinced that nuns weren't scary.

The Lord, again being the Lord, always gives us exactly what we need, right when we need it. As I mentioned earlier, I had been coming down with a cold. At this point, my nose was so stuffy, I was exhausted, I was coughing, and I was feeling really lousy. I know now that He gave me that cold for a reason, because it really allowed me to see the maternal side to the sisters. They were making me tea, giving me medicine, they set a box of tissues in my pew, and I was even told I didn't have to get up early the next day if I wasn't feeling up to it. Wow, I would be breaking the schedule and NOT getting in trouble! I was truly touched by how loving they all were in making sure I was well taken care of. I remember going to the chapel later that first night and simply starting off a journal entry saying "I am no longer scared anymore". What a relief that was. I am thankful that I was sick because I don't know what else would have gotten me over my fears.

I'll give a breakdown of the rest of the retreat weekend later, but for now I want to recap some things that I learned:

1. Fear is not of the Lord. Just because something is scary, doesn't mean you're not supposed to do it. If I had interpreted my fear of going on the retreat as a sign that I shouldn't go, then who knows if I would have ever gone down this beautiful path? 
2. The Lord knows exactly what we need. It was so obvious that He was taking care of me and knew exactly what I needed to move me down the path He had laid for my life. It is not always so clear or easy to see His workings, so it was a nice reminder that He is there and is in control. A good time of consolation to look back on.
3. Spiritual motherhood: I was really able to see firsthand what this meant when I was sick. The sisters all lovingly cared for me as if I were their own daughter, and it was an incredible, beautiful thing. It couldn't have been more comforting. 
4. And of course, nuns aren't scary! In fact, they are quite awesome :) 

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—says the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope."- Jeremiah 29:11

Day 1: Introductions

I have been really feeling called to share my vocational discernment with my friends/family, and maybe even one day with others if it would be helpful to them. Right now I would like to keep it limited to those I have invited to read it because of the fears and insecurities I may still have, but hopefully the Lord will dispel those and grant me to conviction to share with anyone and everyone who wants to read my story.

The reason I am going to share this story and any future revelations on this topic is because the world needs to know how awesome God is, and I can't really contain it to myself. He has taken me on a whirlwind roller-coaster, and part of me needs to just process everything that He has been doing. I also hope that I can one day help other young women who may be discerning religious life, and hope that they can benefit from my experiences and insights. So please, if you have someone in mind, I'd be glad to add them to the reading list. Really, everyone has a vocation, so this blog is for all of us who are trying to figure out their place in this world. I just happen to be writing from the perspective of discerning religious life. Another reason: prayer. I need a lot of it. Please keep me in your prayers as I undergo this process and know that I will be praying for you as well.

But for now, I'll give you a little spoiler to where I am currently in my discernment, and then tomorrow I will start telling the story. Don't worry, there is not a huge ending yet, but that is part of what this blog is for: to document the journey. So today, I feel less afraid, more convicted, but still uncertain. I know the Lord is pursuing my heart and drawing me towards religious life, but as always, I have my doubts and my fears. Fears that I am making it all up, that I am interpreting things wrong, but this is when my faith and trust are tested, so I am holding fast to the truths that I know and continuing to wait on Him.

"Yet there too you shall seek the LORD, your God; and you shall indeed find him when you search after him with your whole heart and your whole soul." Deuteronomy 4:29 

Also, I plan to post daily so check back for more :)