Day 4: Retreat Jitters

As I predicted, I got an email from Sister a few days later, letting me know that there had been some cancellations and that I would be able to come on the retreat. So of course, I said 'yes' because I knew it was just something I needed to do. The retreat would be the weekend of September 14-16. As it got closer and closer, I was actually getting kind of excited about it! This came as a surprise, but nonetheless, I accepted it willingly.

Then came the week before...

Then the day before...

Then the day of...

Wow, I did not want to go on this retreat. There was not an ounce of me that wanted to go. Maybe deep down there was on ounce buried somewhere, but I was actually repulsed by the idea. In reality, I was terrified, but it manifested itself in repulsion. I contemplated running away, locking myself in my room, becoming 'too sick' to go (I actually did have a bad cold coming on), but I knew that this was the spiritual attack that is almost guaranteed in these situations and that fear is not of the Lord. Also, the Lord being who He is, knew that I would need a little extra reason to go, and I was asked to give another girl from Franciscan a ride to the retreat. So I had to go now, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I was going whether I liked it or not.

We arrived at the Motherhouse, and it was GORGEOUS. Not what I was anticipating at all, but I was still feeling like I was about to throw up because of my anxiety. And there were nuns. Real nuns. Full habit nuns. Everywhere. I was freaking out inside a little. During the tour I pretty much just stayed to the back of the line and didn't say much to anyone. Thankfully, I was beginning to ease up though and was now able to breathe at a normal pace. We had Holy Hour which couldn't have came at a more perfect time. I was able to mostly calm myself down and talk myself out of my nerves. Everyone here seems so nice and sweet. The sisters don't seem scary at all....but still if I do something wrong I'll probably get in trouble or get yelled at.... (PTSD apparently...). Still wasn't convinced that nuns weren't scary.

The Lord, again being the Lord, always gives us exactly what we need, right when we need it. As I mentioned earlier, I had been coming down with a cold. At this point, my nose was so stuffy, I was exhausted, I was coughing, and I was feeling really lousy. I know now that He gave me that cold for a reason, because it really allowed me to see the maternal side to the sisters. They were making me tea, giving me medicine, they set a box of tissues in my pew, and I was even told I didn't have to get up early the next day if I wasn't feeling up to it. Wow, I would be breaking the schedule and NOT getting in trouble! I was truly touched by how loving they all were in making sure I was well taken care of. I remember going to the chapel later that first night and simply starting off a journal entry saying "I am no longer scared anymore". What a relief that was. I am thankful that I was sick because I don't know what else would have gotten me over my fears.

I'll give a breakdown of the rest of the retreat weekend later, but for now I want to recap some things that I learned:

1. Fear is not of the Lord. Just because something is scary, doesn't mean you're not supposed to do it. If I had interpreted my fear of going on the retreat as a sign that I shouldn't go, then who knows if I would have ever gone down this beautiful path? 
2. The Lord knows exactly what we need. It was so obvious that He was taking care of me and knew exactly what I needed to move me down the path He had laid for my life. It is not always so clear or easy to see His workings, so it was a nice reminder that He is there and is in control. A good time of consolation to look back on.
3. Spiritual motherhood: I was really able to see firsthand what this meant when I was sick. The sisters all lovingly cared for me as if I were their own daughter, and it was an incredible, beautiful thing. It couldn't have been more comforting. 
4. And of course, nuns aren't scary! In fact, they are quite awesome :) 

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—says the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope."- Jeremiah 29:11