10: Adjustments

I went into the summer with this freedom. I moved home in the beginning of May and started my new job working for the Capuchin Friars, which has been AWESOME. We can talk more about their impact on  my discernment later. But moving home was not without it's difficulties. It took some time for me to adjust to living back with my family even though I loved being there with everyone, but I was thrown out of my normal routine and environment into another, where I had to learn to balance working full time, spending time with my family, helping around the house, having 'introvert time', and prayer. I had way less access to the frequency of the Sacraments that are available at Franciscan, so I was also adjusting to less Adoration and Mass time and without my normal support group. This transition brought up a lot of things in me that I thought I had dealt with, and set me on a path that the Lord really used to bring about healing and self-discovery. My all too familiar body image demons were knocking on my door again and because I wasn't building myself up defensively, they began to creep in. So I started running... a lot (Keep in mind that I have never run before this time in my life), and it was wearing me down physically. But at the same time, I was learning discipline, getting over my laziness, and also having an outlet to burn out my stress.

It wasn't until I started going to daily mass again that I really got myself together. About mid July, I was in Adoration and trying to figure out where my passion for the Lord had gone. I was at a loss, and couldn't seem to find the answer. All I knew was that it felt like the little flame inside me had gone out. I clearly heard Him speak to my heart: "Then come receive Me". DUH. I couldn't expect to have the passion without the intimacy of receiving Him daily in the Eucharist. I have to get up at 5:30 every day to make it there, but I have drastically noticed a difference in my prayer, my emotions, my mental status, everything. He also started journeying me back toward religious life during this time. The beginning of the summer I had been rather boy crazy, but looking back on it, I was not truly myself and was not rooted in Christ. Once I started receiving Him more, He slowly drew me back into His love and His presence. I think having that as the start to my day has enabled me to refocus my prayer and get me back on track. Everything else just seemed to fall into place after that.

During this time, the Lord also started revealing my heart to me. I was sent on a beautiful journey of self-discovery, learning what I truly desired in life. Between the discipline of running and the daily reception of the Eucharist, I overcame a lot of my struggles. Running was no longer distorted, and it became more of a spiritual exercise, running the race of the faith and 'running out the demons' as I have affectionately liked to call it :) I now run because it helps me to overcome physical laziness, which it turn builds my spiritual endurance. On days where I feel too tired or too weak to run, or just plain "don't feel like it", I will try to run anyways just to overcome that obstacle and ask the Lord to run with me in my struggle of conquering my flesh.

Receiving the Eucharist everyday has obviously added tremendously to this time of purification by giving me the spiritual sustenance I need to keep going, and also being a daily reminder of Who I live for and where my identity is to be found. Now you may be confused on what this has to do with discernment, but it is pretty crucial. It is only when we truly know the desires of our hearts, and become more fully ourselves, that we can discern what God wants from us, and what we feel our heart is calling us to do.

In all of this, I realized something that has been pivotal in my spiritual journey. For too long, I had been living in the shadow of my past: it would kind of hover over  me like a dark cloud, reminding me of where I used to be and restricting me from really letting go of it. I know deep down that I want to live a holy life, that really all I want is Jesus, but the rebellion in me would hold me back. You don't really want that. Just think of all you would have to give up? While maybe consciously, these thoughts were not affecting my actions, but they were definitely restricting my heart to be free to live and breathe God's will. Once I realized this, I was able to pray and claim that I am a new creation, that He has made me new, and really start living that way. I can't say that this is easy, sometimes it is hard, but I have felt so much more free to be myself and to truly become who God created me to be. I'm shaking off the chains that have been broken, yes, but that were still weighing me down. A wise priest, Fr. Gregory, told me about how the Lord's wounds got Him to His glory, how they were still present after the resurrection, but that they didn't hurt Him anymore. Wow. Just the same for all of us, our wounds help us to achieve sanctification, but once He makes us new, they should not hurt anymore. They shouldn't affect us. They are simply a reminder of how far the Lord has brought us, and how much grace, mercy, and healing has taken place in our lives. So for now, I am continually claiming that I am made new, and walking in that grace.

To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human can ever fight and never stop fighting.
- e. e. cummings