7: The Spiral Staircase

The months following my first discernment retreat last September would be best described as a spiral staircase. Religious life was on one side, and married life on the other. I would spiral back and forth between them, all the while coming closer and closer to the end of the staircase, which contains the true desires of my heart. What was at the end of the staircase remained a mystery.

There were times when all I wanted to do was get married, and there were times when all I wanted was to live a life solely and completely for Jesus. Many of these moments though were based off my present mood or emotions, so I can't really use them as solid grounds for discernment. I can however, look at the desires behind them and see how they would be fulfilled through each of these vocations. 

During this time, I was supposed to be entering my second semester of graduate school in January 2013, but I was not a rest with this decision. My vocation as a student at that time was not fulfilling me in the way I felt it should be if I were following the Lord's will. At the end of the day, I felt that I was doing nothing for His Kingdom, and that I was just living each day for no real purpose. I could feel the tug on my heart that I was called to be doing something more. I needed to do something more. I also did not want to keep taking out loans if I wasn't really feeling like I was supposed to be in grad school at that moment. I enjoyed my classes to a certain extent, and was doing very well in them, but that did not necessarily mean I was supposed to continue on.

I decided to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit and take a semester off from school and see where that would lead me. Maybe I would decide I really wanted to be in school, maybe I would get a job, but I just needed a break. I stayed in the Steubenville area because I was still involved in some various ministries and needed to frequent the Sacraments while I was in this time of discernment. I felt very drawn to doing ministry work in the downtown Steubenville area, so I applied for the spring break mission trip and got accepted even though I would not be a student at that time. It turned out that this was the largest Steubenville mission team that the university has had. As the month of March approached, our team prepared for mission. Since I was not taking classes, I had a lot of extra free time to devote to preparation and assisting the team leaders, so I really fell in love with the city of Steubenville and it's people. The week of the mission trip was truly blessed and wonderful in so many ways. Since the TOR sisters do a lot of work in Steubenville, we got to spend a lot of time with them during the week. They run a thrift store/ food pantry called Samaritan House, and I was able to volunteer there a couple times, which was helpful in my discernment to see one of the ministries that they do. I was able to see how real the sisters are and spend time and talk with them individually and hear their stories. One sister in particular was very helpful in talking with me about my discernment. Something she said that has stuck with me is this: If it has been going on for a while, it is probably not you making it up. At this point, the concept of religious life had been popping in and out of my radar for about 9 months, so I would say that is pretty significant. Still not enough though for me to be sure!

One day of the mission, a handful of us were given the opportunity to go to the TOR Motherhouse and assist the sisters with various projects. Of course, I was the first one to sign up to be in that group. Going to the Motherhouse again definitely made me feel a faint tug, hear a slight whisper... but I quickly pushed that aside. It was however a lot of fun and I always enjoyed the peaceful, joyful way of the sisters. Being there again that day changed something in me though. Previously, I was not sure if I would be able to be in a convent for longer than a weekend, so the thought of living there for the rest of my life was quite daunting. Spending the day there made me realize that I actually enjoyed being there and I shouldn't be scared of it. I decided to talk to the vocation director about doing a come-and-see week. This is different than a discernment retreat because you go and live the sisters' lifestyle for a week to see if it is a good fit for you. I decided I was ready to take that next step.

Explore your mind, discover yourself, then give the best that is in you to your age and to your world. There are heroic possibilities waiting to be discovered in every person.

- Wilfred Peterson