Day 5: Retreat High

{September 2012}

The Discernment Retreat started off rocky, but ended up being incredibly beautiful. I learned a TON about religious life, what it meant to live in community, the formation process, and then specifically about the Franciscan TOR charisms. Honestly, I felt like someone had taken my spirituality and lifestyle and turned it into a religious order... it was really kind of creepy. I also loved how the women prayed there: Liturgy of the hours, Adoration, Mass, Divine Mercy Chaplet, all on a daily basis. The Divine Mercy devotion is especially something that has always been close to my heart, so I of course fell in love with their chapel: Father of Mercy chapel. It has a beautiful crucifix with Mary at the foot of the cross looking up at Jesus who is looking down at her, and the blood and water from His pierced side is depicted coming down to the tabernacle below. I just felt so at home there, and so peaceful. Previously, I had been having some bouts of insomnia, but this weekend I slept like a rock. I still wasn't too sure what the Lord's plan was in all of this, but I could definitely tell He was doing radical things. I knew one thing though: I desperately wanted to be romanced by the Lord. I remember sitting in the chapel on Saturday night after everyone was in bed (9pm) and telling the Lord over and over that I would do this for Him if He wanted me to. I was just sitting there, waiting for Him to ask, and He wasn't asking. Lord, why aren't you asking me to do this? What seemed like such a good thing, such a holy endeavor, just maybe wasn't in the Lord's plan for me at that time.

I am the type of person who like things to be dramatic. I don't do well with little whispers or subtle clues. I need to be hit in the head with a brick. And He wasn't hitting. He was whispering. I was pretty upset that He hadn't asked me, but I just had a feeling inside that said I want you to wait. I was hoping for either a solid yes or no, but He just wanted me to wait for His response. This was hard for me to swallow, and I hoped that I would be able to handle the unknown and the confusion. I always like to be in control of my life, of my future, and the Lord was stretching me, asking me to give the control over to Him and let him lead our dance.

So where did this bring me now? I left the retreat feeling overwhelmed with love and joy, yet completely confused. I had a new appreciation and understanding of religious life, wasn't afraid of it anymore, maybe even wanted to do it, but wasn't sure what He was asking of me. And of course, I was afraid of making the wrong decision and had my doubts. But I decided to keep praying and waiting to see where the Lord would lead me in this process of discernment. I would keep my heart open and continue to seek His will.


In retrospect:

1. Peace is of the Lord. It is definitely a good sign that I felt so peaceful there. That shows that I was doing the Lord's will at that time, and He was actively moving in me.
2. Not yes doesn't mean no. The Lord may not have asked me to give my all at that moment, but that doesn't mean He will never ask me. He knows my heart more than I do, and I just needed more time to work through my fears and my insecurities. I needed more time to discern and fully understand the desires of my heart. I wasn't ready for a definitive answer, even though I thought I was. And who knows, He still might never ask me. But that is still to be discerned! And also, what kind of story would this be if I gave away the ending now? :)

"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." -Don Bosco

{I recently just went on another discernment retreat so I will post as soon as I am done with this back story!}