9: Summer: marriage vs. religious life

Summer 2013

At this point in my discernment, I felt like I did all I could do. I gave the Lord as much as I had in me. I was still unsure as to what my vocation would be, but I felt at peace that I had gave it my best effort and at least considered all of my options. I really was at a place of contentment with whatever the Lord's will would be. I knew that either way, religious or married life, I would be happy. This is a very good place to be during discernment, because it is not good to be attached to any single vocation, so to allow the Lord to work however He pleases.

Getting to this point was not easy. For a while, I was extremely attached to married life: being afraid of what religious life would bring, what I would have to give up, etc. Then after I started really looking at religious life, I became extremely attached to that idea. I wondered how the Lord would ever not want me to be a religious? How could He not want me all for Himself? I was looking at marriage as a lesser vocation because I was swinging to the other extreme of the pendulum. I thought the only way I could truly be holy was to become a sister, and I couldn't understand why God wouldn't want everyone to live those vows. Obviously, I had skewed perceptions of each vocation, and it took some time and further questioning to come to a point where I could see the value and sanctification of each vocation. Here is my analysis:

Married life: This is a beautiful and extremely sanctifying vocation. It is a daily laying down of your life for another and a constant giving of your entire self. Especially if children enter the picture, you are constantly there to give to and serve your family. You are also responsible for their souls and helping them enter heaven! You get the opportunity to create life and raise your children to become saints :) Marriage is hard, requires a lot of work, but it has so many beautiful rewards. The Church needs holy and married saints, and the family life needs to be preserved and fought for.  

Religious life: Again, a beautiful and sanctifying vocation. It is not a sacrament, but rather a living out of what we will all be living in heaven. Living poverty, chastity and obedience would be difficult, but also very rewarding and the Lord will give you the grace. There may be times where it is really difficult. You get plenty of prayer time and opportunities to serve His people. While it may be hard not to have a family, you will have more time to dedicate to prayer and have the opportunity to be a Spiritual Mother and care for the souls of all of God's children.  

So there you have it. This is the place of contentment I had come to. I came to a better understanding of what was expected in each vocation (not completely because I can't really know without experiencing it), but it brought me to a place of freedom to allow the Lord to do with me as He willed.

<>If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their truth, understanding what is certain in them.- St. John of the Cross

Day 5: Retreat High

{September 2012}

The Discernment Retreat started off rocky, but ended up being incredibly beautiful. I learned a TON about religious life, what it meant to live in community, the formation process, and then specifically about the Franciscan TOR charisms. Honestly, I felt like someone had taken my spirituality and lifestyle and turned it into a religious order... it was really kind of creepy. I also loved how the women prayed there: Liturgy of the hours, Adoration, Mass, Divine Mercy Chaplet, all on a daily basis. The Divine Mercy devotion is especially something that has always been close to my heart, so I of course fell in love with their chapel: Father of Mercy chapel. It has a beautiful crucifix with Mary at the foot of the cross looking up at Jesus who is looking down at her, and the blood and water from His pierced side is depicted coming down to the tabernacle below. I just felt so at home there, and so peaceful. Previously, I had been having some bouts of insomnia, but this weekend I slept like a rock. I still wasn't too sure what the Lord's plan was in all of this, but I could definitely tell He was doing radical things. I knew one thing though: I desperately wanted to be romanced by the Lord. I remember sitting in the chapel on Saturday night after everyone was in bed (9pm) and telling the Lord over and over that I would do this for Him if He wanted me to. I was just sitting there, waiting for Him to ask, and He wasn't asking. Lord, why aren't you asking me to do this? What seemed like such a good thing, such a holy endeavor, just maybe wasn't in the Lord's plan for me at that time.

I am the type of person who like things to be dramatic. I don't do well with little whispers or subtle clues. I need to be hit in the head with a brick. And He wasn't hitting. He was whispering. I was pretty upset that He hadn't asked me, but I just had a feeling inside that said I want you to wait. I was hoping for either a solid yes or no, but He just wanted me to wait for His response. This was hard for me to swallow, and I hoped that I would be able to handle the unknown and the confusion. I always like to be in control of my life, of my future, and the Lord was stretching me, asking me to give the control over to Him and let him lead our dance.

So where did this bring me now? I left the retreat feeling overwhelmed with love and joy, yet completely confused. I had a new appreciation and understanding of religious life, wasn't afraid of it anymore, maybe even wanted to do it, but wasn't sure what He was asking of me. And of course, I was afraid of making the wrong decision and had my doubts. But I decided to keep praying and waiting to see where the Lord would lead me in this process of discernment. I would keep my heart open and continue to seek His will.


In retrospect:

1. Peace is of the Lord. It is definitely a good sign that I felt so peaceful there. That shows that I was doing the Lord's will at that time, and He was actively moving in me.
2. Not yes doesn't mean no. The Lord may not have asked me to give my all at that moment, but that doesn't mean He will never ask me. He knows my heart more than I do, and I just needed more time to work through my fears and my insecurities. I needed more time to discern and fully understand the desires of my heart. I wasn't ready for a definitive answer, even though I thought I was. And who knows, He still might never ask me. But that is still to be discerned! And also, what kind of story would this be if I gave away the ending now? :)

"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." -Don Bosco

{I recently just went on another discernment retreat so I will post as soon as I am done with this back story!}

Day 2: The Beginning

It is hard to say when religious life really came on my radar. I guess there was a small glimpse of it during my semester in Austria in Fall 2009, when I was really trying to be a saint and thought that I HAD to be a nun to be a saint (false, skewed perception of religious life). But once I realized that wasn't the case, I was extremely relieved. All my life, I have wanted to be married, wanted tons of children, and thought nuns were terrifying. Not only did I never ever in a million years think I could be a nun, but the sight of a one sent me into a panic (I guess those stories of scary school teacher nuns really traumatized me). My mom would even occasionally joke with me that I would be a nun, and I would always get extremely offended and tell her that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. Needless to say, the idea of being a nun was never a possibility.

Or so I thought.

This story really begins last summer, after I graduated college and right before I was set to start Graduate School for my Masters in Counseling, both at FUS. I was living in Steubenville because I was working there and had already moved into the house where I would be living for that next year. I just have to say, spending summer with your best friends is awesome, but this summer was difficult for me emotionally. I think people naturally want to have a summer fling, and when you're in the Ville, where everything seems to be so much more emotionally charged, this can be very difficult to handle. I had been working on emotional chastity for some time and really felt that I was being tested in this regard through a couple different situations. It seemed that the ache in my heart for someone was much more noticeable.

Also this summer, I was just working, not taking classes, and therefore had so much more time to pray. Sacraments are so easily accessible in Steubenville, so I was constantly filling my days with Mass and Adoration. I knew the Lord was stirring something within me by showing me this longing I felt inside to be wanted, and I didn't want to mess up by filling the hole with worldly things, so I more or less told the Lord that He would have to pursue me. He would need to be enough for me. He would have to actively show me that He wanted me.

It was amazing all the things that started happening once I asked Him to pursue me. Jesus obviously wants to pursue all of our hearts, and is bursting waiting for us to ask Him. There were so many little things, like the warmth of the sun, seeing my favorite flowers everywhere, having strangers do nice things for me, that I just knew it was Him. And He was flooding my heart with an awareness of His love for me, and more than that, my love for Him. It truly was incredible how much I was falling in love.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit. "No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock. Open to Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…"

- Mother Teresa's I Thirst for You prayer

continued tomorrow :)