12. Real talk time

Well now that I have you pretty much up to speed, I figure I can start doing the real talk of discernment. The day-to-day, down to earth, in my head business.

Honestly, it has been kind of rough. Not in the sense that I don't want to do this or anything, but I am just going through a lot. Naturally. Ever since the retreat, I have been having huge amounts of anxiety, to the point where I had to come home early from work one day because I was so dizzy and weak. I have never experienced such intense anxiety before in my life. Sure, I am probably a more anxious person than others, and I definitely have had anxiety attacks, but never have I had this 24/7 constant 'buzz', for lack of better terms. It really makes me think back to what I read in my devotional on retreat, about how sometimes I feel 'off balance' and need to rely on His strength, not giving up. I think that has taken on a whole new meaning for me since then. I need to persevere through this time of trial and rely on Him to pull me through! I have been trying to discern the cause of the anxiety though. I still have joy and a type of spiritual peace about my decision, so I am pretty confident that it is not a 'sign' that I am on the wrong path, but I think it is either spiritual attack or just psychological overload from being in transition/ taking a huge step in life! I think I tend to downplay how significant this is, how HUGE it is. I mean, I decided to apply. As in this could actually happen for real. I'm not just thinking about it anymore, I am doing something about it. The devil's probably not too happy with that decision! He knows he is fighting a losing battle, and could quite possibly just be trying to scare me out of it. Sorry man, not going to work. My heart is sold.

At any rate, I have been fighting through it. I had my first interview a couple days ago (!!!) and it went really well! This first one was basically questions about my past, my family, relationships, you name it, it was probably on there. It was actually not as scary or long as I had anticipated it would be. It was actually very refreshing and freeing to talk about everything in my past in a 'formal' setting, and just be able to state the facts of my life without making a big fuss about it. Getting everything out in the open also helps to keep things out of darkness and expose any lies that the devil is trying to hide in my past. I also don't really mind talking about my past, because I know that is not who I am anymore. I am a new creation in Christ, and nothing is going to change that.

I have my second interview scheduled for the 11th. This one I think is more questions about how my spirituality fits with that of the community's. I am currently reading up on the 'Constitutions' to better prepare and pray through them.

I am also trying to read "Unbound" by Neal Lozano, because it deals a lot with renouncing your personal 'demons': fears, insecurities, etc. I am trying to work through all of this and see if it helps my anxiety. Either way, it can only better prepare me and help me to really detach and move on from my past and get rid of anything that could be holding me back from Jesus.

It has been really hard to stay focused through this time of trial. Far too often, I get too wrapped up in my anxiety and trying to make it go away instead of focusing on the reason for all of this. Why am I doing this in the first place? Because I love Jesus. A lot. That is what it boils down to, and that is Who I need to keep my eyes fixed upon, and Who I need to be running to in all of this. Praying that I can remain focused on the path toward Him and not get distracted by the storms of life!

8: Come and See

April, 2013 

It was around mid-April that I had set aside a week to spend at the TOR Sister's Motherhouse, living their day-to-day lifestyle. I was both nervous and excited for this trip: nervous that I wouldn't last the week yet conversely excited to go back to such a peaceful, joyful place. (I know, I was a confused soul! But the Lord takes us as we are!)

I arrived on a Saturday and stayed til that Thursday evening. The week was spent getting up at 5am, praying, doing various ministries, praying some more, and having some fun, and being in bed by 9:30. I struggled of course in the wee hours of the morning during Holy Hours, when I would be so comfortable in the Lord's presence that I had to remind myself that I was indeed not in my bed so I had to remain awake! It would take time for anyone to adjust to that schedule. The sisters do most of their daily work/chores in silence, which was not a problem for me because I actually prefer that (I'm an introvert...what can I say?), but they did allow me to ask them questions and chat a little because I was on a come-and-see to learn more about them. This was very nice to get to know a few more of the sisters individually. I got to clean the chapel one day which was actually a very prayerful experience. I got to clean the Lord's house for Him. I also went to a nursing home one day, which is always a difficult ministry for me and something that will definitely be a challenge should I enter this community. But the Lord is always calling us to grow and stretch our selves!

Another day was spent at the Samaritan house downtown where I did work on mission. This was a great joy because I have always loved the store and being with the people there. Wednesdays are 'hermitage days' for the sisters, so that means they have a lot of free time dedicated to prayer and silence. I read some books and enjoyed the grounds. I also helped one of the sisters prepare their retreat house for a retreat they were to be hosting that upcoming weekend for women who have had abortions. This was a profound experience for me because, after learning a lot about the retreat and being so moved by what was to take place there, I was able to pray for those women that would be present and walking the floors I was cleaning. I was truly humbled to be able to prepare a place to provide them with healing and comfort.

The last evening I was at the Motherhouse, one of the sisters and I planted seeds in their garden (seems appropriately spiritual...). I remember planting a whole slew of sunflower seeds, even though we were not sure if they would grow or not. For those of you who don't know, I LOVE sunflowers. Jesus has told me that He sees me as His sunflower because no matter the soil, no matter the circumstances, I always turn to face the Him, just as a sunflower always faces the sun. Pretty powerful imagery, and definitely hard to live up to sometimes!

So what did I experience this week?

• Peace. It was almost uncanny how peaceful it is there. I have never experienced anything like that. But I think it is impossible for anyone to go there and not feel peace!
• Joy. Being with the sisters was truly a joyful experience. They are probably the most joyful women I know, and their joy is contagious. 
• Sacrifice: Through the sisters' fasting and penance, I got to experience the beauty of suffering for the sake of His kingdom. Not suffering in a dark way, but suffering in the way of love and for Love.
• Poverty: The sisters do without so many things that I would never have even thought of, but it was extremely liberating to be rid of those worries and worldly things. 

Day 5: Retreat High

{September 2012}

The Discernment Retreat started off rocky, but ended up being incredibly beautiful. I learned a TON about religious life, what it meant to live in community, the formation process, and then specifically about the Franciscan TOR charisms. Honestly, I felt like someone had taken my spirituality and lifestyle and turned it into a religious order... it was really kind of creepy. I also loved how the women prayed there: Liturgy of the hours, Adoration, Mass, Divine Mercy Chaplet, all on a daily basis. The Divine Mercy devotion is especially something that has always been close to my heart, so I of course fell in love with their chapel: Father of Mercy chapel. It has a beautiful crucifix with Mary at the foot of the cross looking up at Jesus who is looking down at her, and the blood and water from His pierced side is depicted coming down to the tabernacle below. I just felt so at home there, and so peaceful. Previously, I had been having some bouts of insomnia, but this weekend I slept like a rock. I still wasn't too sure what the Lord's plan was in all of this, but I could definitely tell He was doing radical things. I knew one thing though: I desperately wanted to be romanced by the Lord. I remember sitting in the chapel on Saturday night after everyone was in bed (9pm) and telling the Lord over and over that I would do this for Him if He wanted me to. I was just sitting there, waiting for Him to ask, and He wasn't asking. Lord, why aren't you asking me to do this? What seemed like such a good thing, such a holy endeavor, just maybe wasn't in the Lord's plan for me at that time.

I am the type of person who like things to be dramatic. I don't do well with little whispers or subtle clues. I need to be hit in the head with a brick. And He wasn't hitting. He was whispering. I was pretty upset that He hadn't asked me, but I just had a feeling inside that said I want you to wait. I was hoping for either a solid yes or no, but He just wanted me to wait for His response. This was hard for me to swallow, and I hoped that I would be able to handle the unknown and the confusion. I always like to be in control of my life, of my future, and the Lord was stretching me, asking me to give the control over to Him and let him lead our dance.

So where did this bring me now? I left the retreat feeling overwhelmed with love and joy, yet completely confused. I had a new appreciation and understanding of religious life, wasn't afraid of it anymore, maybe even wanted to do it, but wasn't sure what He was asking of me. And of course, I was afraid of making the wrong decision and had my doubts. But I decided to keep praying and waiting to see where the Lord would lead me in this process of discernment. I would keep my heart open and continue to seek His will.


In retrospect:

1. Peace is of the Lord. It is definitely a good sign that I felt so peaceful there. That shows that I was doing the Lord's will at that time, and He was actively moving in me.
2. Not yes doesn't mean no. The Lord may not have asked me to give my all at that moment, but that doesn't mean He will never ask me. He knows my heart more than I do, and I just needed more time to work through my fears and my insecurities. I needed more time to discern and fully understand the desires of my heart. I wasn't ready for a definitive answer, even though I thought I was. And who knows, He still might never ask me. But that is still to be discerned! And also, what kind of story would this be if I gave away the ending now? :)

"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." -Don Bosco

{I recently just went on another discernment retreat so I will post as soon as I am done with this back story!}