12. Real talk time

Well now that I have you pretty much up to speed, I figure I can start doing the real talk of discernment. The day-to-day, down to earth, in my head business.

Honestly, it has been kind of rough. Not in the sense that I don't want to do this or anything, but I am just going through a lot. Naturally. Ever since the retreat, I have been having huge amounts of anxiety, to the point where I had to come home early from work one day because I was so dizzy and weak. I have never experienced such intense anxiety before in my life. Sure, I am probably a more anxious person than others, and I definitely have had anxiety attacks, but never have I had this 24/7 constant 'buzz', for lack of better terms. It really makes me think back to what I read in my devotional on retreat, about how sometimes I feel 'off balance' and need to rely on His strength, not giving up. I think that has taken on a whole new meaning for me since then. I need to persevere through this time of trial and rely on Him to pull me through! I have been trying to discern the cause of the anxiety though. I still have joy and a type of spiritual peace about my decision, so I am pretty confident that it is not a 'sign' that I am on the wrong path, but I think it is either spiritual attack or just psychological overload from being in transition/ taking a huge step in life! I think I tend to downplay how significant this is, how HUGE it is. I mean, I decided to apply. As in this could actually happen for real. I'm not just thinking about it anymore, I am doing something about it. The devil's probably not too happy with that decision! He knows he is fighting a losing battle, and could quite possibly just be trying to scare me out of it. Sorry man, not going to work. My heart is sold.

At any rate, I have been fighting through it. I had my first interview a couple days ago (!!!) and it went really well! This first one was basically questions about my past, my family, relationships, you name it, it was probably on there. It was actually not as scary or long as I had anticipated it would be. It was actually very refreshing and freeing to talk about everything in my past in a 'formal' setting, and just be able to state the facts of my life without making a big fuss about it. Getting everything out in the open also helps to keep things out of darkness and expose any lies that the devil is trying to hide in my past. I also don't really mind talking about my past, because I know that is not who I am anymore. I am a new creation in Christ, and nothing is going to change that.

I have my second interview scheduled for the 11th. This one I think is more questions about how my spirituality fits with that of the community's. I am currently reading up on the 'Constitutions' to better prepare and pray through them.

I am also trying to read "Unbound" by Neal Lozano, because it deals a lot with renouncing your personal 'demons': fears, insecurities, etc. I am trying to work through all of this and see if it helps my anxiety. Either way, it can only better prepare me and help me to really detach and move on from my past and get rid of anything that could be holding me back from Jesus.

It has been really hard to stay focused through this time of trial. Far too often, I get too wrapped up in my anxiety and trying to make it go away instead of focusing on the reason for all of this. Why am I doing this in the first place? Because I love Jesus. A lot. That is what it boils down to, and that is Who I need to keep my eyes fixed upon, and Who I need to be running to in all of this. Praying that I can remain focused on the path toward Him and not get distracted by the storms of life!