11: Discernment Retreat #2

September 2013

As all of this change of heart/discovery was happening, I decided to yet again pray the same novena I prayed last July to St. Anne for my future husband (basically that I would find him. Immediately.) It is interesting to note that each time after I prayed the novena: 1) I did not find my future spouse, and 2) I for some reason felt a really big tug toward discerning religious life. I think this was no coincidence. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Naturally, I started thinking about the TOR sisters again. I hadn't really thought about it too much since April, when I went and stayed for a week, and so I figured I would email Sr. Della Marie just to see how everyone there was doing. And of course, being the vocation director, she wrote back asking me about my discernment and if I wanted to meet with her sometime to talk. I loved the idea, and we picked a Saturday during a discernment retreat that I could come down just for the evening. I then received another email from Sister telling me that there were some cancellations if I wanted to come for the whole retreat. So next thing you know, I am going on another discernment retreat: the same one that I went on in September a year ago. This time though, I was at a completely different place in my discernment, so my experience was much different as well. I was wondering if it was going to be the exact same retreat, but I was told later that they, at the last minute, decided to change the talks. They all ended up being perfectly what I need to hear. Slowly over the course of the weekend, my conviction built, and the idea of applying became more and more a reality. I always feel so at home there, and my heart was filled with such joy.

The priest who was saying mass on Saturday was also awesome. He started crying during the consecration, which was just so powerful and a true testament to what is actually going on in the mass. It was beautiful. He was staying the afternoon as well to be present to us and hear Confessions if we needed to go. I was thinking about going, but didn't really think I needed to, but just as I am thinking this, Father goes: "A lot of times, women will experience a lot of fears when discerning religious life. If you have a lot of fears, these need to be confessed." ..... well crap. I definitely had to go now! And of course, there was no one in line to go, so I was able to hop right in. It was absolutely a Holy Spirit moment. I was able to speak out a lot of fears and lies, and Father was very helpful in working through these. I started having an anxiety attack because of how much I was bringing to the surface. It was very healing, but I think there is still much to be worked through. (I am still feeling a lot of this anxiety a few weeks later).

Saturday afternoon, I started developing a headache and became dizzy. As the evening progressed, it became more severe and I also became very nauseous and experienced numbness in my hands. I regretfully had to lay down in my room, while the sisters (yet again) cared for me and made sure I was properly medicated. I was joking with the sisters and assuring them that I am not always sick (even though I was sick the first time I came there as well haha). Again though, the Lord used this in a beautiful way: one of the sisters came up to see how I was doing, and we ended up talking for a while which turned out to be an extremely blessed and helpful conversation! I was, however, still feeling discouraged and trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I kid you not, this was my devotional for the next morning:

 Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence. (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young) (Emphasis is mine) 

Ok seriously, what the heck. This was wayyy to perfect for what was going on with me. I literally laughed to myself when I read it. This brought me so much comfort, because it reminded me that Jesus was with me and had control over the situation. It also gave me greater courage to keep fighting through and not giving up. I was earlier tempted to think that maybe it was not the Lord's will for me to be on that retreat (maybe not even to be discerning), but this passage really showed me that I couldn't give up and think that just because I was feeling 'off balance'. It also gave me comfort to know that even if I did choose to give up, that He would not reject me. I was free to make a choice. And I chose Him <3. 

I went to the Reverend Mother and told her that I wanted to apply (she was hoping I was going to say that!), and I talked to Sr. Della Marie about the application process and set up times for my interviews. I needed to be like Peter and step out of the boat, even in the midst of the uncertainty. He was calling to me.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14)

Day 5: Retreat High

{September 2012}

The Discernment Retreat started off rocky, but ended up being incredibly beautiful. I learned a TON about religious life, what it meant to live in community, the formation process, and then specifically about the Franciscan TOR charisms. Honestly, I felt like someone had taken my spirituality and lifestyle and turned it into a religious order... it was really kind of creepy. I also loved how the women prayed there: Liturgy of the hours, Adoration, Mass, Divine Mercy Chaplet, all on a daily basis. The Divine Mercy devotion is especially something that has always been close to my heart, so I of course fell in love with their chapel: Father of Mercy chapel. It has a beautiful crucifix with Mary at the foot of the cross looking up at Jesus who is looking down at her, and the blood and water from His pierced side is depicted coming down to the tabernacle below. I just felt so at home there, and so peaceful. Previously, I had been having some bouts of insomnia, but this weekend I slept like a rock. I still wasn't too sure what the Lord's plan was in all of this, but I could definitely tell He was doing radical things. I knew one thing though: I desperately wanted to be romanced by the Lord. I remember sitting in the chapel on Saturday night after everyone was in bed (9pm) and telling the Lord over and over that I would do this for Him if He wanted me to. I was just sitting there, waiting for Him to ask, and He wasn't asking. Lord, why aren't you asking me to do this? What seemed like such a good thing, such a holy endeavor, just maybe wasn't in the Lord's plan for me at that time.

I am the type of person who like things to be dramatic. I don't do well with little whispers or subtle clues. I need to be hit in the head with a brick. And He wasn't hitting. He was whispering. I was pretty upset that He hadn't asked me, but I just had a feeling inside that said I want you to wait. I was hoping for either a solid yes or no, but He just wanted me to wait for His response. This was hard for me to swallow, and I hoped that I would be able to handle the unknown and the confusion. I always like to be in control of my life, of my future, and the Lord was stretching me, asking me to give the control over to Him and let him lead our dance.

So where did this bring me now? I left the retreat feeling overwhelmed with love and joy, yet completely confused. I had a new appreciation and understanding of religious life, wasn't afraid of it anymore, maybe even wanted to do it, but wasn't sure what He was asking of me. And of course, I was afraid of making the wrong decision and had my doubts. But I decided to keep praying and waiting to see where the Lord would lead me in this process of discernment. I would keep my heart open and continue to seek His will.


In retrospect:

1. Peace is of the Lord. It is definitely a good sign that I felt so peaceful there. That shows that I was doing the Lord's will at that time, and He was actively moving in me.
2. Not yes doesn't mean no. The Lord may not have asked me to give my all at that moment, but that doesn't mean He will never ask me. He knows my heart more than I do, and I just needed more time to work through my fears and my insecurities. I needed more time to discern and fully understand the desires of my heart. I wasn't ready for a definitive answer, even though I thought I was. And who knows, He still might never ask me. But that is still to be discerned! And also, what kind of story would this be if I gave away the ending now? :)

"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." -Don Bosco

{I recently just went on another discernment retreat so I will post as soon as I am done with this back story!}

Day 4: Retreat Jitters

As I predicted, I got an email from Sister a few days later, letting me know that there had been some cancellations and that I would be able to come on the retreat. So of course, I said 'yes' because I knew it was just something I needed to do. The retreat would be the weekend of September 14-16. As it got closer and closer, I was actually getting kind of excited about it! This came as a surprise, but nonetheless, I accepted it willingly.

Then came the week before...

Then the day before...

Then the day of...

Wow, I did not want to go on this retreat. There was not an ounce of me that wanted to go. Maybe deep down there was on ounce buried somewhere, but I was actually repulsed by the idea. In reality, I was terrified, but it manifested itself in repulsion. I contemplated running away, locking myself in my room, becoming 'too sick' to go (I actually did have a bad cold coming on), but I knew that this was the spiritual attack that is almost guaranteed in these situations and that fear is not of the Lord. Also, the Lord being who He is, knew that I would need a little extra reason to go, and I was asked to give another girl from Franciscan a ride to the retreat. So I had to go now, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I was going whether I liked it or not.

We arrived at the Motherhouse, and it was GORGEOUS. Not what I was anticipating at all, but I was still feeling like I was about to throw up because of my anxiety. And there were nuns. Real nuns. Full habit nuns. Everywhere. I was freaking out inside a little. During the tour I pretty much just stayed to the back of the line and didn't say much to anyone. Thankfully, I was beginning to ease up though and was now able to breathe at a normal pace. We had Holy Hour which couldn't have came at a more perfect time. I was able to mostly calm myself down and talk myself out of my nerves. Everyone here seems so nice and sweet. The sisters don't seem scary at all....but still if I do something wrong I'll probably get in trouble or get yelled at.... (PTSD apparently...). Still wasn't convinced that nuns weren't scary.

The Lord, again being the Lord, always gives us exactly what we need, right when we need it. As I mentioned earlier, I had been coming down with a cold. At this point, my nose was so stuffy, I was exhausted, I was coughing, and I was feeling really lousy. I know now that He gave me that cold for a reason, because it really allowed me to see the maternal side to the sisters. They were making me tea, giving me medicine, they set a box of tissues in my pew, and I was even told I didn't have to get up early the next day if I wasn't feeling up to it. Wow, I would be breaking the schedule and NOT getting in trouble! I was truly touched by how loving they all were in making sure I was well taken care of. I remember going to the chapel later that first night and simply starting off a journal entry saying "I am no longer scared anymore". What a relief that was. I am thankful that I was sick because I don't know what else would have gotten me over my fears.

I'll give a breakdown of the rest of the retreat weekend later, but for now I want to recap some things that I learned:

1. Fear is not of the Lord. Just because something is scary, doesn't mean you're not supposed to do it. If I had interpreted my fear of going on the retreat as a sign that I shouldn't go, then who knows if I would have ever gone down this beautiful path? 
2. The Lord knows exactly what we need. It was so obvious that He was taking care of me and knew exactly what I needed to move me down the path He had laid for my life. It is not always so clear or easy to see His workings, so it was a nice reminder that He is there and is in control. A good time of consolation to look back on.
3. Spiritual motherhood: I was really able to see firsthand what this meant when I was sick. The sisters all lovingly cared for me as if I were their own daughter, and it was an incredible, beautiful thing. It couldn't have been more comforting. 
4. And of course, nuns aren't scary! In fact, they are quite awesome :) 

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—says the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope."- Jeremiah 29:11

Day 3: The Phone Call

It was now mid-July, 2013. The Lord was definitely moving in my heart. The idea of religious life gradually crept it's way into my consciousness. I decided I loved Jesus so much, that I wanted to show Him that I would be willing to do anything for Him, even 'check out' religious life. I really had no intention of ever actually discerning it, but I wanted to at least show Jesus that I would give Him everything.

One of my best friends happened to be going on a discernment retreat with the TOR sisters (if you're reading, you know who you are!) in the middle of September and suggested that I consider going with her. At first I was hesitant, but then I figured why not? I was at a different place in my spiritual life, and it would be a good way to practically show the Lord my devotion. I kind of put it off for a while, and eventually forced myself to fill out the vocation inquiry form on the TOR sister's website. Sister Della Marie (whom I now love), the vocation directly, promptly emailed me back the next day and wanted to set up a time to chat. Welllll, me being me, I was reluctant to do this is as well, so I played hard to get for a little, and then I went on vacation to the beach for a week, and then we finally set up a time to talk on the phone.

[At this time too, I had also finished praying a novena to St. Anne for my future husband. This was suggested by praymorenovenas.com and so I decided to pray it and just see what would happen (surprise, surprise, he didn't appear out of thin air). But clearly I was still on the "I'm definitely getting married" train. Also, this novena is significant, so keep it in mind for later.]

So the day arrived when I was supposed to call Sr. Della Marie. I thought I was going to vomit, I was so scared. I called, it rang...and rang....and voicemail! Score! I quickly left a message and then hung out with one of my friends while I was waiting. It didn't take long before Sr. called back, and I took a deep breath and answered the phone to the call that would haunt (in a good way) my thoughts forever.

After answering a few routine questions that Sister asked about how far along I was in my discernment etc., I asked her a question that was probing at my heart. What are some signs or things that people feel when they are called to religious life? And to this day, I could not tell you a word that she said. All I know is that as soon as she started talking, my heart was racing, my breathing was accelerated, and I felt like she had just opened up my soul and was reading it like a book (I learned later from a spiritual director that this was a "Holy Spirit" moment). I sat there stunned, not even knowing how to respond, so I simply said "Ok thanks". I sat there speechless trying to process what had just happened. I was not expecting to react in such a dramatic way. She said the vocation retreat for September was already full, but she would let me know if there was a cancellation, and that was that. But I knew deep down in my heart, that there was no way I was not going on that retreat. I was definitely supposed to be there, and I was going to go.

"the LORD came and stood there, calling out as before: Samuel, Samuel! Samuel answered, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”" -1 Samuel 3:10