As all of this change of heart/discovery was happening, I decided to yet again pray the same novena I prayed last July to St. Anne for my future husband (basically that I would find him. Immediately.) It is interesting to note that each time after I prayed the novena: 1) I did not find my future spouse, and 2) I for some reason felt a really big tug toward discerning religious life. I think this was no coincidence. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.
Naturally, I started thinking about the TOR sisters again. I hadn't really thought about it too much since April, when I went and stayed for a week, and so I figured I would email Sr. Della Marie just to see how everyone there was doing. And of course, being the vocation director, she wrote back asking me about my discernment and if I wanted to meet with her sometime to talk. I loved the idea, and we picked a Saturday during a discernment retreat that I could come down just for the evening. I then received another email from Sister telling me that there were some cancellations if I wanted to come for the whole retreat. So next thing you know, I am going on another discernment retreat: the same one that I went on in September a year ago. This time though, I was at a completely different place in my discernment, so my experience was much different as well. I was wondering if it was going to be the exact same retreat, but I was told later that they, at the last minute, decided to change the talks. They all ended up being perfectly what I need to hear. Slowly over the course of the weekend, my conviction built, and the idea of applying became more and more a reality. I always feel so at home there, and my heart was filled with such joy.
The priest who was saying mass on Saturday was also awesome. He started crying during the consecration, which was just so powerful and a true testament to what is actually going on in the mass. It was beautiful. He was staying the afternoon as well to be present to us and hear Confessions if we needed to go. I was thinking about going, but didn't really think I needed to, but just as I am thinking this, Father goes: "A lot of times, women will experience a lot of fears when discerning religious life. If you have a lot of fears, these need to be confessed." ..... well crap. I definitely had to go now! And of course, there was no one in line to go, so I was able to hop right in. It was absolutely a Holy Spirit moment. I was able to speak out a lot of fears and lies, and Father was very helpful in working through these. I started having an anxiety attack because of how much I was bringing to the surface. It was very healing, but I think there is still much to be worked through. (I am still feeling a lot of this anxiety a few weeks later).
Saturday afternoon, I started developing a headache and became dizzy. As the evening progressed, it became more severe and I also became very nauseous and experienced numbness in my hands. I regretfully had to lay down in my room, while the sisters (yet again) cared for me and made sure I was properly medicated. I was joking with the sisters and assuring them that I am not always sick (even though I was sick the first time I came there as well haha). Again though, the Lord used this in a beautiful way: one of the sisters came up to see how I was doing, and we ended up talking for a while which turned out to be an extremely blessed and helpful conversation! I was, however, still feeling discouraged and trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I kid you not, this was my devotional for the next morning:
Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence. (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young) (Emphasis is mine)
Ok seriously, what the heck. This was wayyy to perfect for what was going on with me. I literally laughed to myself when I read it. This brought me so much comfort, because it reminded me that Jesus was with me and had control over the situation. It also gave me greater courage to keep fighting through and not giving up. I was earlier tempted to think that maybe it was not the Lord's will for me to be on that retreat (maybe not even to be discerning), but this passage really showed me that I couldn't give up and think that just because I was feeling 'off balance'. It also gave me comfort to know that even if I did choose to give up, that He would not reject me. I was free to make a choice. And I chose Him <3.
I went to the Reverend Mother and told her that I wanted to apply (she was hoping I was going to say that!), and I talked to Sr. Della Marie about the application process and set up times for my interviews. I needed to be like Peter and step out of the boat, even in the midst of the uncertainty. He was calling to me.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14)
