The intensity of identity

Well I finally got to talk to Sr. Della Marie yesterday after playing a few rounds of phone tag. As always, it is so good to talk to her. She is just so incredibly wise and comforting! Basically, I learned that what I am feeling is relatively normal. Having feelings for men is just part of our natural instinct as women, and it doesn't every necessarily go away. There are always going to be guys that we are attracted to. That is just how it works. We just have to know ourselves, and know how to have boundaries etc. It is a matter of putting those emotions aside and looking at the reality of each vocation.

While it made me feel better to know that what I am feeling is pretty normal, it still doesn't really help me to know where my heart is without having an actual person to discern with. It is hard for me to really think about how I would like being married without there being a man that I would be committed to for the rest of my life, if that makes sense. I can fantasize all I want about how awesome married life seems, about how adorable babies are, but I can't really know if I can live with someone's weird quirks, annoying habits, or find satisfaction in that vocation unless I know him. I think that is the biggest problem I am having with discerning this. I just feel like I can't really know what is on the "other side". And sometimes the grass isn't greener!

Either way though, saying 'yes' to a vocation is saying 'no' to something. If I say 'yes' to religious life, that means no to having an earthly spouse and physical children. If I say yes to marriage, I am still saying 'no' to every other man out there.

I've learned though that I am a very emotional person. Not in the sense that I am weepy all the time (although I do cry at probably any movie/song that has a hint of emotion...hallmark kills me...), but in the sense that I feel things very deeply, and they tend to cloud my thoughts. I am very passionate, and I think I find my identity in being a deep person. It is what drives me to be a writer, a dancer, an artist, a musician, a photographer. But I think sometimes, it is too much emotion that feeds those outlets. I get better results when I am emotionally charged, and who doesn't like the release of creating something that speaks from your heart?

I have heard two things recently that have really made me think, and helped me to realize how much I find my identity in being 'deep'.
1)  One of my sisters said recently that she wanted to be a writer, but writers never make any money. My other sister responded with "Well you have to be depressed to be a writer!" I initially got really offended by this statement and asked her what the heck she meant by that. That's simply not true!
And while that is definitely not true in many cases (people write beautiful things when happy/ in love/ full of joy), depression and drama and that kind of intensity have been my springboard too much in the past, so that is what I still lean toward as "fuel for my fire".
2) Sally Sparrow: "I love old things. They make me feel sad."
 Kathy Nightingale:" What's good about sad? "
Sally Sparrow: "It's happy for deep people"

My brother quoted that the other day from "Doctor Who", and I noticed that it really hit a chord with me. I could identify with that. The more I thought about it, the more the lies from my past began to be pulled to the surface, and I realized that they were still there, just in a more subtle way. They weren't manifesting themselves as extreme as they have before, so I stopped paying attention to them. I thought they were through. Now they are manifesting themselves in confusion, in lack of trust, in my inability to find the desires of my heart. Lies that "drama and intensity make me feel alive", that I am not allowed to feel joy, that I have to be miserable, that I can't allow myself to listen to my heart because it could be broken... all those old lies still burying my heart and creating noise so I can't hear what it's beats say to me... so I can't hear what God says to me. Lies can be so loud that we can't hear the truth.

One thing is clear though: the Lord is bringing me through this process of deeper healing and deeper purification to prepare me for my vocation, whatever that may be. For that I am thankful. I know that (even though I feel bipolar sometimes!!) He is walking with me and has my best interests at heart, and is allowing me to go back and forth between these so that I can really dig down into the depths of my soul and find what makes it sing. All of this comes back to identity, which is something I could never seem to grasp.

Lord, help me to look beyond my emotion, beyond my false securities, beyond my sense of 'identity', and find my true desires and my true self in Your merciful heart.  

NCYC

I was privileged this past weekend to attend NCYC (National Catholic Youth Conference) in Indianapolis. There were about 23,000 teens there, and it was so beautiful and inspiring to watch them transform throughout the conference. I felt more alive and more purposeful than I have felt in a while. That is exactly what I love doing. Not only do I just love that kind of atmosphere (awesome speakers, fun music, craziness...), but I love working with teens. I'm so glad I was able to attend because I feel as though it invigorated me as much as it did them. And of course, the whole time I was thinking and praying about my vocation. There was a 'chapel' room, and there was a prayer labyrinth that you walked through, and you are supposed to think of a question or thought to 'ponder' and talk to God about, and then once you get to the center, you reflect for a bit. I decided it would be a good idea for me to do this, so I started slowly walking along the twisting path before me. As I was reflecting, I was thinking about my vocation in relation to the labyrinth. The path was very winding, and I couldn't tell where it ended up connecting to the center. So too in my vocational journey, the path seems to be very crooked, and I can't always see how it connects, or how I get to the end. It takes trust to continue walking, not knowing how many times I'll have to walk in circles, or how long it will take me to get to the center, of if I'll ever even make it there without going insane! And even though by the time I got to the center, I still didn't know what conclusion I had been lead to, but I know that I got there. It really just made me remember to trust that there is an 'ending' to this path, even though I may not see it. I won't be walking in the labyrinth forever. I just need to remember that, either way, Jesus is at the center of it all, and I just need to keep walking the path toward Him. He will reveal my heart to me as I continue walking.

I did talk to Fr. Gregory though about all of these questions I have been having, and he told me to just keep on asking Jesus to help me answer them, and to write things down. So I might be doing a lot of 'thinking through things' on this blog. In the meantime though, he wants me to continue on in the process, and told me that I should never make big decisions during periods of confusion. He also said I need to step back from my emotions, so I need to do my best to do so. (Being an INFP, that will be a stretch haha). He wants me to briefly talk to Sr. Della Marie about it so that she is aware, and maybe could give me some insight. Otherwise, I am to wait til I meet him text before really deciding anything. So currently, I am staying on this path and just praying for clarity and healing. There is a ton of healing that needs to happen, more than I realized. And so the purification continues....

Questions

I know I have not written (proper grammar??) in a bit, but honestly, I have been so overwhelmed and confused. I didn't even know what to write about. Or maybe I do, and I am afraid to write it. Either way, I have been feeling less and less of a pull toward religious life. A lot of questions have been coming to the surface that I feel I need to answer, and many of them tell me the truth about where I am with this. I have been thinking long and hard about the answers.

1. Why am I doing this?
Well, I'd say originally that I am doing this because I love Jesus. But then I dug further.

2. Am I doing this for other people?
Well....in all honesty, I think there is a part of me that is. It is nice to have people excited for me. I am receiving positive feedback from so many people that would love me to be a nun, so naturally, I feed off that and in turn, put on an excited face for them. I want to please people. I don't want to disappoint anyone. It reminds me of when I was a freshman and looking at households: I LOVED Regina Angelorum from the start, but I had to wait to intent. So I started looking at other households, and suddenly, I was very interested in SOL. It was new, it was exciting, and they wanted me. Not that Regina didn't, they all did so badly, but I wasn't allowed to intent yet and I got tired of waiting. So I started going to SOL commitments, wearing red hoodies, loving the "You look good in red" comments, until one day I just knew where my heart was, and that was with my angels. (And I actually did get some "you look good in gray" comments from sisters.... it was adorable... but see the parallels here?)

3. If I decide to not go through with the application process, do I trust that God will have a man for me?
No. No I don't. This would be the biggest leap of trust that I would ever have to make. I think part of me was trying to secure my own future, insure that I would be safe, that I wouldn't be alone. I have a deep down fear that I will never marry and grow old with my cats... don't get me wrong, I love cats, but that just doesn't cut it. And maybe I am called to be a nun. But I think I need to know that I can be loved by a man first.

4. Do I feel forced?
Yes. I feel like I am forcing myself. I want so badly to be called to religious life that I forced myself to be excited. I forced myself into the application process because I thought I had to. And maybe I did. Maybe the Lord wanted me to go through this to teach me how to be fully satisfied with Him, to really woo my heart and love me, to show me that He is taking care of me, to heal my brokenness and strengthen my heart. He has definitely done all of those things and more, and I am so thankful for it. I remember people asking me if I was excited, and one time I actually responded with this: "Yes, I am excited, even though I don't seem like I am".... should have been a red flag, but I just shoved it off and told me to get over myself. I had to do this. I really tried to make the motherhouse seem like "home' to me, like everyone said it should, but deep in my heart, I think I knew otherwise.

5. If a hot, holy man (pretend I know him already) asked me to marry him, would I be able to say no?
I honestly don't think I could. I never really thought about it as a possibility for me because I have always subconsciously deemed myself unlovable by men, but now that the Lord has slowly healed me, I don't know if I would say no to that. It is hard for me to even envision this because it is so lofty, but if I think about an actual person loving me and actually wanting to be with me, I don't really think I could refuse that. Nor would I want to. In the past couple weeks, my eyes have been so completely opened to how beautiful and holy marriage can be, and I all of a sudden don't know if I want to give that up.

6. So, does that mean I made everything up?
No, it doesn't necessarily mean that. I think there were genuine feelings of joy and longing for religious life, but at the end of the day, I don't know if that is where I will grow or thrive the most. And who knows where I will end up. Only God does.

7. So.... what now?
Truth: I have no idea. I am always a confused soul! I just got a voicemail while at work from Sr. Della Marie about setting up my psych interview. I don't know if I need to talk to my spiritual director before making any decisions, or if I should go through with the psych anyways and see what he has to say about all of this. I'm going to shoot my director a text and see if he and I can talk on the phone about all of this. That is not the best, but it will have to do in a pinch. Anyways, please keep me in your prayers as I am figuring out what God wants of me! Maybe I am going to be a nun still, but these are definitely things I need to work through.

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as questions go, but I'll be sure to keep you all posted (literally heh).

Schedules and men

I have much to talk about!

First of all, I want to talk about my schedule and update you all on how my restructuring is going. I have been experimenting the last couple days with some different options. I have been doing some "research" of the mass times between my house and where I work, and I came up with two good solutions. There is a church about halfway through my commute that I usually pass that has a mass at 7:30. I did this on Monday: left the house at 7:00, got to mass on time, and then I was at work a few minutes early. Today, I was planning on going to that mass again, but for some reason there was no one in the Church when I got there... (need to look into that)... but then I remembered that there is a Church about 5 minutes from where I work that has an 8:00 mass. So I went there and was still at work on time. Either way though, I still would leave my house at 7 and get up at 6, which for some reason sounds so much better than getting up at 5:30.

Also, I realized that I need to take better advantage of my lunch breaks. I get an hour every day for lunch, and I could be spending at least half of that, probably even 45 minutes, in prayer in the Church. I have been trying to do this the past couple days and have already felt better. Today of course is Adoration in the chapel so I will be going to that as usual! I'm hoping that I can sort out a pattern that will work well for me.

And here is the things I really need to talk about. Men. (I have been avoiding talking about this.. that is why I haven't written in a few days haha)

I don't know how I 'should be feeling' about them, how I should be relating to them, thinking of them.... if I am truly called to religious life, should I no longer think of men as spouses? Should I no longer think about marriage? I have been very confused lately, mostly because after spiritual direction the other night, I ran into the guy that I had feelings for almost throughout the entire last couple years in Steubenville. We talked for a bit, and I did end up telling him that I was in application with the TOR Sisters. I knew this was a big step for me because it was like I finally had to pull out the root of emotion and attachment that I felt toward him. It was also extremely difficult. He had always been the guy that, if I were to get married, I would want someone exactly like him. I knew that if I didn't marry him, that only meant that the Lord had someone better in mind for me (which I didn't think could be possible... that's how great I thought this guy was). We were pretty good friends, and I could never really tell where he stood with our friendship. It was never brought up though and so I just took that to mean that he just wanted to be friends. I definitely gave him ample opportunity. My feeling is that if a guy wants to do something, he will. I had to always accept this fact, but of course I always wondered what would have happened if I had brought it up.

While I have put this issue to rest many times, and 'moved on' from it, I was surprised by the wave of emotions that came flooding back and how much I all of a sudden wanted to get married. Maybe all the sense of "loss" is just prematurely hitting me now, but I am just confused! I have been so sure that this is what I want (I still had my doubts though) and all of a sudden, I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe this is normal, maybe this is just a bump in the road, or spiritual attack, or just plain old human emotions! But either way, I have been trying to sort through this and find the deepest desires of my heart. It definitely feels tender right now, like I am getting to the bottom of something or something is being healed. It is good that I have already figured out my need for prayer and set aside time for it so that I can work through this.

Restructuring

So, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had spiritual direction last Thursday night, and it was quite eventful. I told Father a lot about my anxiety, and how I am not sure what to do about it. He also asked me how my prayer has been, and I had to tell him that it has unfortunately been not so good since I rarely have time to sit down and be quiet. I pray in the car and in spare moments, but it is rarely  sitting in front of a tabernacle in silence. I do have one holy hour a week, but that is not enough. Father was of course not pleased about this and basically told me that he can't really help me if I'm not praying. Not that he wouldn't help me, but if I don't let Jesus help me first, it would be useless. Which I totally understand... it just kicked me in the butt.

Then he asked me about my day, so I gave him a run-through. He immediately came up with red flags in my schedule that needed to be fixed. First of all, I need to find a better way to go to daily mass. I have been trying to go at 6:30am, and it has been such a struggle. The first couple weeks I was fine, but the exhaustion soon caught up to me, and I have since either not made it to mass every day, or I am rushing out the door and getting there right as it starts (which stresses me out). Then immediately after mass, I rush home and eat breakfast, and rush out again. Too much rushing. And then traffic seems to stress me out as well. And somewhere in the midst of all this, I needed to find time to have at least 3 holy hours a week. We came up with a few different options to make my days less stressful: I could get up earlier, go to 6:30 mass and not come home between so I can take my time getting to work, and then I would probably get to work early so I can pray in the church before my day starts. Another option staying after work and praying for an hour and then going to the 6:00 pm daily mass, and going home after that, which would also enable me to avoid traffic. There are so many things I like about this plan: I don't have to get up as early, I get to have a whole HOUR of quiet at the end of the day, I get to go to mass, and I don't have to drive home during rush hour. There are some cons though: I get less time with my family in the evenings, I already have CCD and Youth Group two nights out of the week, and I think they close the Church during certain hours (but I am sure I can ask to have it opened). Seriously though, it sounds like absolute Heaven to have that in the evenings. Even if I just do that 3 evenings, I think it would majorly bring my stress level down.

Father also said that I need to quit teaching CCD and only stay til December if they absolutely need me to... I need to be prioritizing discerning my vocation and not neglect my prayer life. I need to be "going on these dates with Jesus". And he very frankly said: "How do you think a guy would feel if you were about to be engaged and you all of a sudden got too busy for him?"... well when you put it that way.....

So I am not sure how these things will pan out. I like option number two, but I also don't like that I wouldn't be home some evenings. I know my family is not going to really like it that much either, but this is one of those things I feel like I need to do. As much as I have been trying to be present and "be where my feet are", I need to remember that I am discerning a vocation and that takes time and attention. I guess this is why we have spiritual directors to remind us of these things :)

And he said "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things".... if only he knew how much that story has been stalking me lately. And how much I need to be more like Mary. I guess he does know, and that is why he said it...

So now I need to implement this plan. I am a little nervous about logistics and talking to my parents about it, but I am hoping they will be supportive of my decisions. I will also need to talk to the religious ed coordinator about the future as well. So much still to do, but I need to make sure I am not leaving Jesus out of it!

I'll leave with this quote that Father told me to put on my mirror:

"Do not let work extinguish the spirit of prayer" - St. Francis of Assisi 

Open wide the doors

“Are we not perhaps all afraid in some way? If we let Christ enter fully into our lives, if we open ourselves totally to him, are we not afraid that He might take something away from us? Are we not perhaps afraid to give up something significant, something unique, something that makes life so beautiful? Do we not then risk ending up diminished and deprived of our freedom? No! If we let Christ into our lives, we lose nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of what makes life free, beautiful and great. No! Only in this friendship are the doors of life opened wide. Only in this friendship is the great potential of human existence truly revealed. Only in this friendship do we experience beauty and liberation. And so, today, with great strength and great conviction, on the basis of long personal experience of life, I say to you, dear young people: Do not be afraid of Christ! He takes nothing away, and he gives you everything. When we give ourselves to him, we receive a hundredfold in return. Yes, open, open wide the doors to Christ – and you will find true life. Amen.” ~ Pope Benedict XVI

This quote has been stalking me lately. I have seen it pop up on so many blog posts, Facebook statuses, you name it. I figured that it was significant for me then, so I have been trying to reflect on it lately. What is that fear that is present in my heart? Is there something in my life that I fear Him 'taking' away from me? 

In all of my discernment, I have never been afraid of Him taking things from me in the sense of taking my freedom, my choice etc. I know that by following His will, I gain life in abundance. My fear though is rejection and disappointment. I'm afraid of being heart broken. Putting it into the context of this quote, I guess you could say I am afraid of Him taking my heart and my joy. If something brings me such joy, and it is not in His plan, will I be disappointed? 

But at the same time, I desperately want Him to take all of my heart, and He is ultimately the source of my joy. Really, there is no way I can be disappointed. I think maybe part of me has been holding back my heart a little bit still out of fear... fear of the unknowns, the logistics, fear of plans changing... But if I give Him control of my heart, truly all of it, then there is no way I could ever be disappointed or rejected. If my heart is so consumed by His, so captured by Him, then no matter what may happen in this world, I could never be heartbroken. Because He would be protecting my heart. Sure, there will be moments of heartache and distress, but if I freely give Him control of my heart, it will never become shattered. And there is my biggest fear put to rest. 

He knocks on the door of our hearts daily. How am I going to respond? 

25: Phone calls with Jesus

Ok, so Jesus didn't call me on the phone. But it was pretty darn close! Last night, I talked to Fr. Rick. He is just one of those priests that always makes me feel like I'm really talking to Jesus (so I guess he is doing a good job at his vocation!)

I had wanted to talk to him about fasting and all that I was struggling with in that area (see previous post if you don't know what I'm talking about). I kind of already knew the answers to my questions, but it was nice just to have someone else affirm that.. someone else who is not in my jumbled brain 24/7 like I am!

We talked about how I compare myself too much to other saints, and how I desire holiness and sainthood, but I need to do that in my own way... even if that means I can't fast from food. Basically, this is just something I need to accept and offer to the Lord. It was very helpful to 'analyze' this out loud, and really see how unfruitful my attempts at food fasting were, and how very fruitful my other fasts are. For instance, I don't listen to music on my commutes on Wednesdays and Fridays as a fast for those days. So that is 4 hours total of silence that I have committed to. It really has allowed me to spend some beautiful time with the Lord and just talk to Him and receive from Him (or yell and complain, which I have been prone to do....). It has also given me much more time to pray for the intentions in my life that I am fasting for. It never really feels like much of a fast because it is not torturous, but I just have to remember that fasting doesn't have to be this difficult, agonizing thing, but rather something tangible that I can give up for His greater Glory. But either way, the Lord accepts this sacrifice because He knows it comes from the heart and from such a desire to give up something for Him.

Father really helped me to realize how much better I will feel, and how much more peace I will have if I just end my battle with food fasting. Even though I am at a good place right now with eating, he really advised me to just let it go because I am in a good place. In other words, don't wake a sleeping giant. I had never thought of it from that perspective, but I think that is very wise. In my attempts to food fast, I am just opening doors for the devil to creep back in. It is time that I shut that door.

I already feel better today and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It is amazing how much that stress was tearing me down and attacking me. I am glad to have it gone! We are not all called to fast in the same ways, and that is ok! So for now, I am going to continue finding new ways to fast, and be completely at peace with it.

24: All Souls Day

This past Saturday, I went to the TOR Sisters' All Souls Day mass at the motherhouse. My younger sister Laura came with me, which was really exciting because none of my family has been there yet. It was definitely kind of weird though having my two worlds collide like that, but I think it was good. It was nice also just having my sister for the first time bringing family instead of having the whole crew with me. It was a good, peaceful "transition". (Note: I really do want my whole family to come meet the sisters, but the timing has not been right yet!)

It was also good to be there because I had been wondering what was going on in my application process. I always could have called and asked them, but you know me.... I like to make things difficult! :p
At any rate though, I chatted with Sr. Della Marie briefly about what was going on, and things are looking good! Of course, I automatically think the worst: I haven't heard from them so something bad must be happening. Turns out, the psychologist they usually use had retired at the end of October, which they were unaware of, so they had to quickly find another one that met their qualifications and would be able to do the interviews. And, even more entertaining, he is one of the professors I had in a counseling class at Franciscan, and he actually knows that I left the program to discern religious life. So I am very excited about this meeting! But that is really why I hadn't heard from the sisters sooner. Everything is good and on track :)

I'll be sure to post if something changes or if I hear anything new. I think they are just finalizing the paperwork etc. with the psychologist before setting up appointments. Then I will be on my way!