23. Melting down

So yesterday I had a little meltdown... ok it was a big meltdown.

For anyone who doesn't know, I used to have an eating disorder. Thankfully, the Lord has brought tremendous amounts of healing to this area of my life, but it is something I think that will creep up every once in a while. It is definitely a cross that comes in different ways depending on the situation.

For instance: fasting.

Obviously, while in the midst of my struggles, I was not allowed to fast from food. Sure, maybe I wanted to, but it was more of a fast for me to not fast from food. This was always really hard for me. Not because I had to eat, but because of how much I wish I could fast. I always admired people who could do bread and water fasts because it just seems so legit. All the great saints seem to do it, and I always wished I was able to. But I wasn't. And this created ever more stress on top of what I was already going through. Thankfully, I had a wonderful priest, Fr. Rick, who guided me during this time and helped me to decipher through all the lies, but fasting is still something I struggle with to this day.

Even though I am in a completely different place in life and not struggling with eating now, it has come to my attention that fasting from food is still probably not the best idea. It all started when I was reading a booklet yesterday about "Safe Fasting for Teens" because I was curious to see if it addressed eating disorders. I went looking for it, so I don't know why it was such a surprise to read, but this is the gist of what I found: if you have even the slightest tendency toward anorexia, you should not fast from food. ever.

Now I know this is not going to be the same for every situation, but something inside me just snapped. I think seeing it written on paper really just cut me deep. And then the lies started creeping in. The TOR sisters fast every Wednesday and Friday, so would I be able to fast with them? If I can't fast then maybe I'm not fit for community. I can't talk to them about this because then they might not accept me. What if I get 'rejected' because of my inability to fast? Maybe this isn't really what I am supposed to do.... etc. etc. etc.

I know what you're thinking: that escalated quickly.

And it did. I started doubting everything. All of my discernment, everything I have experienced, I thought I just made it all up. The struggle there was real.

Thankfully, through the prayers of my friends and through a little angsty conversation with God on my drive home, I kind of calmed down.  I know I should probably talk to one of the Sisters about it, but I still just have that fear that I will get rejected because of this. I mean they already know about my history with eating, but have they made the connection that I probably shouldn't fast? I don't know. I just wish I was able to do this. It is definitely a cross on top of a cross that I must bear with grace. It just makes me feel so defective and like a failure that I can't do this great fast that I so long to do. It is a good lesson in humility, and I have to learn to rejoice in that.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. -2 Corinthians 12:9 

22: Joy

This weekend, I had the absolute JOY of spending time with some of my household sisters from out of town, who happen to also be some of my closest friends. I was only able to see one of them for about an hour or so, and it was in an extremely loud environment, but it still was such a treasured time and we were able to catch up on many things. I spent all of Friday evening and Saturday with the other girls though, and it was such a blessing. It is always a comfort to be in the presence of people who know me so well and know about my discernment. I am able to share freely the joys and the struggles of this journey I am on. We spent most of the time at the University, so it was wonderful to see other friends as well!

Not only was this weekend a ton of fun, it was very affirming of the call I feel to religious life. I spent time with two married friends, one engaged friend, and one "seriously dating" friend (aka, they probably will get engaged soon!! yay). So naturally, there was a lot of catching up about husbands, wedding planning, married life, potential babies (not yet, but it always comes up in conversation :p ), and all things romantic. Normally, this would have bothered me. Even just last semester, spending time with people who always talked about love and marriage etc. would always leave me feeling empty and down on myself. It would spark a longing within me that was not filled, and the ache was always noticeable. However, this weekend was different. I was amazed that I didn't even feel a slight ache for that. I would leave conversations, noticing this time the "lack of hurt" and the fullness that I still felt. It allowed me to much more purely find joy in my sisters' lives and listen with not even a hint of jealously.

I also noticed a difference within me after my interactions with men. I was able to spend time with some of my closest guy friends from Franciscan this weekend, who are always eager to love and serve me as their sister in Christ, and felt no emotional instability afterwards. What do I mean by this? Well, I have always had a hard time being emotionally chaste with the men in my life. Even if I felt no romantic inclinations toward them, I always found myself being very emotionally needy and vulnerable around them, like I needed their affirmation and their attention. And they, being the amazing gentlemen that they are, were always willing to give that to me. However, this would become toxic because of how unstable I used to be. I would try to fill myself with their attention, but afterward, would be left feeling so empty and so broken, and so desperately wanting a man to fill that gap. This time however, I was able to receive their love in such a pure way. I was able to enjoy the hugs and the affirmations (because, let's be honest, what girl doesn't like that attention?) and treasure it as I would from any friend. I was able to walk away simply feeling loved. I can't tell you how freeing that feeling was. All of it, from the marriage talk to hanging out with my guy friends, it was also so beautiful and so pure... it was impossible not to notice the change within myself: how rooted I have become, and how much the Lord truly has captured my heart.

21. Soaking it in

Well, I'm still waiting to find out how my interviews went and if I am moving on in the application process!

In the meantime, I am trying to soak everything in about being at home. I've been going to practically every single volleyball game, every cross country meet, every band concert, everything. I can't help but thinking that these could be my last chances to go to all of my siblings activities. If I am able to enter in August, even though it not finalized for the rest of my life, it seems like this is the end of my time with them. I've already been thinking that my 'last Thanksgiving at home' is quickly approaching, and then follows Christmas, then New Years, then all of our birthdays and Easter, and then summer, and then August.. It is going to fly by so fast. But I don't even know if I am entering at all! I just over-think things too much.

I have been trying not to think about these things too much, but it is kind of hard not to. Since religious life is becoming more of an actual reality, I've been thinking more seriously about things I would have to 'give up' for this vocation. Little things like not having a house to decorate for the holidays (which I LOVE), not being able to light scented candles and listen to Christmas music... these little things that seem to just spice up my life (pun intended) don't really matter to me that much. I don't mind giving them up. What will be the most difficult is giving up my family. Not being able to watch my siblings grow up. Not being there when my sisters bring home their first boyfriends, not watching them be on stage in musicals or concerts, not being there while my little brother grows from this little guy to a young man.... these are the things that break my heart to give up. It really makes the Gospel message come to life though of leaving behind even your family to follow Him. Of course, I am willing to do so, but I know it will be hard. I'm extremely thankful though that my family doesn't live that far at all from the convent (only an hour) so it will be easier to visit. I've also been secretly hoping my sister goes to Franciscan so I have a better chance of seeing her regularly! But that is selfish of me, and I have to want her to go where God wants her to go, even if that means Harvard or Notre Dame, or Pitt... wherever.

So for now, I am working on my patience and waiting to hear what the next step will be in this process, and trying to just soak in the here and now. We are going to Trax farm on Sunday which is one of my most favorite Fall things to do. Soaking in these and many more bittersweet moments.

20: Interview 2!

Well I have now completed my second interview! This one took longer than the first, and probably could have been even longer if we hadn't made ourselves speed up toward the end. Like I thought, this one was on faith history and discernment history. I could honestly talk about these topics for hours, since the Lord has done so much, so that is probably also why it took longer. And sister and I were both very chatty ;)

I really enjoyed this interview because the questions prompted me to remember and really think about all the good that Lord has done in my life, and especially how much mercy He has shown me. I was able to look back on time where His providence was so clear, and where His timing was always perfect. It was a good reminder for where I am right now. I also had to try very hard not to be too guarded. I usually don't like to be too open about really intimate parts of my prayer life, but I was asked questions that required it. I sometimes am afraid to voice these things. It really stretched me though, and forced me to really speak from my heart and say how I feel about my discernment, and how I really feel about Jesus and being a sister. If I didn't speak up then and open up, there wouldn't be another chance. 

The one question though that has stuck with me and is still making me think was the last one of the interview: "If for some reason we discern that you are not called to this community, what would you do?" .....

And honestly, I don't know what I would do. I haven't really planned for that... but I guess I should. I just answered that I would probably just keep doing what I am doing now and work for the Capuchins and see where the Lord takes me. But I would be sad.

And I really think I would be sad. Unless the Lord drastically changes things for me in the months to come, but I don't know that I would be able to move on without feeling a sense of loss. I know it would be according to His will though, and that is something I need to be OK with: following His will no matter what it may be. So I guess I really should think about my plan B if I don't get accepted. I'd move out and get an apartment, probably get a new car if mine craps out by then, and just work and do whatever else I'm doing now. I guess I could get more involved with young adult groups in my area  and maybe meet some new friends... but who knows. It is good to have a general idea, but I don't need to be thinking specifics about the future just yet. The Lord is already there.

19.

Well I have my second interview tomorrow! I am really excited :) One, I just love going to the motherhouse, and two, I am anxious to get this process moving along so I can have some sort of direction.

I think this interview is going to be questions about the specific spirituality and charisms of the TOR sisters, and how they would fit into my spirituality. (Quick answer: like a glove)

So yea, I am not at all worried about this interview. They let me borrow a copy of their "Constitutions" to kind of prepare, and I haven't read all of it yet, so I might have to do some brushing up on that this evening. The "Constitutions" though are so beautiful, and really resonate with my spirituality. I am excited to learn more through the reading and the interview!

That is pretty much the simple, sweet update for today. The weather is glorious!

I'll leave you with this picture :)

18: Called out

Wow. So many things to say and so little time has passed! The Lord is just constantly equipping me and speaking me through many different avenues. This time, it happens to be through podcasts and, yet again, my daily devotional. (Is it starting to freak anyone else out how perfect they are? Every...single....day...?)

First off, I'll talk about the podcast I listened to yesterday. It is Fr. Mike Schmitz, and he posts his homily from each Sunday, and I'll usually listen to it while I'm running. I feel like I need to listen to it again actually and take notes. But just from what stood out to me while half-running half-listening:
He was talking about St. Ignatius of Loyola and his tips for discernment. Not necessarily discerning vocations, but just discerning between two goods. In my case though, it does happen to be between married and religious life. It was just really good to be reminded of all the different ways I have already discerned and what I have already received through it. However, nothing really was ever made very clear in all the discernment I have done in the past. I feel like with me, there were always hints here and there, and things that I felt, but I had to make a choice. I had to be the one to choose. And I was always kind of unsure if that was ok. But the main thing that stuck out to me, was toward the end of the podcast, when Fr. Mike said that if you are still unsure after doing all these various types of discernment, to think to the end of your life, and what do you want to give God? What do you want to have done and say "I did this for You"?

Definitely a great question. And definitely really makes you think!

The second, is that devotional book. That thing speaks directly to my heart all the time. The book is written as if it is Jesus speaking. It started off talking about how "you" (the reader) have been on an uphill battle and your energy is spent. (I'm like...yes seriously) Then it said how pleased "I" (Jesus) am that you have been holding my hand through this and stayed close to Me (oh cool! feeling pretty good). Then He lowered the bomb. He is displeased with my tendency to complain. I can go to Him as much as I want with my complaints, struggles, etc. but I should stop complaining to other people. He wants me to run to Him as soon as something seems wrong.

BAM. Called out. So from now on, you will hear (hopefully) no complaining out of me. I know I kind of unloaded the other day, but that was a really exhausting day for me. Still though, He is making it clear that I need to turn to Him first and tell Him what my troubles are. I guess He can't really fill me as much as I need if I am not running to Him first and foremost.

17: Mary and Martha

LK 10:38-42
Jesus entered a village 
where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him.
She had a sister named Mary
who sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak. 
Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said,
“Lord, do you not care
that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? 
Tell her to help me.” 
The Lord said to her in reply,
“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. 
There is need of only one thing. 
Mary has chosen the better part
and it will not be taken from her.”

This was the Gospel reading for today and it struck me in a particular way. I have always related to Mary in this Gospel. There have been many times where I have neglected doing other things because I simply wanted to sit at Jesus' feet and listen to Him. I've gone to Holy Hours instead of other activities, and I would always be very defensive of Mary when people would reprimand her for not doing her duties. I knew how much her heart longed for Christ, so everything else seemed trivial and not important. 

This time when I heard the Gospel though, something changed. I knew that I had turned into Martha. Not that Martha is a bad person, but she has just lost sight of what is truly important. She became too worried about making everything perfect and getting things done that she neglected to give Jesus what He really wanted: her time and affection. And that is what she really needed as well: to sit at His feet and be filled. When He lovingly says: "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing.",  I feel as though He is speaking right to my soul. I know it seems that I keep writing about the same things over and over, but I am just having a hard time getting out of this rut of being 'anxious and worried about many things'. But I know that He is purifying me and teaching me even in this time.

Lord, help me to be more like Mary and sit at Your feet.


My jukebox today: 

16: Stress

[warning: this is a rant :p] 

Lately I have been feeling so incredibly overwhelmed. I don't even really know what to do about it. I think I am spreading myself too thin, and not allowing myself enough time to recharge and fill myself before giving of myself to others. But the problem is, I don't have the time to do that. I just feel like I have so many things to do and not enough time to do them. By the time I get home from work, I just am shot. But then there is CCD and Youth Ministry, and running, and all these things I have committed to (that I do really want to do!) so I need to keep doing them, but at what cost? Something has to change here. I hate feeling exhausted and drained. I hate that I can barely stay awake on my hour commute to work. I hate that I sometimes don't go to mass because I can hardly move in the morning. I hate that I have to pop ibuprofen every day because of my constant stress headache. I hate the cloud that follows me everywhere, reminding me of all the things I need to get done by the end of the week. And next thing you know, it is the next week, and I have more things to be doing. Is this what life is like for a lot of people? I don't know how they do it. I guess that is why a lot of people are so miserable... 

At any rate though, I need to figure something out, whether it be getting help at CCD, or kicking myself to bed earlier, or maybe structuring my day more and sticking to that. Free time is free time. 

I think part of another reason why I am so overwhelmed is that I am seriously lacking in the trust department when it comes to paying off my loans. This is even MORE stressful because these need to be dealt with before I can enter religious life. The thought of living this busy life with work and volunteering and being stretched thin for more than another year is terrible. I don't know if I can handle that. I don't even know how I would last til August. When I think about it rationally, is is absolutely impossible for me to pay off all my loans in a year. Not possible at all. Even if I am working and spending as little as possible, I still won't make enough money. Thinking about this is where I get overwhelmed. And yes I have heard all the stories about people who just find money in their mailboxes, or someone offers to help pay their loans, but that kind of stuff doesn't happen to me. I'm not saying it never would, but I have never experienced it. So I guess you could say I am a doubting Thomas here, and you would be right. And I guess I have a hard time believing in His providence and that He will take care of me. This is all a huge test of my trust, and I am failing miserably. Jesus, help me to trust You more.

Then I found this old box of notes from high school when I was cleaning my room. At first I was excited for a little blast to the past, but then I started reading them.... Was I really like that? I mean I only had the perspective of what my friends wrote back to me, but I imagine my notes were no different. And all these horrible memories and things I had forgotten about came back to me. I think if I weren't already stressed it wouldn't have bothered me, but something about it did. But I am trying to shake the dust from my feet and remember who I am now and who I am striving to be. 

And trying to always think about this image:

I guess one of the best ways to counteract all my complaining is to force myself to be thankful. So here are some things that I have thought of, and I am sure I will feel much better by the end of this post.

1. I'm thankful for the Pirates winning and making the Playoffs! (I know, it is trivial, but hey... let me love baseball)
2. I'm thankful for the cool weather today. What started out being rainy and dreary has turned into a lovely crisp fall day. 
3. I'm thankful for the wind hitting my cheeks and blowing through my hair. It makes me feel like I am being embraced by the One who commands the weather.
4. I'm thankful that I have a job, however tiring it may be, so that I can be paying off my loans.
5. I'm thankful for mercy and that I am a changed woman.
6. I'm thankful for Love.

Ok, maybe I don't feel a ton better, but it is a start!

The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. Deuteronomy 1:30-33

15

So, exciting story!

Last night, I was driving home from my church, where I was helping out with a youth ministry intro night, and I just decided to turn on K-Love even though I knew they were doing pledging. I guess I was hoping there would be a song on. To my joy, there was! But it wasn't just any song... It was "Oceans" by Hillsong. Now, this is already kind of weird because I have never heard them play this song before, and I always would wonder why they never played it (it's like the best song). This song basically is my life right now. If you have never heard it, you need to listen to it! Here is a little snippet of they lyrics:
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Pretty darn great I would say. And very much what I am going through right now and corresponds with the Gospel of Peter walking on the water toward Christ. If you read over previous posts, you will see me referencing this story a lot, and how much I believed that Christ was calling me to walk on the water toward Him. So already, I am feeling this song. I couldn't really believe that it was actually playing and that it started just as soon as I got in the car, so that also just made me kind of emotional (doesn't really take much sometimes haha). I pulled into the driveway as the song was still playing, so I just sat there and prayed with it and when it ended, just shut the car off and sat in silence. My heart began to get very overwhelmed with love, so I started telling Jesus out-loud how much I love Him. Tears started running down my face, and all of a sudden, my heart like welled up inside me and I felt deep within my soul "Will you be mine?" It came from so deep inside me that I couldn't have made it up. Of course I said "Yes, yes a thousand times yes" and I cried some more and it was glorious :)

Then after I got into the house and finally sat down to read my devotional, it read this:

Never take for granted My intimate nearness. Marvel at the wonder of My continual Presence with you. Even the most ardent human lover cannot be with you always. Nor can another person know the intimacies of your heart, mind, and spirit. I know everything about you—even to the number of hairs on your head. You don’t need to work at revealing yourself to Me. Many people spend a lifetime or a small fortune searching for someone who understands them. Yet I am freely available to all who call upon My Name, who open their hearts to receive Me as Savior. This simple act of faith is the beginning of a lifelong love story. I, the Lover of your soul, understand you perfectly and love you eternally. -"Jesus Calling"

Wow. No words. 

So there you have it! The proposal!

At first when I thought about it, I was like "well that was a strange place for it to happen", but the more I thought about it, the more perfect it was. Let me break it down for you:
1) The song: I already talked about this above, but that song is perfect. And I had never heard it on the radio... and Klove is the only thing I listen to and I'm in the car A LOT for work. So I think that was no coincidence.
2) The timing: If you read my post from yesterday, you will see that I talked about giving up control and letting the Lord be the man. It was also earlier in that day that I prayed the "Suscipe" prayer 3 times as an act of surrender. It is amazing what He gives back once we give Him everything.
3) The location: Now you may think, how could a car be a very romantic spot for this to happen? Well this is actually very significant for me because cars have for so long brought memories of sin and painful experiences. It was in a car that I was 'used' for the first time. So of course, He would want to bring redemption and healing and bring LIGHT into such a place of past darkness.

Glory. I was kind of hoping that a sunflower ring would appear from nowhere.... but beggars can't be choosers. And there's still time ;)

14

Last night I was able to have much needed Spiritual Direction with Fr. Gregory. Praise the Lord. The Holy Spirit was totally present. We got to talk about a lot of my fears and the reasons for my anxiety. It was very good just to talk out the lies, and every time I do that, there is always more freedom. I have the tendency to always think that there is something "wrong" with me, or that what I am going through is abnormal. Fr. Gregory really helped me to realize that sometimes, we are just hardwired certain ways, and situations tend to trigger these anxious responses. That doesn't mean I shouldn't go through with it, that just means that it is hitting a weak spot and I am needing to grow. It is an act of the will to keep going and keep my eyes fixed on Christ, and not to get distracted. I was very glad though that my anxiety didn't necessarily mean I wouldn't get accepted. I also was thinking that since I was so anxious, there still must be a huge issue there, and that means I can't be a nun. Wrong again! My problem is just that I over-think and become so self absorbed that I start becoming anxious about how I am anxious. It is a dangerous spiral if I can't get out of that. I'm glad I was able to recognize that early on and start climbing out of the whirlpool. I was working too hard on treating the symptoms instead of going straight to the source for healing.

So basically, I just talked about everything that I have been blogging here. So nothing really new that I realized, but it was definitely so helpful and healing to speak it out loud and receive affirmation that I am doing the right thing. It was also soooo good to know that this is pretty normal!

But here is my homework. I need to memorize and learn this prayer so I can pray it daily and whenever I feel anxious. It will help me to give up all control and to allow the Lord to be the man and lead me in our romance. Through this process, He is creating me more into the woman I am made to be, and helping my heart to become more and more feminine. I need to surrender to Him and allow Him to be the man in this relationship, and not take matters into my own hands.

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-St. Ignatius of  Loyola