10: Adjustments

I went into the summer with this freedom. I moved home in the beginning of May and started my new job working for the Capuchin Friars, which has been AWESOME. We can talk more about their impact on  my discernment later. But moving home was not without it's difficulties. It took some time for me to adjust to living back with my family even though I loved being there with everyone, but I was thrown out of my normal routine and environment into another, where I had to learn to balance working full time, spending time with my family, helping around the house, having 'introvert time', and prayer. I had way less access to the frequency of the Sacraments that are available at Franciscan, so I was also adjusting to less Adoration and Mass time and without my normal support group. This transition brought up a lot of things in me that I thought I had dealt with, and set me on a path that the Lord really used to bring about healing and self-discovery. My all too familiar body image demons were knocking on my door again and because I wasn't building myself up defensively, they began to creep in. So I started running... a lot (Keep in mind that I have never run before this time in my life), and it was wearing me down physically. But at the same time, I was learning discipline, getting over my laziness, and also having an outlet to burn out my stress.

It wasn't until I started going to daily mass again that I really got myself together. About mid July, I was in Adoration and trying to figure out where my passion for the Lord had gone. I was at a loss, and couldn't seem to find the answer. All I knew was that it felt like the little flame inside me had gone out. I clearly heard Him speak to my heart: "Then come receive Me". DUH. I couldn't expect to have the passion without the intimacy of receiving Him daily in the Eucharist. I have to get up at 5:30 every day to make it there, but I have drastically noticed a difference in my prayer, my emotions, my mental status, everything. He also started journeying me back toward religious life during this time. The beginning of the summer I had been rather boy crazy, but looking back on it, I was not truly myself and was not rooted in Christ. Once I started receiving Him more, He slowly drew me back into His love and His presence. I think having that as the start to my day has enabled me to refocus my prayer and get me back on track. Everything else just seemed to fall into place after that.

During this time, the Lord also started revealing my heart to me. I was sent on a beautiful journey of self-discovery, learning what I truly desired in life. Between the discipline of running and the daily reception of the Eucharist, I overcame a lot of my struggles. Running was no longer distorted, and it became more of a spiritual exercise, running the race of the faith and 'running out the demons' as I have affectionately liked to call it :) I now run because it helps me to overcome physical laziness, which it turn builds my spiritual endurance. On days where I feel too tired or too weak to run, or just plain "don't feel like it", I will try to run anyways just to overcome that obstacle and ask the Lord to run with me in my struggle of conquering my flesh.

Receiving the Eucharist everyday has obviously added tremendously to this time of purification by giving me the spiritual sustenance I need to keep going, and also being a daily reminder of Who I live for and where my identity is to be found. Now you may be confused on what this has to do with discernment, but it is pretty crucial. It is only when we truly know the desires of our hearts, and become more fully ourselves, that we can discern what God wants from us, and what we feel our heart is calling us to do.

In all of this, I realized something that has been pivotal in my spiritual journey. For too long, I had been living in the shadow of my past: it would kind of hover over  me like a dark cloud, reminding me of where I used to be and restricting me from really letting go of it. I know deep down that I want to live a holy life, that really all I want is Jesus, but the rebellion in me would hold me back. You don't really want that. Just think of all you would have to give up? While maybe consciously, these thoughts were not affecting my actions, but they were definitely restricting my heart to be free to live and breathe God's will. Once I realized this, I was able to pray and claim that I am a new creation, that He has made me new, and really start living that way. I can't say that this is easy, sometimes it is hard, but I have felt so much more free to be myself and to truly become who God created me to be. I'm shaking off the chains that have been broken, yes, but that were still weighing me down. A wise priest, Fr. Gregory, told me about how the Lord's wounds got Him to His glory, how they were still present after the resurrection, but that they didn't hurt Him anymore. Wow. Just the same for all of us, our wounds help us to achieve sanctification, but once He makes us new, they should not hurt anymore. They shouldn't affect us. They are simply a reminder of how far the Lord has brought us, and how much grace, mercy, and healing has taken place in our lives. So for now, I am continually claiming that I am made new, and walking in that grace.

To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human can ever fight and never stop fighting.
- e. e. cummings 

9: Summer: marriage vs. religious life

Summer 2013

At this point in my discernment, I felt like I did all I could do. I gave the Lord as much as I had in me. I was still unsure as to what my vocation would be, but I felt at peace that I had gave it my best effort and at least considered all of my options. I really was at a place of contentment with whatever the Lord's will would be. I knew that either way, religious or married life, I would be happy. This is a very good place to be during discernment, because it is not good to be attached to any single vocation, so to allow the Lord to work however He pleases.

Getting to this point was not easy. For a while, I was extremely attached to married life: being afraid of what religious life would bring, what I would have to give up, etc. Then after I started really looking at religious life, I became extremely attached to that idea. I wondered how the Lord would ever not want me to be a religious? How could He not want me all for Himself? I was looking at marriage as a lesser vocation because I was swinging to the other extreme of the pendulum. I thought the only way I could truly be holy was to become a sister, and I couldn't understand why God wouldn't want everyone to live those vows. Obviously, I had skewed perceptions of each vocation, and it took some time and further questioning to come to a point where I could see the value and sanctification of each vocation. Here is my analysis:

Married life: This is a beautiful and extremely sanctifying vocation. It is a daily laying down of your life for another and a constant giving of your entire self. Especially if children enter the picture, you are constantly there to give to and serve your family. You are also responsible for their souls and helping them enter heaven! You get the opportunity to create life and raise your children to become saints :) Marriage is hard, requires a lot of work, but it has so many beautiful rewards. The Church needs holy and married saints, and the family life needs to be preserved and fought for.  

Religious life: Again, a beautiful and sanctifying vocation. It is not a sacrament, but rather a living out of what we will all be living in heaven. Living poverty, chastity and obedience would be difficult, but also very rewarding and the Lord will give you the grace. There may be times where it is really difficult. You get plenty of prayer time and opportunities to serve His people. While it may be hard not to have a family, you will have more time to dedicate to prayer and have the opportunity to be a Spiritual Mother and care for the souls of all of God's children.  

So there you have it. This is the place of contentment I had come to. I came to a better understanding of what was expected in each vocation (not completely because I can't really know without experiencing it), but it brought me to a place of freedom to allow the Lord to do with me as He willed.

<>If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their truth, understanding what is certain in them.- St. John of the Cross

8: Come and See

April, 2013 

It was around mid-April that I had set aside a week to spend at the TOR Sister's Motherhouse, living their day-to-day lifestyle. I was both nervous and excited for this trip: nervous that I wouldn't last the week yet conversely excited to go back to such a peaceful, joyful place. (I know, I was a confused soul! But the Lord takes us as we are!)

I arrived on a Saturday and stayed til that Thursday evening. The week was spent getting up at 5am, praying, doing various ministries, praying some more, and having some fun, and being in bed by 9:30. I struggled of course in the wee hours of the morning during Holy Hours, when I would be so comfortable in the Lord's presence that I had to remind myself that I was indeed not in my bed so I had to remain awake! It would take time for anyone to adjust to that schedule. The sisters do most of their daily work/chores in silence, which was not a problem for me because I actually prefer that (I'm an introvert...what can I say?), but they did allow me to ask them questions and chat a little because I was on a come-and-see to learn more about them. This was very nice to get to know a few more of the sisters individually. I got to clean the chapel one day which was actually a very prayerful experience. I got to clean the Lord's house for Him. I also went to a nursing home one day, which is always a difficult ministry for me and something that will definitely be a challenge should I enter this community. But the Lord is always calling us to grow and stretch our selves!

Another day was spent at the Samaritan house downtown where I did work on mission. This was a great joy because I have always loved the store and being with the people there. Wednesdays are 'hermitage days' for the sisters, so that means they have a lot of free time dedicated to prayer and silence. I read some books and enjoyed the grounds. I also helped one of the sisters prepare their retreat house for a retreat they were to be hosting that upcoming weekend for women who have had abortions. This was a profound experience for me because, after learning a lot about the retreat and being so moved by what was to take place there, I was able to pray for those women that would be present and walking the floors I was cleaning. I was truly humbled to be able to prepare a place to provide them with healing and comfort.

The last evening I was at the Motherhouse, one of the sisters and I planted seeds in their garden (seems appropriately spiritual...). I remember planting a whole slew of sunflower seeds, even though we were not sure if they would grow or not. For those of you who don't know, I LOVE sunflowers. Jesus has told me that He sees me as His sunflower because no matter the soil, no matter the circumstances, I always turn to face the Him, just as a sunflower always faces the sun. Pretty powerful imagery, and definitely hard to live up to sometimes!

So what did I experience this week?

• Peace. It was almost uncanny how peaceful it is there. I have never experienced anything like that. But I think it is impossible for anyone to go there and not feel peace!
• Joy. Being with the sisters was truly a joyful experience. They are probably the most joyful women I know, and their joy is contagious. 
• Sacrifice: Through the sisters' fasting and penance, I got to experience the beauty of suffering for the sake of His kingdom. Not suffering in a dark way, but suffering in the way of love and for Love.
• Poverty: The sisters do without so many things that I would never have even thought of, but it was extremely liberating to be rid of those worries and worldly things. 

7: The Spiral Staircase

The months following my first discernment retreat last September would be best described as a spiral staircase. Religious life was on one side, and married life on the other. I would spiral back and forth between them, all the while coming closer and closer to the end of the staircase, which contains the true desires of my heart. What was at the end of the staircase remained a mystery.

There were times when all I wanted to do was get married, and there were times when all I wanted was to live a life solely and completely for Jesus. Many of these moments though were based off my present mood or emotions, so I can't really use them as solid grounds for discernment. I can however, look at the desires behind them and see how they would be fulfilled through each of these vocations. 

During this time, I was supposed to be entering my second semester of graduate school in January 2013, but I was not a rest with this decision. My vocation as a student at that time was not fulfilling me in the way I felt it should be if I were following the Lord's will. At the end of the day, I felt that I was doing nothing for His Kingdom, and that I was just living each day for no real purpose. I could feel the tug on my heart that I was called to be doing something more. I needed to do something more. I also did not want to keep taking out loans if I wasn't really feeling like I was supposed to be in grad school at that moment. I enjoyed my classes to a certain extent, and was doing very well in them, but that did not necessarily mean I was supposed to continue on.

I decided to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit and take a semester off from school and see where that would lead me. Maybe I would decide I really wanted to be in school, maybe I would get a job, but I just needed a break. I stayed in the Steubenville area because I was still involved in some various ministries and needed to frequent the Sacraments while I was in this time of discernment. I felt very drawn to doing ministry work in the downtown Steubenville area, so I applied for the spring break mission trip and got accepted even though I would not be a student at that time. It turned out that this was the largest Steubenville mission team that the university has had. As the month of March approached, our team prepared for mission. Since I was not taking classes, I had a lot of extra free time to devote to preparation and assisting the team leaders, so I really fell in love with the city of Steubenville and it's people. The week of the mission trip was truly blessed and wonderful in so many ways. Since the TOR sisters do a lot of work in Steubenville, we got to spend a lot of time with them during the week. They run a thrift store/ food pantry called Samaritan House, and I was able to volunteer there a couple times, which was helpful in my discernment to see one of the ministries that they do. I was able to see how real the sisters are and spend time and talk with them individually and hear their stories. One sister in particular was very helpful in talking with me about my discernment. Something she said that has stuck with me is this: If it has been going on for a while, it is probably not you making it up. At this point, the concept of religious life had been popping in and out of my radar for about 9 months, so I would say that is pretty significant. Still not enough though for me to be sure!

One day of the mission, a handful of us were given the opportunity to go to the TOR Motherhouse and assist the sisters with various projects. Of course, I was the first one to sign up to be in that group. Going to the Motherhouse again definitely made me feel a faint tug, hear a slight whisper... but I quickly pushed that aside. It was however a lot of fun and I always enjoyed the peaceful, joyful way of the sisters. Being there again that day changed something in me though. Previously, I was not sure if I would be able to be in a convent for longer than a weekend, so the thought of living there for the rest of my life was quite daunting. Spending the day there made me realize that I actually enjoyed being there and I shouldn't be scared of it. I decided to talk to the vocation director about doing a come-and-see week. This is different than a discernment retreat because you go and live the sisters' lifestyle for a week to see if it is a good fit for you. I decided I was ready to take that next step.

Explore your mind, discover yourself, then give the best that is in you to your age and to your world. There are heroic possibilities waiting to be discovered in every person.

- Wilfred Peterson

Day 6: The Lies

Note: this is from the retreat I went on last September, 2012

Going on the Discernment Retreat was a huge step for me, but at the same time, just scratching the surface. The devil was obviously not pleased with my desire to do anything the Lord asked of me, so he started retaliating the best he could: through lies, doubts, and fears all hitting me at my weakest points.

One lie that started cultivating during the retreat was that I could never be a nun because of my past. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, and struggled with some serious sin, and I know that I have been forgiven through the graces of Confession, but forgiving myself was always a huge issue for me. When I would think about things I used to do, I would feel so ashamed, so guilty, so disgusting, so unworthy of God's love. So of course, the devil took this and ran with it. On the retreat, some of the sisters gave their vocation stories, but they were always very mild (yet incredibly beautiful!) stories, and I thought wow, I am nothing like this... And of course, by the grace of God, I was paired with a certain sister for my one-on-one meeting who was able to help me with this lie through the witness of her own life and also through the witness of a certain saint: St. Margaret of Cortona. This remarkable woman is also known as the second, or Franciscan, Mary Magdalene. Sister told me a little about St. Margaret's life and let me borrow a book about her. Not only did this Saint and I share a name, but I could relate so much to her sentiments and feelings toward the Lord and toward her past. The Lord transformed her in such a radical way though, and now she is an incorruptible saint. Her life is truly extraordinary. She bore a son out of wedlock and when her lover died suddenly, she realized the gravity of the state of their souls, and spent the rest of her life doing penance and giving all she had as a Franciscan sister. If she can become a nun, then there is no reason I can't! Here is a beautiful quote from a book about her:

""I have put thee as a burning light," Our Lord said to her later, "to enlighten those who sit in the darkness.--I have set thee as an example to sinners, that in thee they may behold how my mercy awaits the sinner who is willing to repent; for as I have been merciful to thee, so will I be merciful to them.""

I also struggled with lot of doubt during this time: doubting my discernment, doubting the Lord's providence, doubting my feelings. The devil was always on my back, telling me that I was making everything up, that I didn't want this, that God would not ever want this for me.

The confusion was also difficult to work through. I soon learned that I really did not know what I wanted. What were the true desires of my heart? Did I truly want to be a parent? Was I wanting to join religious life because I was afraid of being in a relationship? Did I even know what a good, Catholic relationship looked like? Is it bad to want to run away from the world? Can I really go through my whole life and never give myself completely to another man? Would being a mother fulfill me? Where would I best grow? Do I really want anything besides Jesus?

These are only a few of the many questions that plagued my thoughts. The problem is that I over-think things constantly. My brain is hardly ever at rest, not even when I am trying to sleep. And I am a dweller. I will stick with the same issue for a while and let it fester until I am about ready to explode. This is when I decided it was time to invest in a spiritual director. 

What I learned/am still learning:

1. I don't have to have been perfect to be a nun. The Lord can take people wherever they are at. He radically changes hearts every day. And some of the greatest sinners have become the greatest saints! There are so many great examples to look to. There is no reason the Lord can't do the same for me. 
2. It is OK to need help. Spiritual direction is pretty much necessary when discerning this kind of thing. And it is also just a really good tool that is helpful at any point in the spiritual life. There was also no way I could sort out all of those questions on my own.
3. Take time to learn your heart. I quickly learned that I didn't know what I wanted. For so long I had put everyone's needs before my own, thinking that what I wanted didn't matter, that I soon forgot to ask my heart what it's desires are. This requires prayer and healing to figure these things out, and I am still on that journey of self-discovery. 

"With all her fear of herself, which was never far away, she grew in confidence because she knew that now she was loved by one who would not fail her. " -From a book on St. Margaret of Cortona

Day 5: Retreat High

{September 2012}

The Discernment Retreat started off rocky, but ended up being incredibly beautiful. I learned a TON about religious life, what it meant to live in community, the formation process, and then specifically about the Franciscan TOR charisms. Honestly, I felt like someone had taken my spirituality and lifestyle and turned it into a religious order... it was really kind of creepy. I also loved how the women prayed there: Liturgy of the hours, Adoration, Mass, Divine Mercy Chaplet, all on a daily basis. The Divine Mercy devotion is especially something that has always been close to my heart, so I of course fell in love with their chapel: Father of Mercy chapel. It has a beautiful crucifix with Mary at the foot of the cross looking up at Jesus who is looking down at her, and the blood and water from His pierced side is depicted coming down to the tabernacle below. I just felt so at home there, and so peaceful. Previously, I had been having some bouts of insomnia, but this weekend I slept like a rock. I still wasn't too sure what the Lord's plan was in all of this, but I could definitely tell He was doing radical things. I knew one thing though: I desperately wanted to be romanced by the Lord. I remember sitting in the chapel on Saturday night after everyone was in bed (9pm) and telling the Lord over and over that I would do this for Him if He wanted me to. I was just sitting there, waiting for Him to ask, and He wasn't asking. Lord, why aren't you asking me to do this? What seemed like such a good thing, such a holy endeavor, just maybe wasn't in the Lord's plan for me at that time.

I am the type of person who like things to be dramatic. I don't do well with little whispers or subtle clues. I need to be hit in the head with a brick. And He wasn't hitting. He was whispering. I was pretty upset that He hadn't asked me, but I just had a feeling inside that said I want you to wait. I was hoping for either a solid yes or no, but He just wanted me to wait for His response. This was hard for me to swallow, and I hoped that I would be able to handle the unknown and the confusion. I always like to be in control of my life, of my future, and the Lord was stretching me, asking me to give the control over to Him and let him lead our dance.

So where did this bring me now? I left the retreat feeling overwhelmed with love and joy, yet completely confused. I had a new appreciation and understanding of religious life, wasn't afraid of it anymore, maybe even wanted to do it, but wasn't sure what He was asking of me. And of course, I was afraid of making the wrong decision and had my doubts. But I decided to keep praying and waiting to see where the Lord would lead me in this process of discernment. I would keep my heart open and continue to seek His will.


In retrospect:

1. Peace is of the Lord. It is definitely a good sign that I felt so peaceful there. That shows that I was doing the Lord's will at that time, and He was actively moving in me.
2. Not yes doesn't mean no. The Lord may not have asked me to give my all at that moment, but that doesn't mean He will never ask me. He knows my heart more than I do, and I just needed more time to work through my fears and my insecurities. I needed more time to discern and fully understand the desires of my heart. I wasn't ready for a definitive answer, even though I thought I was. And who knows, He still might never ask me. But that is still to be discerned! And also, what kind of story would this be if I gave away the ending now? :)

"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." -Don Bosco

{I recently just went on another discernment retreat so I will post as soon as I am done with this back story!}

Day 4: Retreat Jitters

As I predicted, I got an email from Sister a few days later, letting me know that there had been some cancellations and that I would be able to come on the retreat. So of course, I said 'yes' because I knew it was just something I needed to do. The retreat would be the weekend of September 14-16. As it got closer and closer, I was actually getting kind of excited about it! This came as a surprise, but nonetheless, I accepted it willingly.

Then came the week before...

Then the day before...

Then the day of...

Wow, I did not want to go on this retreat. There was not an ounce of me that wanted to go. Maybe deep down there was on ounce buried somewhere, but I was actually repulsed by the idea. In reality, I was terrified, but it manifested itself in repulsion. I contemplated running away, locking myself in my room, becoming 'too sick' to go (I actually did have a bad cold coming on), but I knew that this was the spiritual attack that is almost guaranteed in these situations and that fear is not of the Lord. Also, the Lord being who He is, knew that I would need a little extra reason to go, and I was asked to give another girl from Franciscan a ride to the retreat. So I had to go now, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I was going whether I liked it or not.

We arrived at the Motherhouse, and it was GORGEOUS. Not what I was anticipating at all, but I was still feeling like I was about to throw up because of my anxiety. And there were nuns. Real nuns. Full habit nuns. Everywhere. I was freaking out inside a little. During the tour I pretty much just stayed to the back of the line and didn't say much to anyone. Thankfully, I was beginning to ease up though and was now able to breathe at a normal pace. We had Holy Hour which couldn't have came at a more perfect time. I was able to mostly calm myself down and talk myself out of my nerves. Everyone here seems so nice and sweet. The sisters don't seem scary at all....but still if I do something wrong I'll probably get in trouble or get yelled at.... (PTSD apparently...). Still wasn't convinced that nuns weren't scary.

The Lord, again being the Lord, always gives us exactly what we need, right when we need it. As I mentioned earlier, I had been coming down with a cold. At this point, my nose was so stuffy, I was exhausted, I was coughing, and I was feeling really lousy. I know now that He gave me that cold for a reason, because it really allowed me to see the maternal side to the sisters. They were making me tea, giving me medicine, they set a box of tissues in my pew, and I was even told I didn't have to get up early the next day if I wasn't feeling up to it. Wow, I would be breaking the schedule and NOT getting in trouble! I was truly touched by how loving they all were in making sure I was well taken care of. I remember going to the chapel later that first night and simply starting off a journal entry saying "I am no longer scared anymore". What a relief that was. I am thankful that I was sick because I don't know what else would have gotten me over my fears.

I'll give a breakdown of the rest of the retreat weekend later, but for now I want to recap some things that I learned:

1. Fear is not of the Lord. Just because something is scary, doesn't mean you're not supposed to do it. If I had interpreted my fear of going on the retreat as a sign that I shouldn't go, then who knows if I would have ever gone down this beautiful path? 
2. The Lord knows exactly what we need. It was so obvious that He was taking care of me and knew exactly what I needed to move me down the path He had laid for my life. It is not always so clear or easy to see His workings, so it was a nice reminder that He is there and is in control. A good time of consolation to look back on.
3. Spiritual motherhood: I was really able to see firsthand what this meant when I was sick. The sisters all lovingly cared for me as if I were their own daughter, and it was an incredible, beautiful thing. It couldn't have been more comforting. 
4. And of course, nuns aren't scary! In fact, they are quite awesome :) 

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—says the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope."- Jeremiah 29:11