13:

I've been really having a hard time with fear lately. More specifically, the fear that I won't get accepted into the TOR sisters. I don't know why, but I just have this looming fear over me that they're going to discern that I am not fit for the community for whatever reason. When I think about this, it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to just burst into tears. Memories of a horrible break-up and me thinking over and over, "I thought you loved me", come rushing back into my consciousness. I've realized how far I've fallen... how far I've fallen in love. And that scares me. I've had my heart torn into pieces before, and it has left me fearful.

It is interesting though that the very thing I was trying to avoid by turning to the Lord for fulfillment is the very thing that is happening to me right now. I was afraid of falling in love because I didn't want to be hurt again. I once told the Lord that I didn't want to be in any serious relationship again until it was the man I was supposed to marry. I have been on dates since then, and they have been very good, redeeming experiences with men, but He has remained true to that promise. And during that time, when I would be upset that I made that bargain with Him and desperately longing to be in a relationship with someone, it was then that I would ask Him to fill me and pursue me because I hated feeling that ache. I hated feeling that broken heart creeping back up again. And it was then that He started wooing me, very slowly and quietly so I barely even noticed.

And now I find myself in this position where I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. I have never loved anything or anyone the way I love Jesus. I feel a little bit irrational sometimes, but I just can't even convey how badly I desire Him. I know I don't need to be in religious life to have Him, but having Him while living a life in the world with commitments that would take away my time with Him would just be unbearable and would leave me feeling dissatisfied and incomplete. I hate that I am even writing this right now because once I put it out there, it makes it more real and it becomes even more possible for it to be broken. At least if I kept it to myself, I could pretend I didn't care as much as I do. But I can't not talk about it. I need to bring this fear out of the darkness.

I don't even know why this fear is taking such a toll on me. But it's most likely because I don't trust enough. I don't trust God with my heart. The truth of the matter is that everything is going to be according to His will, so I need to be ok if things don't go exactly how I want them to. And the other truth is that He is going to be with me no matter what route He brings me down, and nothing will change how much He loves me. If there is anyone in the world I should feel free to trust with my heart, it is Him. He is not out to break my heart, and He truly desires my good, so why am I so fearful? This is weighing me down and making me feel trapped and like I can't move forward. I'm afraid to tell people about my discernment because of how little control I have over this situation.  In fact, I really have no control. It is in the hands of God and the TOR sisters. Sure, I am the one answering the questions and filling out the papers, but ultimately it is not my decision at the end. And giving up all control has never been an easy thing for me to do.

So these are my struggles at present. I'm being stretched thin but my heart is so full of love. It is quite a strange experience. But I'm learning to trust, and I am being healed of those deepest wounds by the One who knows me and loves me better than anyone ever could. Really, He is the only one who can bring about healing from such brokenness. And I wouldn't have it any other way <3

My jukebox for the day: "Holding Nothing Back" by Ryan Stevenson: 

"Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between You and me. Jesus, it don't matter what I have to go through, I'm holding nothing back, nothing back from you" 

12. Real talk time

Well now that I have you pretty much up to speed, I figure I can start doing the real talk of discernment. The day-to-day, down to earth, in my head business.

Honestly, it has been kind of rough. Not in the sense that I don't want to do this or anything, but I am just going through a lot. Naturally. Ever since the retreat, I have been having huge amounts of anxiety, to the point where I had to come home early from work one day because I was so dizzy and weak. I have never experienced such intense anxiety before in my life. Sure, I am probably a more anxious person than others, and I definitely have had anxiety attacks, but never have I had this 24/7 constant 'buzz', for lack of better terms. It really makes me think back to what I read in my devotional on retreat, about how sometimes I feel 'off balance' and need to rely on His strength, not giving up. I think that has taken on a whole new meaning for me since then. I need to persevere through this time of trial and rely on Him to pull me through! I have been trying to discern the cause of the anxiety though. I still have joy and a type of spiritual peace about my decision, so I am pretty confident that it is not a 'sign' that I am on the wrong path, but I think it is either spiritual attack or just psychological overload from being in transition/ taking a huge step in life! I think I tend to downplay how significant this is, how HUGE it is. I mean, I decided to apply. As in this could actually happen for real. I'm not just thinking about it anymore, I am doing something about it. The devil's probably not too happy with that decision! He knows he is fighting a losing battle, and could quite possibly just be trying to scare me out of it. Sorry man, not going to work. My heart is sold.

At any rate, I have been fighting through it. I had my first interview a couple days ago (!!!) and it went really well! This first one was basically questions about my past, my family, relationships, you name it, it was probably on there. It was actually not as scary or long as I had anticipated it would be. It was actually very refreshing and freeing to talk about everything in my past in a 'formal' setting, and just be able to state the facts of my life without making a big fuss about it. Getting everything out in the open also helps to keep things out of darkness and expose any lies that the devil is trying to hide in my past. I also don't really mind talking about my past, because I know that is not who I am anymore. I am a new creation in Christ, and nothing is going to change that.

I have my second interview scheduled for the 11th. This one I think is more questions about how my spirituality fits with that of the community's. I am currently reading up on the 'Constitutions' to better prepare and pray through them.

I am also trying to read "Unbound" by Neal Lozano, because it deals a lot with renouncing your personal 'demons': fears, insecurities, etc. I am trying to work through all of this and see if it helps my anxiety. Either way, it can only better prepare me and help me to really detach and move on from my past and get rid of anything that could be holding me back from Jesus.

It has been really hard to stay focused through this time of trial. Far too often, I get too wrapped up in my anxiety and trying to make it go away instead of focusing on the reason for all of this. Why am I doing this in the first place? Because I love Jesus. A lot. That is what it boils down to, and that is Who I need to keep my eyes fixed upon, and Who I need to be running to in all of this. Praying that I can remain focused on the path toward Him and not get distracted by the storms of life!

11: Discernment Retreat #2

September 2013

As all of this change of heart/discovery was happening, I decided to yet again pray the same novena I prayed last July to St. Anne for my future husband (basically that I would find him. Immediately.) It is interesting to note that each time after I prayed the novena: 1) I did not find my future spouse, and 2) I for some reason felt a really big tug toward discerning religious life. I think this was no coincidence. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Naturally, I started thinking about the TOR sisters again. I hadn't really thought about it too much since April, when I went and stayed for a week, and so I figured I would email Sr. Della Marie just to see how everyone there was doing. And of course, being the vocation director, she wrote back asking me about my discernment and if I wanted to meet with her sometime to talk. I loved the idea, and we picked a Saturday during a discernment retreat that I could come down just for the evening. I then received another email from Sister telling me that there were some cancellations if I wanted to come for the whole retreat. So next thing you know, I am going on another discernment retreat: the same one that I went on in September a year ago. This time though, I was at a completely different place in my discernment, so my experience was much different as well. I was wondering if it was going to be the exact same retreat, but I was told later that they, at the last minute, decided to change the talks. They all ended up being perfectly what I need to hear. Slowly over the course of the weekend, my conviction built, and the idea of applying became more and more a reality. I always feel so at home there, and my heart was filled with such joy.

The priest who was saying mass on Saturday was also awesome. He started crying during the consecration, which was just so powerful and a true testament to what is actually going on in the mass. It was beautiful. He was staying the afternoon as well to be present to us and hear Confessions if we needed to go. I was thinking about going, but didn't really think I needed to, but just as I am thinking this, Father goes: "A lot of times, women will experience a lot of fears when discerning religious life. If you have a lot of fears, these need to be confessed." ..... well crap. I definitely had to go now! And of course, there was no one in line to go, so I was able to hop right in. It was absolutely a Holy Spirit moment. I was able to speak out a lot of fears and lies, and Father was very helpful in working through these. I started having an anxiety attack because of how much I was bringing to the surface. It was very healing, but I think there is still much to be worked through. (I am still feeling a lot of this anxiety a few weeks later).

Saturday afternoon, I started developing a headache and became dizzy. As the evening progressed, it became more severe and I also became very nauseous and experienced numbness in my hands. I regretfully had to lay down in my room, while the sisters (yet again) cared for me and made sure I was properly medicated. I was joking with the sisters and assuring them that I am not always sick (even though I was sick the first time I came there as well haha). Again though, the Lord used this in a beautiful way: one of the sisters came up to see how I was doing, and we ended up talking for a while which turned out to be an extremely blessed and helpful conversation! I was, however, still feeling discouraged and trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I kid you not, this was my devotional for the next morning:

 Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence. (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young) (Emphasis is mine) 

Ok seriously, what the heck. This was wayyy to perfect for what was going on with me. I literally laughed to myself when I read it. This brought me so much comfort, because it reminded me that Jesus was with me and had control over the situation. It also gave me greater courage to keep fighting through and not giving up. I was earlier tempted to think that maybe it was not the Lord's will for me to be on that retreat (maybe not even to be discerning), but this passage really showed me that I couldn't give up and think that just because I was feeling 'off balance'. It also gave me comfort to know that even if I did choose to give up, that He would not reject me. I was free to make a choice. And I chose Him <3. 

I went to the Reverend Mother and told her that I wanted to apply (she was hoping I was going to say that!), and I talked to Sr. Della Marie about the application process and set up times for my interviews. I needed to be like Peter and step out of the boat, even in the midst of the uncertainty. He was calling to me.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14)

10: Adjustments

I went into the summer with this freedom. I moved home in the beginning of May and started my new job working for the Capuchin Friars, which has been AWESOME. We can talk more about their impact on  my discernment later. But moving home was not without it's difficulties. It took some time for me to adjust to living back with my family even though I loved being there with everyone, but I was thrown out of my normal routine and environment into another, where I had to learn to balance working full time, spending time with my family, helping around the house, having 'introvert time', and prayer. I had way less access to the frequency of the Sacraments that are available at Franciscan, so I was also adjusting to less Adoration and Mass time and without my normal support group. This transition brought up a lot of things in me that I thought I had dealt with, and set me on a path that the Lord really used to bring about healing and self-discovery. My all too familiar body image demons were knocking on my door again and because I wasn't building myself up defensively, they began to creep in. So I started running... a lot (Keep in mind that I have never run before this time in my life), and it was wearing me down physically. But at the same time, I was learning discipline, getting over my laziness, and also having an outlet to burn out my stress.

It wasn't until I started going to daily mass again that I really got myself together. About mid July, I was in Adoration and trying to figure out where my passion for the Lord had gone. I was at a loss, and couldn't seem to find the answer. All I knew was that it felt like the little flame inside me had gone out. I clearly heard Him speak to my heart: "Then come receive Me". DUH. I couldn't expect to have the passion without the intimacy of receiving Him daily in the Eucharist. I have to get up at 5:30 every day to make it there, but I have drastically noticed a difference in my prayer, my emotions, my mental status, everything. He also started journeying me back toward religious life during this time. The beginning of the summer I had been rather boy crazy, but looking back on it, I was not truly myself and was not rooted in Christ. Once I started receiving Him more, He slowly drew me back into His love and His presence. I think having that as the start to my day has enabled me to refocus my prayer and get me back on track. Everything else just seemed to fall into place after that.

During this time, the Lord also started revealing my heart to me. I was sent on a beautiful journey of self-discovery, learning what I truly desired in life. Between the discipline of running and the daily reception of the Eucharist, I overcame a lot of my struggles. Running was no longer distorted, and it became more of a spiritual exercise, running the race of the faith and 'running out the demons' as I have affectionately liked to call it :) I now run because it helps me to overcome physical laziness, which it turn builds my spiritual endurance. On days where I feel too tired or too weak to run, or just plain "don't feel like it", I will try to run anyways just to overcome that obstacle and ask the Lord to run with me in my struggle of conquering my flesh.

Receiving the Eucharist everyday has obviously added tremendously to this time of purification by giving me the spiritual sustenance I need to keep going, and also being a daily reminder of Who I live for and where my identity is to be found. Now you may be confused on what this has to do with discernment, but it is pretty crucial. It is only when we truly know the desires of our hearts, and become more fully ourselves, that we can discern what God wants from us, and what we feel our heart is calling us to do.

In all of this, I realized something that has been pivotal in my spiritual journey. For too long, I had been living in the shadow of my past: it would kind of hover over  me like a dark cloud, reminding me of where I used to be and restricting me from really letting go of it. I know deep down that I want to live a holy life, that really all I want is Jesus, but the rebellion in me would hold me back. You don't really want that. Just think of all you would have to give up? While maybe consciously, these thoughts were not affecting my actions, but they were definitely restricting my heart to be free to live and breathe God's will. Once I realized this, I was able to pray and claim that I am a new creation, that He has made me new, and really start living that way. I can't say that this is easy, sometimes it is hard, but I have felt so much more free to be myself and to truly become who God created me to be. I'm shaking off the chains that have been broken, yes, but that were still weighing me down. A wise priest, Fr. Gregory, told me about how the Lord's wounds got Him to His glory, how they were still present after the resurrection, but that they didn't hurt Him anymore. Wow. Just the same for all of us, our wounds help us to achieve sanctification, but once He makes us new, they should not hurt anymore. They shouldn't affect us. They are simply a reminder of how far the Lord has brought us, and how much grace, mercy, and healing has taken place in our lives. So for now, I am continually claiming that I am made new, and walking in that grace.

To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human can ever fight and never stop fighting.
- e. e. cummings 

9: Summer: marriage vs. religious life

Summer 2013

At this point in my discernment, I felt like I did all I could do. I gave the Lord as much as I had in me. I was still unsure as to what my vocation would be, but I felt at peace that I had gave it my best effort and at least considered all of my options. I really was at a place of contentment with whatever the Lord's will would be. I knew that either way, religious or married life, I would be happy. This is a very good place to be during discernment, because it is not good to be attached to any single vocation, so to allow the Lord to work however He pleases.

Getting to this point was not easy. For a while, I was extremely attached to married life: being afraid of what religious life would bring, what I would have to give up, etc. Then after I started really looking at religious life, I became extremely attached to that idea. I wondered how the Lord would ever not want me to be a religious? How could He not want me all for Himself? I was looking at marriage as a lesser vocation because I was swinging to the other extreme of the pendulum. I thought the only way I could truly be holy was to become a sister, and I couldn't understand why God wouldn't want everyone to live those vows. Obviously, I had skewed perceptions of each vocation, and it took some time and further questioning to come to a point where I could see the value and sanctification of each vocation. Here is my analysis:

Married life: This is a beautiful and extremely sanctifying vocation. It is a daily laying down of your life for another and a constant giving of your entire self. Especially if children enter the picture, you are constantly there to give to and serve your family. You are also responsible for their souls and helping them enter heaven! You get the opportunity to create life and raise your children to become saints :) Marriage is hard, requires a lot of work, but it has so many beautiful rewards. The Church needs holy and married saints, and the family life needs to be preserved and fought for.  

Religious life: Again, a beautiful and sanctifying vocation. It is not a sacrament, but rather a living out of what we will all be living in heaven. Living poverty, chastity and obedience would be difficult, but also very rewarding and the Lord will give you the grace. There may be times where it is really difficult. You get plenty of prayer time and opportunities to serve His people. While it may be hard not to have a family, you will have more time to dedicate to prayer and have the opportunity to be a Spiritual Mother and care for the souls of all of God's children.  

So there you have it. This is the place of contentment I had come to. I came to a better understanding of what was expected in each vocation (not completely because I can't really know without experiencing it), but it brought me to a place of freedom to allow the Lord to do with me as He willed.

<>If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their truth, understanding what is certain in them.- St. John of the Cross

8: Come and See

April, 2013 

It was around mid-April that I had set aside a week to spend at the TOR Sister's Motherhouse, living their day-to-day lifestyle. I was both nervous and excited for this trip: nervous that I wouldn't last the week yet conversely excited to go back to such a peaceful, joyful place. (I know, I was a confused soul! But the Lord takes us as we are!)

I arrived on a Saturday and stayed til that Thursday evening. The week was spent getting up at 5am, praying, doing various ministries, praying some more, and having some fun, and being in bed by 9:30. I struggled of course in the wee hours of the morning during Holy Hours, when I would be so comfortable in the Lord's presence that I had to remind myself that I was indeed not in my bed so I had to remain awake! It would take time for anyone to adjust to that schedule. The sisters do most of their daily work/chores in silence, which was not a problem for me because I actually prefer that (I'm an introvert...what can I say?), but they did allow me to ask them questions and chat a little because I was on a come-and-see to learn more about them. This was very nice to get to know a few more of the sisters individually. I got to clean the chapel one day which was actually a very prayerful experience. I got to clean the Lord's house for Him. I also went to a nursing home one day, which is always a difficult ministry for me and something that will definitely be a challenge should I enter this community. But the Lord is always calling us to grow and stretch our selves!

Another day was spent at the Samaritan house downtown where I did work on mission. This was a great joy because I have always loved the store and being with the people there. Wednesdays are 'hermitage days' for the sisters, so that means they have a lot of free time dedicated to prayer and silence. I read some books and enjoyed the grounds. I also helped one of the sisters prepare their retreat house for a retreat they were to be hosting that upcoming weekend for women who have had abortions. This was a profound experience for me because, after learning a lot about the retreat and being so moved by what was to take place there, I was able to pray for those women that would be present and walking the floors I was cleaning. I was truly humbled to be able to prepare a place to provide them with healing and comfort.

The last evening I was at the Motherhouse, one of the sisters and I planted seeds in their garden (seems appropriately spiritual...). I remember planting a whole slew of sunflower seeds, even though we were not sure if they would grow or not. For those of you who don't know, I LOVE sunflowers. Jesus has told me that He sees me as His sunflower because no matter the soil, no matter the circumstances, I always turn to face the Him, just as a sunflower always faces the sun. Pretty powerful imagery, and definitely hard to live up to sometimes!

So what did I experience this week?

• Peace. It was almost uncanny how peaceful it is there. I have never experienced anything like that. But I think it is impossible for anyone to go there and not feel peace!
• Joy. Being with the sisters was truly a joyful experience. They are probably the most joyful women I know, and their joy is contagious. 
• Sacrifice: Through the sisters' fasting and penance, I got to experience the beauty of suffering for the sake of His kingdom. Not suffering in a dark way, but suffering in the way of love and for Love.
• Poverty: The sisters do without so many things that I would never have even thought of, but it was extremely liberating to be rid of those worries and worldly things. 

7: The Spiral Staircase

The months following my first discernment retreat last September would be best described as a spiral staircase. Religious life was on one side, and married life on the other. I would spiral back and forth between them, all the while coming closer and closer to the end of the staircase, which contains the true desires of my heart. What was at the end of the staircase remained a mystery.

There were times when all I wanted to do was get married, and there were times when all I wanted was to live a life solely and completely for Jesus. Many of these moments though were based off my present mood or emotions, so I can't really use them as solid grounds for discernment. I can however, look at the desires behind them and see how they would be fulfilled through each of these vocations. 

During this time, I was supposed to be entering my second semester of graduate school in January 2013, but I was not a rest with this decision. My vocation as a student at that time was not fulfilling me in the way I felt it should be if I were following the Lord's will. At the end of the day, I felt that I was doing nothing for His Kingdom, and that I was just living each day for no real purpose. I could feel the tug on my heart that I was called to be doing something more. I needed to do something more. I also did not want to keep taking out loans if I wasn't really feeling like I was supposed to be in grad school at that moment. I enjoyed my classes to a certain extent, and was doing very well in them, but that did not necessarily mean I was supposed to continue on.

I decided to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit and take a semester off from school and see where that would lead me. Maybe I would decide I really wanted to be in school, maybe I would get a job, but I just needed a break. I stayed in the Steubenville area because I was still involved in some various ministries and needed to frequent the Sacraments while I was in this time of discernment. I felt very drawn to doing ministry work in the downtown Steubenville area, so I applied for the spring break mission trip and got accepted even though I would not be a student at that time. It turned out that this was the largest Steubenville mission team that the university has had. As the month of March approached, our team prepared for mission. Since I was not taking classes, I had a lot of extra free time to devote to preparation and assisting the team leaders, so I really fell in love with the city of Steubenville and it's people. The week of the mission trip was truly blessed and wonderful in so many ways. Since the TOR sisters do a lot of work in Steubenville, we got to spend a lot of time with them during the week. They run a thrift store/ food pantry called Samaritan House, and I was able to volunteer there a couple times, which was helpful in my discernment to see one of the ministries that they do. I was able to see how real the sisters are and spend time and talk with them individually and hear their stories. One sister in particular was very helpful in talking with me about my discernment. Something she said that has stuck with me is this: If it has been going on for a while, it is probably not you making it up. At this point, the concept of religious life had been popping in and out of my radar for about 9 months, so I would say that is pretty significant. Still not enough though for me to be sure!

One day of the mission, a handful of us were given the opportunity to go to the TOR Motherhouse and assist the sisters with various projects. Of course, I was the first one to sign up to be in that group. Going to the Motherhouse again definitely made me feel a faint tug, hear a slight whisper... but I quickly pushed that aside. It was however a lot of fun and I always enjoyed the peaceful, joyful way of the sisters. Being there again that day changed something in me though. Previously, I was not sure if I would be able to be in a convent for longer than a weekend, so the thought of living there for the rest of my life was quite daunting. Spending the day there made me realize that I actually enjoyed being there and I shouldn't be scared of it. I decided to talk to the vocation director about doing a come-and-see week. This is different than a discernment retreat because you go and live the sisters' lifestyle for a week to see if it is a good fit for you. I decided I was ready to take that next step.

Explore your mind, discover yourself, then give the best that is in you to your age and to your world. There are heroic possibilities waiting to be discovered in every person.

- Wilfred Peterson

Day 6: The Lies

Note: this is from the retreat I went on last September, 2012

Going on the Discernment Retreat was a huge step for me, but at the same time, just scratching the surface. The devil was obviously not pleased with my desire to do anything the Lord asked of me, so he started retaliating the best he could: through lies, doubts, and fears all hitting me at my weakest points.

One lie that started cultivating during the retreat was that I could never be a nun because of my past. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, and struggled with some serious sin, and I know that I have been forgiven through the graces of Confession, but forgiving myself was always a huge issue for me. When I would think about things I used to do, I would feel so ashamed, so guilty, so disgusting, so unworthy of God's love. So of course, the devil took this and ran with it. On the retreat, some of the sisters gave their vocation stories, but they were always very mild (yet incredibly beautiful!) stories, and I thought wow, I am nothing like this... And of course, by the grace of God, I was paired with a certain sister for my one-on-one meeting who was able to help me with this lie through the witness of her own life and also through the witness of a certain saint: St. Margaret of Cortona. This remarkable woman is also known as the second, or Franciscan, Mary Magdalene. Sister told me a little about St. Margaret's life and let me borrow a book about her. Not only did this Saint and I share a name, but I could relate so much to her sentiments and feelings toward the Lord and toward her past. The Lord transformed her in such a radical way though, and now she is an incorruptible saint. Her life is truly extraordinary. She bore a son out of wedlock and when her lover died suddenly, she realized the gravity of the state of their souls, and spent the rest of her life doing penance and giving all she had as a Franciscan sister. If she can become a nun, then there is no reason I can't! Here is a beautiful quote from a book about her:

""I have put thee as a burning light," Our Lord said to her later, "to enlighten those who sit in the darkness.--I have set thee as an example to sinners, that in thee they may behold how my mercy awaits the sinner who is willing to repent; for as I have been merciful to thee, so will I be merciful to them.""

I also struggled with lot of doubt during this time: doubting my discernment, doubting the Lord's providence, doubting my feelings. The devil was always on my back, telling me that I was making everything up, that I didn't want this, that God would not ever want this for me.

The confusion was also difficult to work through. I soon learned that I really did not know what I wanted. What were the true desires of my heart? Did I truly want to be a parent? Was I wanting to join religious life because I was afraid of being in a relationship? Did I even know what a good, Catholic relationship looked like? Is it bad to want to run away from the world? Can I really go through my whole life and never give myself completely to another man? Would being a mother fulfill me? Where would I best grow? Do I really want anything besides Jesus?

These are only a few of the many questions that plagued my thoughts. The problem is that I over-think things constantly. My brain is hardly ever at rest, not even when I am trying to sleep. And I am a dweller. I will stick with the same issue for a while and let it fester until I am about ready to explode. This is when I decided it was time to invest in a spiritual director. 

What I learned/am still learning:

1. I don't have to have been perfect to be a nun. The Lord can take people wherever they are at. He radically changes hearts every day. And some of the greatest sinners have become the greatest saints! There are so many great examples to look to. There is no reason the Lord can't do the same for me. 
2. It is OK to need help. Spiritual direction is pretty much necessary when discerning this kind of thing. And it is also just a really good tool that is helpful at any point in the spiritual life. There was also no way I could sort out all of those questions on my own.
3. Take time to learn your heart. I quickly learned that I didn't know what I wanted. For so long I had put everyone's needs before my own, thinking that what I wanted didn't matter, that I soon forgot to ask my heart what it's desires are. This requires prayer and healing to figure these things out, and I am still on that journey of self-discovery. 

"With all her fear of herself, which was never far away, she grew in confidence because she knew that now she was loved by one who would not fail her. " -From a book on St. Margaret of Cortona

Day 5: Retreat High

{September 2012}

The Discernment Retreat started off rocky, but ended up being incredibly beautiful. I learned a TON about religious life, what it meant to live in community, the formation process, and then specifically about the Franciscan TOR charisms. Honestly, I felt like someone had taken my spirituality and lifestyle and turned it into a religious order... it was really kind of creepy. I also loved how the women prayed there: Liturgy of the hours, Adoration, Mass, Divine Mercy Chaplet, all on a daily basis. The Divine Mercy devotion is especially something that has always been close to my heart, so I of course fell in love with their chapel: Father of Mercy chapel. It has a beautiful crucifix with Mary at the foot of the cross looking up at Jesus who is looking down at her, and the blood and water from His pierced side is depicted coming down to the tabernacle below. I just felt so at home there, and so peaceful. Previously, I had been having some bouts of insomnia, but this weekend I slept like a rock. I still wasn't too sure what the Lord's plan was in all of this, but I could definitely tell He was doing radical things. I knew one thing though: I desperately wanted to be romanced by the Lord. I remember sitting in the chapel on Saturday night after everyone was in bed (9pm) and telling the Lord over and over that I would do this for Him if He wanted me to. I was just sitting there, waiting for Him to ask, and He wasn't asking. Lord, why aren't you asking me to do this? What seemed like such a good thing, such a holy endeavor, just maybe wasn't in the Lord's plan for me at that time.

I am the type of person who like things to be dramatic. I don't do well with little whispers or subtle clues. I need to be hit in the head with a brick. And He wasn't hitting. He was whispering. I was pretty upset that He hadn't asked me, but I just had a feeling inside that said I want you to wait. I was hoping for either a solid yes or no, but He just wanted me to wait for His response. This was hard for me to swallow, and I hoped that I would be able to handle the unknown and the confusion. I always like to be in control of my life, of my future, and the Lord was stretching me, asking me to give the control over to Him and let him lead our dance.

So where did this bring me now? I left the retreat feeling overwhelmed with love and joy, yet completely confused. I had a new appreciation and understanding of religious life, wasn't afraid of it anymore, maybe even wanted to do it, but wasn't sure what He was asking of me. And of course, I was afraid of making the wrong decision and had my doubts. But I decided to keep praying and waiting to see where the Lord would lead me in this process of discernment. I would keep my heart open and continue to seek His will.


In retrospect:

1. Peace is of the Lord. It is definitely a good sign that I felt so peaceful there. That shows that I was doing the Lord's will at that time, and He was actively moving in me.
2. Not yes doesn't mean no. The Lord may not have asked me to give my all at that moment, but that doesn't mean He will never ask me. He knows my heart more than I do, and I just needed more time to work through my fears and my insecurities. I needed more time to discern and fully understand the desires of my heart. I wasn't ready for a definitive answer, even though I thought I was. And who knows, He still might never ask me. But that is still to be discerned! And also, what kind of story would this be if I gave away the ending now? :)

"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." -Don Bosco

{I recently just went on another discernment retreat so I will post as soon as I am done with this back story!}

Day 4: Retreat Jitters

As I predicted, I got an email from Sister a few days later, letting me know that there had been some cancellations and that I would be able to come on the retreat. So of course, I said 'yes' because I knew it was just something I needed to do. The retreat would be the weekend of September 14-16. As it got closer and closer, I was actually getting kind of excited about it! This came as a surprise, but nonetheless, I accepted it willingly.

Then came the week before...

Then the day before...

Then the day of...

Wow, I did not want to go on this retreat. There was not an ounce of me that wanted to go. Maybe deep down there was on ounce buried somewhere, but I was actually repulsed by the idea. In reality, I was terrified, but it manifested itself in repulsion. I contemplated running away, locking myself in my room, becoming 'too sick' to go (I actually did have a bad cold coming on), but I knew that this was the spiritual attack that is almost guaranteed in these situations and that fear is not of the Lord. Also, the Lord being who He is, knew that I would need a little extra reason to go, and I was asked to give another girl from Franciscan a ride to the retreat. So I had to go now, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I was going whether I liked it or not.

We arrived at the Motherhouse, and it was GORGEOUS. Not what I was anticipating at all, but I was still feeling like I was about to throw up because of my anxiety. And there were nuns. Real nuns. Full habit nuns. Everywhere. I was freaking out inside a little. During the tour I pretty much just stayed to the back of the line and didn't say much to anyone. Thankfully, I was beginning to ease up though and was now able to breathe at a normal pace. We had Holy Hour which couldn't have came at a more perfect time. I was able to mostly calm myself down and talk myself out of my nerves. Everyone here seems so nice and sweet. The sisters don't seem scary at all....but still if I do something wrong I'll probably get in trouble or get yelled at.... (PTSD apparently...). Still wasn't convinced that nuns weren't scary.

The Lord, again being the Lord, always gives us exactly what we need, right when we need it. As I mentioned earlier, I had been coming down with a cold. At this point, my nose was so stuffy, I was exhausted, I was coughing, and I was feeling really lousy. I know now that He gave me that cold for a reason, because it really allowed me to see the maternal side to the sisters. They were making me tea, giving me medicine, they set a box of tissues in my pew, and I was even told I didn't have to get up early the next day if I wasn't feeling up to it. Wow, I would be breaking the schedule and NOT getting in trouble! I was truly touched by how loving they all were in making sure I was well taken care of. I remember going to the chapel later that first night and simply starting off a journal entry saying "I am no longer scared anymore". What a relief that was. I am thankful that I was sick because I don't know what else would have gotten me over my fears.

I'll give a breakdown of the rest of the retreat weekend later, but for now I want to recap some things that I learned:

1. Fear is not of the Lord. Just because something is scary, doesn't mean you're not supposed to do it. If I had interpreted my fear of going on the retreat as a sign that I shouldn't go, then who knows if I would have ever gone down this beautiful path? 
2. The Lord knows exactly what we need. It was so obvious that He was taking care of me and knew exactly what I needed to move me down the path He had laid for my life. It is not always so clear or easy to see His workings, so it was a nice reminder that He is there and is in control. A good time of consolation to look back on.
3. Spiritual motherhood: I was really able to see firsthand what this meant when I was sick. The sisters all lovingly cared for me as if I were their own daughter, and it was an incredible, beautiful thing. It couldn't have been more comforting. 
4. And of course, nuns aren't scary! In fact, they are quite awesome :) 

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—says the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope."- Jeremiah 29:11

Day 3: The Phone Call

It was now mid-July, 2013. The Lord was definitely moving in my heart. The idea of religious life gradually crept it's way into my consciousness. I decided I loved Jesus so much, that I wanted to show Him that I would be willing to do anything for Him, even 'check out' religious life. I really had no intention of ever actually discerning it, but I wanted to at least show Jesus that I would give Him everything.

One of my best friends happened to be going on a discernment retreat with the TOR sisters (if you're reading, you know who you are!) in the middle of September and suggested that I consider going with her. At first I was hesitant, but then I figured why not? I was at a different place in my spiritual life, and it would be a good way to practically show the Lord my devotion. I kind of put it off for a while, and eventually forced myself to fill out the vocation inquiry form on the TOR sister's website. Sister Della Marie (whom I now love), the vocation directly, promptly emailed me back the next day and wanted to set up a time to chat. Welllll, me being me, I was reluctant to do this is as well, so I played hard to get for a little, and then I went on vacation to the beach for a week, and then we finally set up a time to talk on the phone.

[At this time too, I had also finished praying a novena to St. Anne for my future husband. This was suggested by praymorenovenas.com and so I decided to pray it and just see what would happen (surprise, surprise, he didn't appear out of thin air). But clearly I was still on the "I'm definitely getting married" train. Also, this novena is significant, so keep it in mind for later.]

So the day arrived when I was supposed to call Sr. Della Marie. I thought I was going to vomit, I was so scared. I called, it rang...and rang....and voicemail! Score! I quickly left a message and then hung out with one of my friends while I was waiting. It didn't take long before Sr. called back, and I took a deep breath and answered the phone to the call that would haunt (in a good way) my thoughts forever.

After answering a few routine questions that Sister asked about how far along I was in my discernment etc., I asked her a question that was probing at my heart. What are some signs or things that people feel when they are called to religious life? And to this day, I could not tell you a word that she said. All I know is that as soon as she started talking, my heart was racing, my breathing was accelerated, and I felt like she had just opened up my soul and was reading it like a book (I learned later from a spiritual director that this was a "Holy Spirit" moment). I sat there stunned, not even knowing how to respond, so I simply said "Ok thanks". I sat there speechless trying to process what had just happened. I was not expecting to react in such a dramatic way. She said the vocation retreat for September was already full, but she would let me know if there was a cancellation, and that was that. But I knew deep down in my heart, that there was no way I was not going on that retreat. I was definitely supposed to be there, and I was going to go.

"the LORD came and stood there, calling out as before: Samuel, Samuel! Samuel answered, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”" -1 Samuel 3:10

Day 2: The Beginning

It is hard to say when religious life really came on my radar. I guess there was a small glimpse of it during my semester in Austria in Fall 2009, when I was really trying to be a saint and thought that I HAD to be a nun to be a saint (false, skewed perception of religious life). But once I realized that wasn't the case, I was extremely relieved. All my life, I have wanted to be married, wanted tons of children, and thought nuns were terrifying. Not only did I never ever in a million years think I could be a nun, but the sight of a one sent me into a panic (I guess those stories of scary school teacher nuns really traumatized me). My mom would even occasionally joke with me that I would be a nun, and I would always get extremely offended and tell her that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. Needless to say, the idea of being a nun was never a possibility.

Or so I thought.

This story really begins last summer, after I graduated college and right before I was set to start Graduate School for my Masters in Counseling, both at FUS. I was living in Steubenville because I was working there and had already moved into the house where I would be living for that next year. I just have to say, spending summer with your best friends is awesome, but this summer was difficult for me emotionally. I think people naturally want to have a summer fling, and when you're in the Ville, where everything seems to be so much more emotionally charged, this can be very difficult to handle. I had been working on emotional chastity for some time and really felt that I was being tested in this regard through a couple different situations. It seemed that the ache in my heart for someone was much more noticeable.

Also this summer, I was just working, not taking classes, and therefore had so much more time to pray. Sacraments are so easily accessible in Steubenville, so I was constantly filling my days with Mass and Adoration. I knew the Lord was stirring something within me by showing me this longing I felt inside to be wanted, and I didn't want to mess up by filling the hole with worldly things, so I more or less told the Lord that He would have to pursue me. He would need to be enough for me. He would have to actively show me that He wanted me.

It was amazing all the things that started happening once I asked Him to pursue me. Jesus obviously wants to pursue all of our hearts, and is bursting waiting for us to ask Him. There were so many little things, like the warmth of the sun, seeing my favorite flowers everywhere, having strangers do nice things for me, that I just knew it was Him. And He was flooding my heart with an awareness of His love for me, and more than that, my love for Him. It truly was incredible how much I was falling in love.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit. "No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock. Open to Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…"

- Mother Teresa's I Thirst for You prayer

continued tomorrow :)

Day 1: Introductions

I have been really feeling called to share my vocational discernment with my friends/family, and maybe even one day with others if it would be helpful to them. Right now I would like to keep it limited to those I have invited to read it because of the fears and insecurities I may still have, but hopefully the Lord will dispel those and grant me to conviction to share with anyone and everyone who wants to read my story.

The reason I am going to share this story and any future revelations on this topic is because the world needs to know how awesome God is, and I can't really contain it to myself. He has taken me on a whirlwind roller-coaster, and part of me needs to just process everything that He has been doing. I also hope that I can one day help other young women who may be discerning religious life, and hope that they can benefit from my experiences and insights. So please, if you have someone in mind, I'd be glad to add them to the reading list. Really, everyone has a vocation, so this blog is for all of us who are trying to figure out their place in this world. I just happen to be writing from the perspective of discerning religious life. Another reason: prayer. I need a lot of it. Please keep me in your prayers as I undergo this process and know that I will be praying for you as well.

But for now, I'll give you a little spoiler to where I am currently in my discernment, and then tomorrow I will start telling the story. Don't worry, there is not a huge ending yet, but that is part of what this blog is for: to document the journey. So today, I feel less afraid, more convicted, but still uncertain. I know the Lord is pursuing my heart and drawing me towards religious life, but as always, I have my doubts and my fears. Fears that I am making it all up, that I am interpreting things wrong, but this is when my faith and trust are tested, so I am holding fast to the truths that I know and continuing to wait on Him.

"Yet there too you shall seek the LORD, your God; and you shall indeed find him when you search after him with your whole heart and your whole soul." Deuteronomy 4:29 

Also, I plan to post daily so check back for more :)