Realizations

Well Advent is quickly coming to a close, and so is my "hiatus" from discerning. Naturally, everything has still been in the back of my mind, but I have been trying to detach from it. I guess more so detaching from my will and from my desire for control. It has been interesting to see where the Lord has been bringing me throughout this past month. I have been trying to pray about different things, and it ended up that I have been learning about myself: things I am passionate about, my strengths, my weaknesses, things I love, things I struggle with... it has been very enlightening. I also started going to counseling and have gone twice already.

Some things I have realized: I want to be seen as beautiful (as does every girl). This was something I have always been afraid of because I know how much my beauty has been used to much in the past. The TOR Sisters are objectively beautiful. They are probably the most beautiful women I know, and of course I want to be like them. I want to be beautiful like them. If I were a TOR Sister, I would feel beautiful. Other people would think I am beautiful. But that still would be putting a band-aid on the wound inside. I have learned that I don't need to be a sister to be beautiful. I am beautiful now. God made me beautiful, and He loves me. He will continue loving me and calling me His beautiful one, no matter if I am entirely His or if He entrusts me to another man's care.

I also realized that I have been so afraid of disappointing people throughout this whole process. There are SO many people that I would love to be a nun for them, but it really isn't about them. Not to sound rude... but I am going to be the one living the vocation, so I should probably be ok with it haha. I have come to a place now where I know I need to make the decision purely based on me and God. No one else.

And one more thing. I want to create. I have such a desire within me to create something amazing, something inspiring, something wonderful and beautiful. I still don't know what form that will be, but it is so deep within me. Whether it be with my writing, my photography, or something not as tangible.... I don't really know. I haven't been able to formulate it and there are still so many thoughts in my head. I wish I could tell you more, but I really can't. And I LOVE people. I am continually fascinated by people that I meet, and I wish I could learn more about them and let them know how loved they are, how much life is worth living.

As you can see, I still have much to process. And none of this is directly related to my vocation, but somewhere along the line, it will lead me to discover my calling in life. All I know now is that there is more I need to do with my life. I just haven't figured out what that is... please pray that I can discover these things!

Unbound

I know I haven't really written much on here lately, but like I said, I am trying not to think too much about my future right now and just be in the present. (Easier said than done!) However, that doesn't change the fact that sometimes discernment comes into conversation or things just come up that I need to deal with.

This was one of those times.

This past weekend, I went to Steubenville to attend the Festival of Praise, and then I had a household adviser meeting on Sunday night. After the FOP, I decided it would probably be a good idea to get prayed over since I haven't been in a while. I asked the prayer team to pray for my vocation, that I may know His will, and for my heart. I received much consolation and love from Him throughout the prayer. Not consolation for anything specific, but they kept emphasizing love and how everything is about love. They tried to explain how much love they felt from the Lord for me, but couldn't even put it into words. This was a beautiful gift and gives me strength for the journey. Afterwards, I was still in the chapel praying and decided to go ask the Sister who helps with prayer teams to keep me in her prayers. Of course, being awesome, she asked if I would like to pray with her right then and I eagerly complied. I just started telling her of all the lies I was being faced with, all the past hurts from "men" in my life, what they did to me, and how it was still effecting me. She asked if I had heard of "unbound" prayer (based on Neal Lozano's  book) and I am actually in the midst of reading that right now as per Sr. Della Marie's suggestion. I had even been looking for someone who knows how to pray that to pray it with me. (Providential!) We went to work for an hour through a process of repentance, forgiveness, renouncing lies, taking authority in Jesus' name, and praying the Father's blessing over my life. It took so long because as soon as we would get through one series of lies, another layer would come to the surface that needed to be addressed. It was exhausting. But good. I learned many tools that I can use in my day-to-day life when these lies arise. This wasn't an automatic healing process, but it was a step of shedding light on the darkness in my life, and ridding the enemy of his influence. I definitely still need to be watchful as I am in this vulnerable time, but I know how to better fight these things. I also know now of what specific lies and 'spirits' tend to sneak into my subconscious so I can attack them at their roots.

I feel like I could go into greater detail about these things, but I don't know if the blog is the best place for that....also I am starting to fall asleep as I write this. I haven't made it to mass this week because it has been SO freezing and snowy in the mornings and my sleep schedule has been a little off. Praying for a better disciplined next week!

Advent and discernment

(took this post from my other blog since it was applicable!)

Since it is the beginning of Advent, I have been reflecting on how I want to bring in this liturgical New Year. I stumbled upon this quote by Pope Francis, and it has been my springboard:

"This journey is never finished. Just as in the life of each one of us there is always a need to start again, to get back up, to rediscover the meaning of our existence, so for the great human family it is necessary always to redirect ourselves toward the common horizon that is the goal of our journey. It is the horizon of hope! This is the horizon of a good journey. The season of Advent that today we begin once again, restores the horizon of hope for us, a hope that does not disappoint because it is founded on the Word of God. It is a hope that does not disappoint simply because the Lord never disappoints! He is faithful! He does not disappoint! Let us think about and feel this beauty." -Pope Francis

I have for a while been in a time of great discernment, great purification, and unfortunately great confusion as a result of that. I realized, though that I have become so consumed with "figuring out my life" that I have lost my ability to live out my first vocation, which is to become holy. What more appropriate time to start over then now? I am looking forward to re-opening my heart and preparing it for the Lord of the Universe to lay His head. For the duration of Advent, I am going to try and not plan my future. I am going to try and not "pray about my vocation". This may seem counterproductive, but for now, I need to focus on praying just to pray, just to give God honor. I need to wait on His timing, as I am waiting for Him to be born again in our hearts.

4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. 6 He will bring forth your vindication as the light, and your right as the noonday. 7 Be still before the LORD, and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over him who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! 8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. 9 For the wicked shall be cut off; but those who wait for the LORD shall possess the land. - Psalm 37

The intensity of identity

Well I finally got to talk to Sr. Della Marie yesterday after playing a few rounds of phone tag. As always, it is so good to talk to her. She is just so incredibly wise and comforting! Basically, I learned that what I am feeling is relatively normal. Having feelings for men is just part of our natural instinct as women, and it doesn't every necessarily go away. There are always going to be guys that we are attracted to. That is just how it works. We just have to know ourselves, and know how to have boundaries etc. It is a matter of putting those emotions aside and looking at the reality of each vocation.

While it made me feel better to know that what I am feeling is pretty normal, it still doesn't really help me to know where my heart is without having an actual person to discern with. It is hard for me to really think about how I would like being married without there being a man that I would be committed to for the rest of my life, if that makes sense. I can fantasize all I want about how awesome married life seems, about how adorable babies are, but I can't really know if I can live with someone's weird quirks, annoying habits, or find satisfaction in that vocation unless I know him. I think that is the biggest problem I am having with discerning this. I just feel like I can't really know what is on the "other side". And sometimes the grass isn't greener!

Either way though, saying 'yes' to a vocation is saying 'no' to something. If I say 'yes' to religious life, that means no to having an earthly spouse and physical children. If I say yes to marriage, I am still saying 'no' to every other man out there.

I've learned though that I am a very emotional person. Not in the sense that I am weepy all the time (although I do cry at probably any movie/song that has a hint of emotion...hallmark kills me...), but in the sense that I feel things very deeply, and they tend to cloud my thoughts. I am very passionate, and I think I find my identity in being a deep person. It is what drives me to be a writer, a dancer, an artist, a musician, a photographer. But I think sometimes, it is too much emotion that feeds those outlets. I get better results when I am emotionally charged, and who doesn't like the release of creating something that speaks from your heart?

I have heard two things recently that have really made me think, and helped me to realize how much I find my identity in being 'deep'.
1)  One of my sisters said recently that she wanted to be a writer, but writers never make any money. My other sister responded with "Well you have to be depressed to be a writer!" I initially got really offended by this statement and asked her what the heck she meant by that. That's simply not true!
And while that is definitely not true in many cases (people write beautiful things when happy/ in love/ full of joy), depression and drama and that kind of intensity have been my springboard too much in the past, so that is what I still lean toward as "fuel for my fire".
2) Sally Sparrow: "I love old things. They make me feel sad."
 Kathy Nightingale:" What's good about sad? "
Sally Sparrow: "It's happy for deep people"

My brother quoted that the other day from "Doctor Who", and I noticed that it really hit a chord with me. I could identify with that. The more I thought about it, the more the lies from my past began to be pulled to the surface, and I realized that they were still there, just in a more subtle way. They weren't manifesting themselves as extreme as they have before, so I stopped paying attention to them. I thought they were through. Now they are manifesting themselves in confusion, in lack of trust, in my inability to find the desires of my heart. Lies that "drama and intensity make me feel alive", that I am not allowed to feel joy, that I have to be miserable, that I can't allow myself to listen to my heart because it could be broken... all those old lies still burying my heart and creating noise so I can't hear what it's beats say to me... so I can't hear what God says to me. Lies can be so loud that we can't hear the truth.

One thing is clear though: the Lord is bringing me through this process of deeper healing and deeper purification to prepare me for my vocation, whatever that may be. For that I am thankful. I know that (even though I feel bipolar sometimes!!) He is walking with me and has my best interests at heart, and is allowing me to go back and forth between these so that I can really dig down into the depths of my soul and find what makes it sing. All of this comes back to identity, which is something I could never seem to grasp.

Lord, help me to look beyond my emotion, beyond my false securities, beyond my sense of 'identity', and find my true desires and my true self in Your merciful heart.  

NCYC

I was privileged this past weekend to attend NCYC (National Catholic Youth Conference) in Indianapolis. There were about 23,000 teens there, and it was so beautiful and inspiring to watch them transform throughout the conference. I felt more alive and more purposeful than I have felt in a while. That is exactly what I love doing. Not only do I just love that kind of atmosphere (awesome speakers, fun music, craziness...), but I love working with teens. I'm so glad I was able to attend because I feel as though it invigorated me as much as it did them. And of course, the whole time I was thinking and praying about my vocation. There was a 'chapel' room, and there was a prayer labyrinth that you walked through, and you are supposed to think of a question or thought to 'ponder' and talk to God about, and then once you get to the center, you reflect for a bit. I decided it would be a good idea for me to do this, so I started slowly walking along the twisting path before me. As I was reflecting, I was thinking about my vocation in relation to the labyrinth. The path was very winding, and I couldn't tell where it ended up connecting to the center. So too in my vocational journey, the path seems to be very crooked, and I can't always see how it connects, or how I get to the end. It takes trust to continue walking, not knowing how many times I'll have to walk in circles, or how long it will take me to get to the center, of if I'll ever even make it there without going insane! And even though by the time I got to the center, I still didn't know what conclusion I had been lead to, but I know that I got there. It really just made me remember to trust that there is an 'ending' to this path, even though I may not see it. I won't be walking in the labyrinth forever. I just need to remember that, either way, Jesus is at the center of it all, and I just need to keep walking the path toward Him. He will reveal my heart to me as I continue walking.

I did talk to Fr. Gregory though about all of these questions I have been having, and he told me to just keep on asking Jesus to help me answer them, and to write things down. So I might be doing a lot of 'thinking through things' on this blog. In the meantime though, he wants me to continue on in the process, and told me that I should never make big decisions during periods of confusion. He also said I need to step back from my emotions, so I need to do my best to do so. (Being an INFP, that will be a stretch haha). He wants me to briefly talk to Sr. Della Marie about it so that she is aware, and maybe could give me some insight. Otherwise, I am to wait til I meet him text before really deciding anything. So currently, I am staying on this path and just praying for clarity and healing. There is a ton of healing that needs to happen, more than I realized. And so the purification continues....

Questions

I know I have not written (proper grammar??) in a bit, but honestly, I have been so overwhelmed and confused. I didn't even know what to write about. Or maybe I do, and I am afraid to write it. Either way, I have been feeling less and less of a pull toward religious life. A lot of questions have been coming to the surface that I feel I need to answer, and many of them tell me the truth about where I am with this. I have been thinking long and hard about the answers.

1. Why am I doing this?
Well, I'd say originally that I am doing this because I love Jesus. But then I dug further.

2. Am I doing this for other people?
Well....in all honesty, I think there is a part of me that is. It is nice to have people excited for me. I am receiving positive feedback from so many people that would love me to be a nun, so naturally, I feed off that and in turn, put on an excited face for them. I want to please people. I don't want to disappoint anyone. It reminds me of when I was a freshman and looking at households: I LOVED Regina Angelorum from the start, but I had to wait to intent. So I started looking at other households, and suddenly, I was very interested in SOL. It was new, it was exciting, and they wanted me. Not that Regina didn't, they all did so badly, but I wasn't allowed to intent yet and I got tired of waiting. So I started going to SOL commitments, wearing red hoodies, loving the "You look good in red" comments, until one day I just knew where my heart was, and that was with my angels. (And I actually did get some "you look good in gray" comments from sisters.... it was adorable... but see the parallels here?)

3. If I decide to not go through with the application process, do I trust that God will have a man for me?
No. No I don't. This would be the biggest leap of trust that I would ever have to make. I think part of me was trying to secure my own future, insure that I would be safe, that I wouldn't be alone. I have a deep down fear that I will never marry and grow old with my cats... don't get me wrong, I love cats, but that just doesn't cut it. And maybe I am called to be a nun. But I think I need to know that I can be loved by a man first.

4. Do I feel forced?
Yes. I feel like I am forcing myself. I want so badly to be called to religious life that I forced myself to be excited. I forced myself into the application process because I thought I had to. And maybe I did. Maybe the Lord wanted me to go through this to teach me how to be fully satisfied with Him, to really woo my heart and love me, to show me that He is taking care of me, to heal my brokenness and strengthen my heart. He has definitely done all of those things and more, and I am so thankful for it. I remember people asking me if I was excited, and one time I actually responded with this: "Yes, I am excited, even though I don't seem like I am".... should have been a red flag, but I just shoved it off and told me to get over myself. I had to do this. I really tried to make the motherhouse seem like "home' to me, like everyone said it should, but deep in my heart, I think I knew otherwise.

5. If a hot, holy man (pretend I know him already) asked me to marry him, would I be able to say no?
I honestly don't think I could. I never really thought about it as a possibility for me because I have always subconsciously deemed myself unlovable by men, but now that the Lord has slowly healed me, I don't know if I would say no to that. It is hard for me to even envision this because it is so lofty, but if I think about an actual person loving me and actually wanting to be with me, I don't really think I could refuse that. Nor would I want to. In the past couple weeks, my eyes have been so completely opened to how beautiful and holy marriage can be, and I all of a sudden don't know if I want to give that up.

6. So, does that mean I made everything up?
No, it doesn't necessarily mean that. I think there were genuine feelings of joy and longing for religious life, but at the end of the day, I don't know if that is where I will grow or thrive the most. And who knows where I will end up. Only God does.

7. So.... what now?
Truth: I have no idea. I am always a confused soul! I just got a voicemail while at work from Sr. Della Marie about setting up my psych interview. I don't know if I need to talk to my spiritual director before making any decisions, or if I should go through with the psych anyways and see what he has to say about all of this. I'm going to shoot my director a text and see if he and I can talk on the phone about all of this. That is not the best, but it will have to do in a pinch. Anyways, please keep me in your prayers as I am figuring out what God wants of me! Maybe I am going to be a nun still, but these are definitely things I need to work through.

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as questions go, but I'll be sure to keep you all posted (literally heh).

Schedules and men

I have much to talk about!

First of all, I want to talk about my schedule and update you all on how my restructuring is going. I have been experimenting the last couple days with some different options. I have been doing some "research" of the mass times between my house and where I work, and I came up with two good solutions. There is a church about halfway through my commute that I usually pass that has a mass at 7:30. I did this on Monday: left the house at 7:00, got to mass on time, and then I was at work a few minutes early. Today, I was planning on going to that mass again, but for some reason there was no one in the Church when I got there... (need to look into that)... but then I remembered that there is a Church about 5 minutes from where I work that has an 8:00 mass. So I went there and was still at work on time. Either way though, I still would leave my house at 7 and get up at 6, which for some reason sounds so much better than getting up at 5:30.

Also, I realized that I need to take better advantage of my lunch breaks. I get an hour every day for lunch, and I could be spending at least half of that, probably even 45 minutes, in prayer in the Church. I have been trying to do this the past couple days and have already felt better. Today of course is Adoration in the chapel so I will be going to that as usual! I'm hoping that I can sort out a pattern that will work well for me.

And here is the things I really need to talk about. Men. (I have been avoiding talking about this.. that is why I haven't written in a few days haha)

I don't know how I 'should be feeling' about them, how I should be relating to them, thinking of them.... if I am truly called to religious life, should I no longer think of men as spouses? Should I no longer think about marriage? I have been very confused lately, mostly because after spiritual direction the other night, I ran into the guy that I had feelings for almost throughout the entire last couple years in Steubenville. We talked for a bit, and I did end up telling him that I was in application with the TOR Sisters. I knew this was a big step for me because it was like I finally had to pull out the root of emotion and attachment that I felt toward him. It was also extremely difficult. He had always been the guy that, if I were to get married, I would want someone exactly like him. I knew that if I didn't marry him, that only meant that the Lord had someone better in mind for me (which I didn't think could be possible... that's how great I thought this guy was). We were pretty good friends, and I could never really tell where he stood with our friendship. It was never brought up though and so I just took that to mean that he just wanted to be friends. I definitely gave him ample opportunity. My feeling is that if a guy wants to do something, he will. I had to always accept this fact, but of course I always wondered what would have happened if I had brought it up.

While I have put this issue to rest many times, and 'moved on' from it, I was surprised by the wave of emotions that came flooding back and how much I all of a sudden wanted to get married. Maybe all the sense of "loss" is just prematurely hitting me now, but I am just confused! I have been so sure that this is what I want (I still had my doubts though) and all of a sudden, I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe this is normal, maybe this is just a bump in the road, or spiritual attack, or just plain old human emotions! But either way, I have been trying to sort through this and find the deepest desires of my heart. It definitely feels tender right now, like I am getting to the bottom of something or something is being healed. It is good that I have already figured out my need for prayer and set aside time for it so that I can work through this.

Restructuring

So, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had spiritual direction last Thursday night, and it was quite eventful. I told Father a lot about my anxiety, and how I am not sure what to do about it. He also asked me how my prayer has been, and I had to tell him that it has unfortunately been not so good since I rarely have time to sit down and be quiet. I pray in the car and in spare moments, but it is rarely  sitting in front of a tabernacle in silence. I do have one holy hour a week, but that is not enough. Father was of course not pleased about this and basically told me that he can't really help me if I'm not praying. Not that he wouldn't help me, but if I don't let Jesus help me first, it would be useless. Which I totally understand... it just kicked me in the butt.

Then he asked me about my day, so I gave him a run-through. He immediately came up with red flags in my schedule that needed to be fixed. First of all, I need to find a better way to go to daily mass. I have been trying to go at 6:30am, and it has been such a struggle. The first couple weeks I was fine, but the exhaustion soon caught up to me, and I have since either not made it to mass every day, or I am rushing out the door and getting there right as it starts (which stresses me out). Then immediately after mass, I rush home and eat breakfast, and rush out again. Too much rushing. And then traffic seems to stress me out as well. And somewhere in the midst of all this, I needed to find time to have at least 3 holy hours a week. We came up with a few different options to make my days less stressful: I could get up earlier, go to 6:30 mass and not come home between so I can take my time getting to work, and then I would probably get to work early so I can pray in the church before my day starts. Another option staying after work and praying for an hour and then going to the 6:00 pm daily mass, and going home after that, which would also enable me to avoid traffic. There are so many things I like about this plan: I don't have to get up as early, I get to have a whole HOUR of quiet at the end of the day, I get to go to mass, and I don't have to drive home during rush hour. There are some cons though: I get less time with my family in the evenings, I already have CCD and Youth Group two nights out of the week, and I think they close the Church during certain hours (but I am sure I can ask to have it opened). Seriously though, it sounds like absolute Heaven to have that in the evenings. Even if I just do that 3 evenings, I think it would majorly bring my stress level down.

Father also said that I need to quit teaching CCD and only stay til December if they absolutely need me to... I need to be prioritizing discerning my vocation and not neglect my prayer life. I need to be "going on these dates with Jesus". And he very frankly said: "How do you think a guy would feel if you were about to be engaged and you all of a sudden got too busy for him?"... well when you put it that way.....

So I am not sure how these things will pan out. I like option number two, but I also don't like that I wouldn't be home some evenings. I know my family is not going to really like it that much either, but this is one of those things I feel like I need to do. As much as I have been trying to be present and "be where my feet are", I need to remember that I am discerning a vocation and that takes time and attention. I guess this is why we have spiritual directors to remind us of these things :)

And he said "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things".... if only he knew how much that story has been stalking me lately. And how much I need to be more like Mary. I guess he does know, and that is why he said it...

So now I need to implement this plan. I am a little nervous about logistics and talking to my parents about it, but I am hoping they will be supportive of my decisions. I will also need to talk to the religious ed coordinator about the future as well. So much still to do, but I need to make sure I am not leaving Jesus out of it!

I'll leave with this quote that Father told me to put on my mirror:

"Do not let work extinguish the spirit of prayer" - St. Francis of Assisi 

Open wide the doors

“Are we not perhaps all afraid in some way? If we let Christ enter fully into our lives, if we open ourselves totally to him, are we not afraid that He might take something away from us? Are we not perhaps afraid to give up something significant, something unique, something that makes life so beautiful? Do we not then risk ending up diminished and deprived of our freedom? No! If we let Christ into our lives, we lose nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of what makes life free, beautiful and great. No! Only in this friendship are the doors of life opened wide. Only in this friendship is the great potential of human existence truly revealed. Only in this friendship do we experience beauty and liberation. And so, today, with great strength and great conviction, on the basis of long personal experience of life, I say to you, dear young people: Do not be afraid of Christ! He takes nothing away, and he gives you everything. When we give ourselves to him, we receive a hundredfold in return. Yes, open, open wide the doors to Christ – and you will find true life. Amen.” ~ Pope Benedict XVI

This quote has been stalking me lately. I have seen it pop up on so many blog posts, Facebook statuses, you name it. I figured that it was significant for me then, so I have been trying to reflect on it lately. What is that fear that is present in my heart? Is there something in my life that I fear Him 'taking' away from me? 

In all of my discernment, I have never been afraid of Him taking things from me in the sense of taking my freedom, my choice etc. I know that by following His will, I gain life in abundance. My fear though is rejection and disappointment. I'm afraid of being heart broken. Putting it into the context of this quote, I guess you could say I am afraid of Him taking my heart and my joy. If something brings me such joy, and it is not in His plan, will I be disappointed? 

But at the same time, I desperately want Him to take all of my heart, and He is ultimately the source of my joy. Really, there is no way I can be disappointed. I think maybe part of me has been holding back my heart a little bit still out of fear... fear of the unknowns, the logistics, fear of plans changing... But if I give Him control of my heart, truly all of it, then there is no way I could ever be disappointed or rejected. If my heart is so consumed by His, so captured by Him, then no matter what may happen in this world, I could never be heartbroken. Because He would be protecting my heart. Sure, there will be moments of heartache and distress, but if I freely give Him control of my heart, it will never become shattered. And there is my biggest fear put to rest. 

He knocks on the door of our hearts daily. How am I going to respond? 

25: Phone calls with Jesus

Ok, so Jesus didn't call me on the phone. But it was pretty darn close! Last night, I talked to Fr. Rick. He is just one of those priests that always makes me feel like I'm really talking to Jesus (so I guess he is doing a good job at his vocation!)

I had wanted to talk to him about fasting and all that I was struggling with in that area (see previous post if you don't know what I'm talking about). I kind of already knew the answers to my questions, but it was nice just to have someone else affirm that.. someone else who is not in my jumbled brain 24/7 like I am!

We talked about how I compare myself too much to other saints, and how I desire holiness and sainthood, but I need to do that in my own way... even if that means I can't fast from food. Basically, this is just something I need to accept and offer to the Lord. It was very helpful to 'analyze' this out loud, and really see how unfruitful my attempts at food fasting were, and how very fruitful my other fasts are. For instance, I don't listen to music on my commutes on Wednesdays and Fridays as a fast for those days. So that is 4 hours total of silence that I have committed to. It really has allowed me to spend some beautiful time with the Lord and just talk to Him and receive from Him (or yell and complain, which I have been prone to do....). It has also given me much more time to pray for the intentions in my life that I am fasting for. It never really feels like much of a fast because it is not torturous, but I just have to remember that fasting doesn't have to be this difficult, agonizing thing, but rather something tangible that I can give up for His greater Glory. But either way, the Lord accepts this sacrifice because He knows it comes from the heart and from such a desire to give up something for Him.

Father really helped me to realize how much better I will feel, and how much more peace I will have if I just end my battle with food fasting. Even though I am at a good place right now with eating, he really advised me to just let it go because I am in a good place. In other words, don't wake a sleeping giant. I had never thought of it from that perspective, but I think that is very wise. In my attempts to food fast, I am just opening doors for the devil to creep back in. It is time that I shut that door.

I already feel better today and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It is amazing how much that stress was tearing me down and attacking me. I am glad to have it gone! We are not all called to fast in the same ways, and that is ok! So for now, I am going to continue finding new ways to fast, and be completely at peace with it.

24: All Souls Day

This past Saturday, I went to the TOR Sisters' All Souls Day mass at the motherhouse. My younger sister Laura came with me, which was really exciting because none of my family has been there yet. It was definitely kind of weird though having my two worlds collide like that, but I think it was good. It was nice also just having my sister for the first time bringing family instead of having the whole crew with me. It was a good, peaceful "transition". (Note: I really do want my whole family to come meet the sisters, but the timing has not been right yet!)

It was also good to be there because I had been wondering what was going on in my application process. I always could have called and asked them, but you know me.... I like to make things difficult! :p
At any rate though, I chatted with Sr. Della Marie briefly about what was going on, and things are looking good! Of course, I automatically think the worst: I haven't heard from them so something bad must be happening. Turns out, the psychologist they usually use had retired at the end of October, which they were unaware of, so they had to quickly find another one that met their qualifications and would be able to do the interviews. And, even more entertaining, he is one of the professors I had in a counseling class at Franciscan, and he actually knows that I left the program to discern religious life. So I am very excited about this meeting! But that is really why I hadn't heard from the sisters sooner. Everything is good and on track :)

I'll be sure to post if something changes or if I hear anything new. I think they are just finalizing the paperwork etc. with the psychologist before setting up appointments. Then I will be on my way!

23. Melting down

So yesterday I had a little meltdown... ok it was a big meltdown.

For anyone who doesn't know, I used to have an eating disorder. Thankfully, the Lord has brought tremendous amounts of healing to this area of my life, but it is something I think that will creep up every once in a while. It is definitely a cross that comes in different ways depending on the situation.

For instance: fasting.

Obviously, while in the midst of my struggles, I was not allowed to fast from food. Sure, maybe I wanted to, but it was more of a fast for me to not fast from food. This was always really hard for me. Not because I had to eat, but because of how much I wish I could fast. I always admired people who could do bread and water fasts because it just seems so legit. All the great saints seem to do it, and I always wished I was able to. But I wasn't. And this created ever more stress on top of what I was already going through. Thankfully, I had a wonderful priest, Fr. Rick, who guided me during this time and helped me to decipher through all the lies, but fasting is still something I struggle with to this day.

Even though I am in a completely different place in life and not struggling with eating now, it has come to my attention that fasting from food is still probably not the best idea. It all started when I was reading a booklet yesterday about "Safe Fasting for Teens" because I was curious to see if it addressed eating disorders. I went looking for it, so I don't know why it was such a surprise to read, but this is the gist of what I found: if you have even the slightest tendency toward anorexia, you should not fast from food. ever.

Now I know this is not going to be the same for every situation, but something inside me just snapped. I think seeing it written on paper really just cut me deep. And then the lies started creeping in. The TOR sisters fast every Wednesday and Friday, so would I be able to fast with them? If I can't fast then maybe I'm not fit for community. I can't talk to them about this because then they might not accept me. What if I get 'rejected' because of my inability to fast? Maybe this isn't really what I am supposed to do.... etc. etc. etc.

I know what you're thinking: that escalated quickly.

And it did. I started doubting everything. All of my discernment, everything I have experienced, I thought I just made it all up. The struggle there was real.

Thankfully, through the prayers of my friends and through a little angsty conversation with God on my drive home, I kind of calmed down.  I know I should probably talk to one of the Sisters about it, but I still just have that fear that I will get rejected because of this. I mean they already know about my history with eating, but have they made the connection that I probably shouldn't fast? I don't know. I just wish I was able to do this. It is definitely a cross on top of a cross that I must bear with grace. It just makes me feel so defective and like a failure that I can't do this great fast that I so long to do. It is a good lesson in humility, and I have to learn to rejoice in that.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. -2 Corinthians 12:9 

22: Joy

This weekend, I had the absolute JOY of spending time with some of my household sisters from out of town, who happen to also be some of my closest friends. I was only able to see one of them for about an hour or so, and it was in an extremely loud environment, but it still was such a treasured time and we were able to catch up on many things. I spent all of Friday evening and Saturday with the other girls though, and it was such a blessing. It is always a comfort to be in the presence of people who know me so well and know about my discernment. I am able to share freely the joys and the struggles of this journey I am on. We spent most of the time at the University, so it was wonderful to see other friends as well!

Not only was this weekend a ton of fun, it was very affirming of the call I feel to religious life. I spent time with two married friends, one engaged friend, and one "seriously dating" friend (aka, they probably will get engaged soon!! yay). So naturally, there was a lot of catching up about husbands, wedding planning, married life, potential babies (not yet, but it always comes up in conversation :p ), and all things romantic. Normally, this would have bothered me. Even just last semester, spending time with people who always talked about love and marriage etc. would always leave me feeling empty and down on myself. It would spark a longing within me that was not filled, and the ache was always noticeable. However, this weekend was different. I was amazed that I didn't even feel a slight ache for that. I would leave conversations, noticing this time the "lack of hurt" and the fullness that I still felt. It allowed me to much more purely find joy in my sisters' lives and listen with not even a hint of jealously.

I also noticed a difference within me after my interactions with men. I was able to spend time with some of my closest guy friends from Franciscan this weekend, who are always eager to love and serve me as their sister in Christ, and felt no emotional instability afterwards. What do I mean by this? Well, I have always had a hard time being emotionally chaste with the men in my life. Even if I felt no romantic inclinations toward them, I always found myself being very emotionally needy and vulnerable around them, like I needed their affirmation and their attention. And they, being the amazing gentlemen that they are, were always willing to give that to me. However, this would become toxic because of how unstable I used to be. I would try to fill myself with their attention, but afterward, would be left feeling so empty and so broken, and so desperately wanting a man to fill that gap. This time however, I was able to receive their love in such a pure way. I was able to enjoy the hugs and the affirmations (because, let's be honest, what girl doesn't like that attention?) and treasure it as I would from any friend. I was able to walk away simply feeling loved. I can't tell you how freeing that feeling was. All of it, from the marriage talk to hanging out with my guy friends, it was also so beautiful and so pure... it was impossible not to notice the change within myself: how rooted I have become, and how much the Lord truly has captured my heart.

21. Soaking it in

Well, I'm still waiting to find out how my interviews went and if I am moving on in the application process!

In the meantime, I am trying to soak everything in about being at home. I've been going to practically every single volleyball game, every cross country meet, every band concert, everything. I can't help but thinking that these could be my last chances to go to all of my siblings activities. If I am able to enter in August, even though it not finalized for the rest of my life, it seems like this is the end of my time with them. I've already been thinking that my 'last Thanksgiving at home' is quickly approaching, and then follows Christmas, then New Years, then all of our birthdays and Easter, and then summer, and then August.. It is going to fly by so fast. But I don't even know if I am entering at all! I just over-think things too much.

I have been trying not to think about these things too much, but it is kind of hard not to. Since religious life is becoming more of an actual reality, I've been thinking more seriously about things I would have to 'give up' for this vocation. Little things like not having a house to decorate for the holidays (which I LOVE), not being able to light scented candles and listen to Christmas music... these little things that seem to just spice up my life (pun intended) don't really matter to me that much. I don't mind giving them up. What will be the most difficult is giving up my family. Not being able to watch my siblings grow up. Not being there when my sisters bring home their first boyfriends, not watching them be on stage in musicals or concerts, not being there while my little brother grows from this little guy to a young man.... these are the things that break my heart to give up. It really makes the Gospel message come to life though of leaving behind even your family to follow Him. Of course, I am willing to do so, but I know it will be hard. I'm extremely thankful though that my family doesn't live that far at all from the convent (only an hour) so it will be easier to visit. I've also been secretly hoping my sister goes to Franciscan so I have a better chance of seeing her regularly! But that is selfish of me, and I have to want her to go where God wants her to go, even if that means Harvard or Notre Dame, or Pitt... wherever.

So for now, I am working on my patience and waiting to hear what the next step will be in this process, and trying to just soak in the here and now. We are going to Trax farm on Sunday which is one of my most favorite Fall things to do. Soaking in these and many more bittersweet moments.

20: Interview 2!

Well I have now completed my second interview! This one took longer than the first, and probably could have been even longer if we hadn't made ourselves speed up toward the end. Like I thought, this one was on faith history and discernment history. I could honestly talk about these topics for hours, since the Lord has done so much, so that is probably also why it took longer. And sister and I were both very chatty ;)

I really enjoyed this interview because the questions prompted me to remember and really think about all the good that Lord has done in my life, and especially how much mercy He has shown me. I was able to look back on time where His providence was so clear, and where His timing was always perfect. It was a good reminder for where I am right now. I also had to try very hard not to be too guarded. I usually don't like to be too open about really intimate parts of my prayer life, but I was asked questions that required it. I sometimes am afraid to voice these things. It really stretched me though, and forced me to really speak from my heart and say how I feel about my discernment, and how I really feel about Jesus and being a sister. If I didn't speak up then and open up, there wouldn't be another chance. 

The one question though that has stuck with me and is still making me think was the last one of the interview: "If for some reason we discern that you are not called to this community, what would you do?" .....

And honestly, I don't know what I would do. I haven't really planned for that... but I guess I should. I just answered that I would probably just keep doing what I am doing now and work for the Capuchins and see where the Lord takes me. But I would be sad.

And I really think I would be sad. Unless the Lord drastically changes things for me in the months to come, but I don't know that I would be able to move on without feeling a sense of loss. I know it would be according to His will though, and that is something I need to be OK with: following His will no matter what it may be. So I guess I really should think about my plan B if I don't get accepted. I'd move out and get an apartment, probably get a new car if mine craps out by then, and just work and do whatever else I'm doing now. I guess I could get more involved with young adult groups in my area  and maybe meet some new friends... but who knows. It is good to have a general idea, but I don't need to be thinking specifics about the future just yet. The Lord is already there.

19.

Well I have my second interview tomorrow! I am really excited :) One, I just love going to the motherhouse, and two, I am anxious to get this process moving along so I can have some sort of direction.

I think this interview is going to be questions about the specific spirituality and charisms of the TOR sisters, and how they would fit into my spirituality. (Quick answer: like a glove)

So yea, I am not at all worried about this interview. They let me borrow a copy of their "Constitutions" to kind of prepare, and I haven't read all of it yet, so I might have to do some brushing up on that this evening. The "Constitutions" though are so beautiful, and really resonate with my spirituality. I am excited to learn more through the reading and the interview!

That is pretty much the simple, sweet update for today. The weather is glorious!

I'll leave you with this picture :)

18: Called out

Wow. So many things to say and so little time has passed! The Lord is just constantly equipping me and speaking me through many different avenues. This time, it happens to be through podcasts and, yet again, my daily devotional. (Is it starting to freak anyone else out how perfect they are? Every...single....day...?)

First off, I'll talk about the podcast I listened to yesterday. It is Fr. Mike Schmitz, and he posts his homily from each Sunday, and I'll usually listen to it while I'm running. I feel like I need to listen to it again actually and take notes. But just from what stood out to me while half-running half-listening:
He was talking about St. Ignatius of Loyola and his tips for discernment. Not necessarily discerning vocations, but just discerning between two goods. In my case though, it does happen to be between married and religious life. It was just really good to be reminded of all the different ways I have already discerned and what I have already received through it. However, nothing really was ever made very clear in all the discernment I have done in the past. I feel like with me, there were always hints here and there, and things that I felt, but I had to make a choice. I had to be the one to choose. And I was always kind of unsure if that was ok. But the main thing that stuck out to me, was toward the end of the podcast, when Fr. Mike said that if you are still unsure after doing all these various types of discernment, to think to the end of your life, and what do you want to give God? What do you want to have done and say "I did this for You"?

Definitely a great question. And definitely really makes you think!

The second, is that devotional book. That thing speaks directly to my heart all the time. The book is written as if it is Jesus speaking. It started off talking about how "you" (the reader) have been on an uphill battle and your energy is spent. (I'm like...yes seriously) Then it said how pleased "I" (Jesus) am that you have been holding my hand through this and stayed close to Me (oh cool! feeling pretty good). Then He lowered the bomb. He is displeased with my tendency to complain. I can go to Him as much as I want with my complaints, struggles, etc. but I should stop complaining to other people. He wants me to run to Him as soon as something seems wrong.

BAM. Called out. So from now on, you will hear (hopefully) no complaining out of me. I know I kind of unloaded the other day, but that was a really exhausting day for me. Still though, He is making it clear that I need to turn to Him first and tell Him what my troubles are. I guess He can't really fill me as much as I need if I am not running to Him first and foremost.

17: Mary and Martha

LK 10:38-42
Jesus entered a village 
where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him.
She had a sister named Mary
who sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak. 
Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said,
“Lord, do you not care
that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? 
Tell her to help me.” 
The Lord said to her in reply,
“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. 
There is need of only one thing. 
Mary has chosen the better part
and it will not be taken from her.”

This was the Gospel reading for today and it struck me in a particular way. I have always related to Mary in this Gospel. There have been many times where I have neglected doing other things because I simply wanted to sit at Jesus' feet and listen to Him. I've gone to Holy Hours instead of other activities, and I would always be very defensive of Mary when people would reprimand her for not doing her duties. I knew how much her heart longed for Christ, so everything else seemed trivial and not important. 

This time when I heard the Gospel though, something changed. I knew that I had turned into Martha. Not that Martha is a bad person, but she has just lost sight of what is truly important. She became too worried about making everything perfect and getting things done that she neglected to give Jesus what He really wanted: her time and affection. And that is what she really needed as well: to sit at His feet and be filled. When He lovingly says: "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing.",  I feel as though He is speaking right to my soul. I know it seems that I keep writing about the same things over and over, but I am just having a hard time getting out of this rut of being 'anxious and worried about many things'. But I know that He is purifying me and teaching me even in this time.

Lord, help me to be more like Mary and sit at Your feet.


My jukebox today: 

16: Stress

[warning: this is a rant :p] 

Lately I have been feeling so incredibly overwhelmed. I don't even really know what to do about it. I think I am spreading myself too thin, and not allowing myself enough time to recharge and fill myself before giving of myself to others. But the problem is, I don't have the time to do that. I just feel like I have so many things to do and not enough time to do them. By the time I get home from work, I just am shot. But then there is CCD and Youth Ministry, and running, and all these things I have committed to (that I do really want to do!) so I need to keep doing them, but at what cost? Something has to change here. I hate feeling exhausted and drained. I hate that I can barely stay awake on my hour commute to work. I hate that I sometimes don't go to mass because I can hardly move in the morning. I hate that I have to pop ibuprofen every day because of my constant stress headache. I hate the cloud that follows me everywhere, reminding me of all the things I need to get done by the end of the week. And next thing you know, it is the next week, and I have more things to be doing. Is this what life is like for a lot of people? I don't know how they do it. I guess that is why a lot of people are so miserable... 

At any rate though, I need to figure something out, whether it be getting help at CCD, or kicking myself to bed earlier, or maybe structuring my day more and sticking to that. Free time is free time. 

I think part of another reason why I am so overwhelmed is that I am seriously lacking in the trust department when it comes to paying off my loans. This is even MORE stressful because these need to be dealt with before I can enter religious life. The thought of living this busy life with work and volunteering and being stretched thin for more than another year is terrible. I don't know if I can handle that. I don't even know how I would last til August. When I think about it rationally, is is absolutely impossible for me to pay off all my loans in a year. Not possible at all. Even if I am working and spending as little as possible, I still won't make enough money. Thinking about this is where I get overwhelmed. And yes I have heard all the stories about people who just find money in their mailboxes, or someone offers to help pay their loans, but that kind of stuff doesn't happen to me. I'm not saying it never would, but I have never experienced it. So I guess you could say I am a doubting Thomas here, and you would be right. And I guess I have a hard time believing in His providence and that He will take care of me. This is all a huge test of my trust, and I am failing miserably. Jesus, help me to trust You more.

Then I found this old box of notes from high school when I was cleaning my room. At first I was excited for a little blast to the past, but then I started reading them.... Was I really like that? I mean I only had the perspective of what my friends wrote back to me, but I imagine my notes were no different. And all these horrible memories and things I had forgotten about came back to me. I think if I weren't already stressed it wouldn't have bothered me, but something about it did. But I am trying to shake the dust from my feet and remember who I am now and who I am striving to be. 

And trying to always think about this image:

I guess one of the best ways to counteract all my complaining is to force myself to be thankful. So here are some things that I have thought of, and I am sure I will feel much better by the end of this post.

1. I'm thankful for the Pirates winning and making the Playoffs! (I know, it is trivial, but hey... let me love baseball)
2. I'm thankful for the cool weather today. What started out being rainy and dreary has turned into a lovely crisp fall day. 
3. I'm thankful for the wind hitting my cheeks and blowing through my hair. It makes me feel like I am being embraced by the One who commands the weather.
4. I'm thankful that I have a job, however tiring it may be, so that I can be paying off my loans.
5. I'm thankful for mercy and that I am a changed woman.
6. I'm thankful for Love.

Ok, maybe I don't feel a ton better, but it is a start!

The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. Deuteronomy 1:30-33

15

So, exciting story!

Last night, I was driving home from my church, where I was helping out with a youth ministry intro night, and I just decided to turn on K-Love even though I knew they were doing pledging. I guess I was hoping there would be a song on. To my joy, there was! But it wasn't just any song... It was "Oceans" by Hillsong. Now, this is already kind of weird because I have never heard them play this song before, and I always would wonder why they never played it (it's like the best song). This song basically is my life right now. If you have never heard it, you need to listen to it! Here is a little snippet of they lyrics:
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Pretty darn great I would say. And very much what I am going through right now and corresponds with the Gospel of Peter walking on the water toward Christ. If you read over previous posts, you will see me referencing this story a lot, and how much I believed that Christ was calling me to walk on the water toward Him. So already, I am feeling this song. I couldn't really believe that it was actually playing and that it started just as soon as I got in the car, so that also just made me kind of emotional (doesn't really take much sometimes haha). I pulled into the driveway as the song was still playing, so I just sat there and prayed with it and when it ended, just shut the car off and sat in silence. My heart began to get very overwhelmed with love, so I started telling Jesus out-loud how much I love Him. Tears started running down my face, and all of a sudden, my heart like welled up inside me and I felt deep within my soul "Will you be mine?" It came from so deep inside me that I couldn't have made it up. Of course I said "Yes, yes a thousand times yes" and I cried some more and it was glorious :)

Then after I got into the house and finally sat down to read my devotional, it read this:

Never take for granted My intimate nearness. Marvel at the wonder of My continual Presence with you. Even the most ardent human lover cannot be with you always. Nor can another person know the intimacies of your heart, mind, and spirit. I know everything about you—even to the number of hairs on your head. You don’t need to work at revealing yourself to Me. Many people spend a lifetime or a small fortune searching for someone who understands them. Yet I am freely available to all who call upon My Name, who open their hearts to receive Me as Savior. This simple act of faith is the beginning of a lifelong love story. I, the Lover of your soul, understand you perfectly and love you eternally. -"Jesus Calling"

Wow. No words. 

So there you have it! The proposal!

At first when I thought about it, I was like "well that was a strange place for it to happen", but the more I thought about it, the more perfect it was. Let me break it down for you:
1) The song: I already talked about this above, but that song is perfect. And I had never heard it on the radio... and Klove is the only thing I listen to and I'm in the car A LOT for work. So I think that was no coincidence.
2) The timing: If you read my post from yesterday, you will see that I talked about giving up control and letting the Lord be the man. It was also earlier in that day that I prayed the "Suscipe" prayer 3 times as an act of surrender. It is amazing what He gives back once we give Him everything.
3) The location: Now you may think, how could a car be a very romantic spot for this to happen? Well this is actually very significant for me because cars have for so long brought memories of sin and painful experiences. It was in a car that I was 'used' for the first time. So of course, He would want to bring redemption and healing and bring LIGHT into such a place of past darkness.

Glory. I was kind of hoping that a sunflower ring would appear from nowhere.... but beggars can't be choosers. And there's still time ;)

14

Last night I was able to have much needed Spiritual Direction with Fr. Gregory. Praise the Lord. The Holy Spirit was totally present. We got to talk about a lot of my fears and the reasons for my anxiety. It was very good just to talk out the lies, and every time I do that, there is always more freedom. I have the tendency to always think that there is something "wrong" with me, or that what I am going through is abnormal. Fr. Gregory really helped me to realize that sometimes, we are just hardwired certain ways, and situations tend to trigger these anxious responses. That doesn't mean I shouldn't go through with it, that just means that it is hitting a weak spot and I am needing to grow. It is an act of the will to keep going and keep my eyes fixed on Christ, and not to get distracted. I was very glad though that my anxiety didn't necessarily mean I wouldn't get accepted. I also was thinking that since I was so anxious, there still must be a huge issue there, and that means I can't be a nun. Wrong again! My problem is just that I over-think and become so self absorbed that I start becoming anxious about how I am anxious. It is a dangerous spiral if I can't get out of that. I'm glad I was able to recognize that early on and start climbing out of the whirlpool. I was working too hard on treating the symptoms instead of going straight to the source for healing.

So basically, I just talked about everything that I have been blogging here. So nothing really new that I realized, but it was definitely so helpful and healing to speak it out loud and receive affirmation that I am doing the right thing. It was also soooo good to know that this is pretty normal!

But here is my homework. I need to memorize and learn this prayer so I can pray it daily and whenever I feel anxious. It will help me to give up all control and to allow the Lord to be the man and lead me in our romance. Through this process, He is creating me more into the woman I am made to be, and helping my heart to become more and more feminine. I need to surrender to Him and allow Him to be the man in this relationship, and not take matters into my own hands.

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-St. Ignatius of  Loyola

13:

I've been really having a hard time with fear lately. More specifically, the fear that I won't get accepted into the TOR sisters. I don't know why, but I just have this looming fear over me that they're going to discern that I am not fit for the community for whatever reason. When I think about this, it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to just burst into tears. Memories of a horrible break-up and me thinking over and over, "I thought you loved me", come rushing back into my consciousness. I've realized how far I've fallen... how far I've fallen in love. And that scares me. I've had my heart torn into pieces before, and it has left me fearful.

It is interesting though that the very thing I was trying to avoid by turning to the Lord for fulfillment is the very thing that is happening to me right now. I was afraid of falling in love because I didn't want to be hurt again. I once told the Lord that I didn't want to be in any serious relationship again until it was the man I was supposed to marry. I have been on dates since then, and they have been very good, redeeming experiences with men, but He has remained true to that promise. And during that time, when I would be upset that I made that bargain with Him and desperately longing to be in a relationship with someone, it was then that I would ask Him to fill me and pursue me because I hated feeling that ache. I hated feeling that broken heart creeping back up again. And it was then that He started wooing me, very slowly and quietly so I barely even noticed.

And now I find myself in this position where I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. I have never loved anything or anyone the way I love Jesus. I feel a little bit irrational sometimes, but I just can't even convey how badly I desire Him. I know I don't need to be in religious life to have Him, but having Him while living a life in the world with commitments that would take away my time with Him would just be unbearable and would leave me feeling dissatisfied and incomplete. I hate that I am even writing this right now because once I put it out there, it makes it more real and it becomes even more possible for it to be broken. At least if I kept it to myself, I could pretend I didn't care as much as I do. But I can't not talk about it. I need to bring this fear out of the darkness.

I don't even know why this fear is taking such a toll on me. But it's most likely because I don't trust enough. I don't trust God with my heart. The truth of the matter is that everything is going to be according to His will, so I need to be ok if things don't go exactly how I want them to. And the other truth is that He is going to be with me no matter what route He brings me down, and nothing will change how much He loves me. If there is anyone in the world I should feel free to trust with my heart, it is Him. He is not out to break my heart, and He truly desires my good, so why am I so fearful? This is weighing me down and making me feel trapped and like I can't move forward. I'm afraid to tell people about my discernment because of how little control I have over this situation.  In fact, I really have no control. It is in the hands of God and the TOR sisters. Sure, I am the one answering the questions and filling out the papers, but ultimately it is not my decision at the end. And giving up all control has never been an easy thing for me to do.

So these are my struggles at present. I'm being stretched thin but my heart is so full of love. It is quite a strange experience. But I'm learning to trust, and I am being healed of those deepest wounds by the One who knows me and loves me better than anyone ever could. Really, He is the only one who can bring about healing from such brokenness. And I wouldn't have it any other way <3

My jukebox for the day: "Holding Nothing Back" by Ryan Stevenson: 

"Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between You and me. Jesus, it don't matter what I have to go through, I'm holding nothing back, nothing back from you" 

12. Real talk time

Well now that I have you pretty much up to speed, I figure I can start doing the real talk of discernment. The day-to-day, down to earth, in my head business.

Honestly, it has been kind of rough. Not in the sense that I don't want to do this or anything, but I am just going through a lot. Naturally. Ever since the retreat, I have been having huge amounts of anxiety, to the point where I had to come home early from work one day because I was so dizzy and weak. I have never experienced such intense anxiety before in my life. Sure, I am probably a more anxious person than others, and I definitely have had anxiety attacks, but never have I had this 24/7 constant 'buzz', for lack of better terms. It really makes me think back to what I read in my devotional on retreat, about how sometimes I feel 'off balance' and need to rely on His strength, not giving up. I think that has taken on a whole new meaning for me since then. I need to persevere through this time of trial and rely on Him to pull me through! I have been trying to discern the cause of the anxiety though. I still have joy and a type of spiritual peace about my decision, so I am pretty confident that it is not a 'sign' that I am on the wrong path, but I think it is either spiritual attack or just psychological overload from being in transition/ taking a huge step in life! I think I tend to downplay how significant this is, how HUGE it is. I mean, I decided to apply. As in this could actually happen for real. I'm not just thinking about it anymore, I am doing something about it. The devil's probably not too happy with that decision! He knows he is fighting a losing battle, and could quite possibly just be trying to scare me out of it. Sorry man, not going to work. My heart is sold.

At any rate, I have been fighting through it. I had my first interview a couple days ago (!!!) and it went really well! This first one was basically questions about my past, my family, relationships, you name it, it was probably on there. It was actually not as scary or long as I had anticipated it would be. It was actually very refreshing and freeing to talk about everything in my past in a 'formal' setting, and just be able to state the facts of my life without making a big fuss about it. Getting everything out in the open also helps to keep things out of darkness and expose any lies that the devil is trying to hide in my past. I also don't really mind talking about my past, because I know that is not who I am anymore. I am a new creation in Christ, and nothing is going to change that.

I have my second interview scheduled for the 11th. This one I think is more questions about how my spirituality fits with that of the community's. I am currently reading up on the 'Constitutions' to better prepare and pray through them.

I am also trying to read "Unbound" by Neal Lozano, because it deals a lot with renouncing your personal 'demons': fears, insecurities, etc. I am trying to work through all of this and see if it helps my anxiety. Either way, it can only better prepare me and help me to really detach and move on from my past and get rid of anything that could be holding me back from Jesus.

It has been really hard to stay focused through this time of trial. Far too often, I get too wrapped up in my anxiety and trying to make it go away instead of focusing on the reason for all of this. Why am I doing this in the first place? Because I love Jesus. A lot. That is what it boils down to, and that is Who I need to keep my eyes fixed upon, and Who I need to be running to in all of this. Praying that I can remain focused on the path toward Him and not get distracted by the storms of life!

11: Discernment Retreat #2

September 2013

As all of this change of heart/discovery was happening, I decided to yet again pray the same novena I prayed last July to St. Anne for my future husband (basically that I would find him. Immediately.) It is interesting to note that each time after I prayed the novena: 1) I did not find my future spouse, and 2) I for some reason felt a really big tug toward discerning religious life. I think this was no coincidence. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Naturally, I started thinking about the TOR sisters again. I hadn't really thought about it too much since April, when I went and stayed for a week, and so I figured I would email Sr. Della Marie just to see how everyone there was doing. And of course, being the vocation director, she wrote back asking me about my discernment and if I wanted to meet with her sometime to talk. I loved the idea, and we picked a Saturday during a discernment retreat that I could come down just for the evening. I then received another email from Sister telling me that there were some cancellations if I wanted to come for the whole retreat. So next thing you know, I am going on another discernment retreat: the same one that I went on in September a year ago. This time though, I was at a completely different place in my discernment, so my experience was much different as well. I was wondering if it was going to be the exact same retreat, but I was told later that they, at the last minute, decided to change the talks. They all ended up being perfectly what I need to hear. Slowly over the course of the weekend, my conviction built, and the idea of applying became more and more a reality. I always feel so at home there, and my heart was filled with such joy.

The priest who was saying mass on Saturday was also awesome. He started crying during the consecration, which was just so powerful and a true testament to what is actually going on in the mass. It was beautiful. He was staying the afternoon as well to be present to us and hear Confessions if we needed to go. I was thinking about going, but didn't really think I needed to, but just as I am thinking this, Father goes: "A lot of times, women will experience a lot of fears when discerning religious life. If you have a lot of fears, these need to be confessed." ..... well crap. I definitely had to go now! And of course, there was no one in line to go, so I was able to hop right in. It was absolutely a Holy Spirit moment. I was able to speak out a lot of fears and lies, and Father was very helpful in working through these. I started having an anxiety attack because of how much I was bringing to the surface. It was very healing, but I think there is still much to be worked through. (I am still feeling a lot of this anxiety a few weeks later).

Saturday afternoon, I started developing a headache and became dizzy. As the evening progressed, it became more severe and I also became very nauseous and experienced numbness in my hands. I regretfully had to lay down in my room, while the sisters (yet again) cared for me and made sure I was properly medicated. I was joking with the sisters and assuring them that I am not always sick (even though I was sick the first time I came there as well haha). Again though, the Lord used this in a beautiful way: one of the sisters came up to see how I was doing, and we ended up talking for a while which turned out to be an extremely blessed and helpful conversation! I was, however, still feeling discouraged and trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I kid you not, this was my devotional for the next morning:

 Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence. (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young) (Emphasis is mine) 

Ok seriously, what the heck. This was wayyy to perfect for what was going on with me. I literally laughed to myself when I read it. This brought me so much comfort, because it reminded me that Jesus was with me and had control over the situation. It also gave me greater courage to keep fighting through and not giving up. I was earlier tempted to think that maybe it was not the Lord's will for me to be on that retreat (maybe not even to be discerning), but this passage really showed me that I couldn't give up and think that just because I was feeling 'off balance'. It also gave me comfort to know that even if I did choose to give up, that He would not reject me. I was free to make a choice. And I chose Him <3. 

I went to the Reverend Mother and told her that I wanted to apply (she was hoping I was going to say that!), and I talked to Sr. Della Marie about the application process and set up times for my interviews. I needed to be like Peter and step out of the boat, even in the midst of the uncertainty. He was calling to me.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14)